I am wearing some ugly shoes...

UGLY SHOES

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes!
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not their shoes.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~author unknown~

~Sending hugs to my other baby loss moms and dads out there who wear "ugly shoes." And hoping that what it says near the end is true...that we are all stronger because of what we have gone through. I had to post this poem today because I needed some extra strength to keep going and moving... Miss you, Kennedy Kate. Love you always.

Kennedy's Vermont Angels pictures

Thank you to Emma and Chase's mommy, Jill, for the beautiful pictures for Kennedy.
They are just perfect...

Dear beautiful Kennedy,

Mommy has been very busy as of late getting ready for the school year, so she has been in full distraction mode. You know how I get. Been thinking about you lots as the Badger football year gets started...hope you have some red and white gear up there in Heaven. Go Bucky! Your special date is coming up in a couple months, and already, I feel the overwhelming desire to make it be as perfect as you are. I will do my best to always remember and honor you, my sweet chickadee. I'm sending hugs and kisses up to you.

Love you forever KK,
Mommy

I have been changed...for good.

Just recently, I had the opportunity to see the Broadway Across America production of Wicked in Milwaukee with some of my really close friends. Every second of the production was amazing and completely mesmerizing. I totally recommend seeing it if you ever get the chance. As a longtime fan of The Wizard of Oz, I knew the story behind Wicked and had even attempted reading the book. However, I tend to be a reader that needs a couple of tries before actually diving in...(case in point: Harry Potter). So, I went into the performance knowing just a little bit about the story and a few of the songs. By the end of the show, I was in tears...not only from the overwhelming joy I had felt from seeing something so beautiful put together but also from the meaning behind the story of the Wicked Witch of the West. One of the songs sang near the end of the production was "For Good" (lyrics listed below).

To put into words what this song meant to me when listening to it at Wicked with my close friends by my side is enough to bring me to tears now....to say I felt touched and comforted does not do it justice. I was so overwhelmed with love towards these people and all they had done for me in the past year. I am beyond grateful that they came into my life at the "right time" and have seen me and been with me at my absolute worst. I truly do not know where I would be without them... and I feel extremely blessed that they are a part of my life.

Since seeing Wicked, this song has taken on new meaning in my life during certain events and for certain people....

I heard it on my way to the clinic a couple of weeks ago where I had been given the news that Kennedy had died. The first few lines of the song touched me when I thought about how I am and was so blessed to have had her in my life if even it was for a short time. She is a part of my life for a reason...and I have grown because of her. After losing Kennedy, I am a "different" person, and maybe for the better, but definitely I am changed for good.

Today, I heard it on my way to my Godsister's birthday party. And it brought a whole new meaning to me. This time the meaning included all of you beautiful baby loss mothers. Although, I would never want anyone to be a part of this "club," I know I have learned so much from all of you.
-I have learned that we all have similar emotions despite the differences in our situations.
-I have learned that it's okay to grieve for as long as you need.
-I have learned that writing on a blog and having people comment makes me feel supported and understood.
-I have learned how important it is to share comments on others' blogs in order to make them feel the same way I do.
-I have learned that we all have a "new normal" and it's okay.
I have learned that it is okay to think about my baby every single day and be able to share my thoughts with all of you who are willing to read and reply.
-I have learned that I love having friends all over the world....and feeling a part of each others' lives as we ride on this wild roller coaster called life.
-And I have learned that I have been changed....for good...by all of you.

"So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend"

Thank you, baby loss mothers. Thank you for being my friends and touching my heart.


"For Good"

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you




Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good





It well may be

That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend





Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you
I have been changed for good





And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things
I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore


Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you
Because I knew you





Because I knew you

I have been changed for good.

Flowers for my baby

In June, I had decided that I wanted to paint pots and plant seeds in honor of my beautiful daughter, Kennedy. The pictures below show some of the process... Two pots with sunflower seeds made it and are sprouting flowers at this point. The others weren't so lucky, so we we filled them with pretty plants instead. I love how the pots turned out and hope to continue to use them over the years as I remember my little girl. I feel such joy and peace when I find ways to honor my little one. It makes me feel useful as her mother in making sure she is never forgotten.



