When I grow up....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a common question asked of little kids.  Answers come in all sorts of various ways.  "A firefighter."  "A astronaut."  "A fisherman."  "A basketball player."  "A dog sitter."  Etc., Etc.  I was asked this very same question many times throughout my childhood, and quite often throughout those years the answer changed.  "A teacher."  "The first woman in the NBA." "The president." "A marine biologist." "A pediatrician." "A sports commentator." And finally back to, "a teacher" again.  Little did I know that the one answer I should have come up with every single time would be "a mother."  But not just any mother....I would need to be specific.  I needed to answer, "a mother to a living baby on Earth."

You really don't hear many young girls or boys express their desire to be a parent at a young age.  Some of the real little ones may say that, but not as often in today's society.  There is a push to be something "more."  I really never thought about how we, as a society, are quick to believe that everyone gets that chance to be a mother to a child on Earth.  I can hear teachers that I have worked with quickly dismiss the little girl who says she wants to be a mommy and say, "Well, yes, of course, but what else do you want to be?"  Why, I wonder, has the view of a mother changed?  Why can't that little girl just be a mother?  Why does she have to be something more?

I find myself having a really difficult time understanding this about our society right now, which is a very interesting viewpoint for me to take.  If you haven't noticed by now through my blogging or even through Facebook, I tend to a be a very strong-willed, independent woman.  I have pretty "left-sided" views on life.  I was one who always wanted something more.  I wanted to spread my wings, fight for my rights, and pretty much follow the sentiment, "I am woman. Here my roar."  And there is a part of me that really wants to do that still, but there is a greater need/desire taking over.  It's a need that almost feels unnatural because it's unlike anything I have ever felt before.  But it almost makes it the most natural need I have ever known.  I have a true passion to be a mother to a living child.  I know it's the one thing in the world I want most of all.  I know it's the one thing I will ever want most of all.

Of course I still very much ache for the child I will never hold here on Earth, my sweet Kennedy Kate, but this is a different feeling.  When I look at pregnant women or women with young children, I miss my daughter, but what I miss most is that opportunity to raise her here.  I want that chance to be up all night with my baby or watch him/her take his/her first steps or crawl.  I want to worry about my baby but know that I have some control over those worries as I care for that child.  I want to watch my child develop and grow into whomever or whatever he/she wants to be.  I want to support that child.  Love that child.  I want that here.  Those aren't things you can do for a baby in Heaven.  It's just not possible at this point.

This need comes at a very difficult time for me as Kennedy's father and I have just filed for divorce.  So, I'm not seeing any way of meeting this need anytime in the near future, which may make it hurt even more.  In the past two years, I have seen myself go from one of the first in my family, group of friends, co-workers be pregnant to the one on the sidelines watching everyone else getting their needs and wishes met.  While I'm still waiting....hoping...praying....even believing that it has to come true at some point.  It feels like everyone else gets a baby at the end of their pregnancy (although, I know this is very much not true), why shouldn't I?  Why didn't I answer that question 20+ years ago, "I want to be a mother to a living child on Earth"?  Would it have made a difference today?  Probably not....but if someone would ask that of me today, I would definitely answer differently.  There isn't anything I want more when I grow up.