Working hard...(by the way, I only painted...I had a friend draw on the pots beforehand)


"Little Chickadee"


"Earth Mama loves Angel Baby"


"on butterfly wings"


"My Forever Flower in Love's Garden"

Kennedy's Waterfall

Thank you Lisa and Jonathan.

An unwanted diagnosis and treatment

So, it's been a pretty crazy week for me...which has kept me from blogging and catching up with other BLM's blogs. But, I've had kind of a tough week...even with good moments thrown in there. This week, my doctor/PA diagnosed me with endometriosis. Although, they aren't entirely sure that this is what I'm dealing with...this is what they are going to treat me for. After 8 months of pretty chronic pain, more during "ovulation time," my PA thinks that all of my pain around my uterus is due to endometriosis. I had an ultrasound done on Friday, which came out normal. This cleared me for any risk of tumors, cysts, etc.

So, the best answer is to diagnose me and treat me with the use of birth control pills....ugh!! I hate that they really aren't sure...but think that it's okay just to throw drugs my way to "see" if it gets better. There's no guarantee... and in the meantime, let's mess up your body even more by putting you on drugs that could potentially cause your blood to clot, inhibit your ability to have a baby, etc. No, I am not currently trying to have a baby....so, I can understand their reasoning in a medical sense, yet I really can't stand birth control pills. It was very hard on my body to get off of them...and I basically had told myself that I would never use them again. (On a side note, I tend to be a more holistic kind of person...so, I've never been the biggest fan of drugs, period... I do know there are positives of BC pills...just that they aren't really for me. I don't mean to offend anyone).

So, now I have to do my research to figure out what other options there are out there. If anyone has ideas or has been through this, please comment. I feel very lost as to what I can do... The more I research, the more I feel that the medical field really doesn't have a good hold on how to handle endometriosis at this point. I need to find answers that fit my lifestyle and my values...it's important to me and to what I believe may be my chances to ever carry another baby again.

Gary Valenciano - the warrior is a child

I saw this video on Jennifer's blog and had to add it. It touched me so much... This song definitely makes me realize the kind of "armor" we put on everyday just to be okay. But how there are times that just hit and knock us to the ground. Wishing it wasn't like this...every single day.

10 year reunion (instead of the second half of my list)

This weekend, I will be celebrating 10 years since graduating high school. It's been 10 years since I crossed that stage in my high school gym, accepted my diploma and moved my tassel to the right (or left?). In May of 2000, I stood with about 120 fellow classmates and sang the alma mater, listened to classmates and the superintendent give final speeches and threw my hat in the air (not entirely sure I did this). I had so much hope then...hope about going onto college and becoming a sports commentator...Strike 1 (not the college part...the sports commentator). Hope that I would be in the process of fulfilling all my life's goals and dreams before my ten-year reunion (Strike 2). And hope that I would be happy....(Strike 3...you're out).

Based on that intro, I'm sure you can guess that I'm extremely scared to attend my reunion. It's funny, though, because two to three weeks ago, I couldn't wait. But then, I started asking myself questions.

Question: What do you do at a reunion?
Answer: You catch up with people you haven't seen for a long time and ask them what they have been doing.

Question: What are you going to say you have been doing?
Answer: Nothing different than I did at 5-year reunion.

Question: Then why would you go if nothing has changed?
Answer: I have no clue.

Question: Don't you want to see some of your close friends?
Answer: Yes, of course. But maybe not in that kind of situation.

Question: Is there any reason to go?
Answer: Because I have no reason not to...right?!

I'm scared because I don't want to deal with seeing people who have happy, successful lives. I'm scared because I don't want to answer the "do you have any kids?" question. I'm scared because I know how many of my classmates are going to show up pregnant or with pictures of their beautiful children. And I'm scared because I wanted so much to have more at this point in my life than I do now.

Maybe it's just not the right time....maybe I should just wait for 15-year....maybe it will all be different then? But can the senior class president really miss her 10-year reunion especially after she helped plan some of it? It's a difficult question that I need to find answers to in the next couple of days. I hate to miss it, but by missing it, am I taking care of myself? And isn't that the key when grieving? Taking care of myself.

Looking for answers and advice...

20 things that have made life bearable...Here's the first 10.

As a younger and much more naive woman/girl, I had made a list on my Facebook profile in the "About Me" section that listed "40 things that make me happy". Since losing my baby in October, that list has been taken down and replaced with a phrase in honor of my little girl. Many of those things on that list are trivial and useless to me now. They were simple things in a simpler time in my life. They held some value then...but probably would not be found on my new list of "20 things that have made life bearable." This list will consist of things that have helped me bear with my current state and current "normal." You may see some trivial things on this list...but they are things that have helped me find happiness. I hope that whomever reads this list may find some comfort in sharing some things that make his/her life bearable as we ride this awful journey together. Or just maybe he/she might find something that helps too. Enjoy...
(Just a quick note, this list is in a completely random order)

1. Net Flix Instant Queue: What a marvelous invention! Sorry Blockbuster...but the whole concept of going to a movie store to rent a movie totally sounds like a drag when you're having a hard day. I have truly enjoyed finding Charles in Charge, Food Inc., etc. that have found ways to make me laugh, cry, be distracted or think about better and simpler times.

2. Great Friends: More specifically friends that are part of elite crowds. For some odd reason, I tend to group my friends into "code" names. So, I really need to send a shout out to my friends in Sassy Chi Omega and the Fearsome Foursome. But please don't forget: KE, BB, EV, AK and KO. These friends have never asked questions or made suggestions of a "timeline" or how I should be handling my grief. Just supportive beyond belief.

3. Trip to Texas in December: Similar to #2-only this list includes my Uncle J, Aunt K, MK, MG, C, and KL. A truly unforgettable trip with people who love me whole-heartedly. Thank you for remembering me and my little girl.

4. Duke winning the national championship: As a dedicated college basketball fan, I generally love the month of March. Therefore, I always want "my teams" to win it all. I still believe that my angel in heaven had something to do with this. Many visits occurred where prayers were sent up to her somewhat jokingly- yet the team and my angel came through with flying colors.

5. Glee: Similar to Net Flix, only this television show makes me laugh, cry, sing and reminisce within each episode. I live for each episode to hear Sue's hilarious comments about Will's hair and to see what obstacle the Glee kids will come up against next. Oh, and did I mention that the songs they sing are fabulous?!! And I never thought Fox could top American Idol....

6. Counseling and Support Groups: I will be an advocate for them both for the rest of my life. I truly believe that everyone must do what's best for them; however, to be given an hour to two hours three to four times a month to talk about my KK and what I am going through without people judging or criticizing has really made me feel supported and strong. I feel less alone...and more aware of how many people are out there who I can talk and relate to. I feel that sharing stories and thoughts about my daughter is totally healthy. Unfortunately, we are part of a very "elite" club-it sucks-but we aren't alone, even on our hardest days. Also, I wanted to put my two cents in about anti-depressants. Get them if you need them-and use them. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better and if science helps-so be it.

7. The authors Jen Lancaster and Karen Salmonsohn: Gotta love their sarcasm and outlook on life. They will both give you the "kick in the pants" you may need to get moving and be happy. (Quick note: There are a lot of other authors I have read regarding the loss of a baby...they have been wonderful reads too).

8. Online Shopping: Although I continue to have terrible luck getting the right size/fit/style...I continue to look and explore what's out there. Besides, it's just so easy!! Again, why would I leave the luxury of my comfortable room in order to step out on days that are difficult?! By the way, Etsy is my new favorite site!

9. Madison: The same place that gave me such grief during pregnancy and where I found out I had lost my baby is now a place of comfort and release. It's the place where I visit and talk to my little girl. It's the place where I laugh and smile the most. I'm thankful for Farmer's Markets, Badger Games, Concerts on the Square, the Parthenon, State Street, etc. It's the place where happy moments have occurred with people I love. My heart is always fuller and content when I am there.

10. 3-5 year olds: This item was on my original list...but for way different reasons this time. This past school year was the hardest one I have ever encountered in five years of teaching; however, "my kids" were a reason to keep going at my lowest points. I looked forward to days when I was out at preschool with them. They were an outlet in a world that didn't make sense to me. My job offered me a chance to fulfill the hopes and dreams of the families of the students I was working with. I couldn't do it for my own child, yet I could make a difference in the life of another child. These children made me smile and feel needed. I never felt lonely when I was working with them....I felt important....not the same importance that I played for my daughter, but it helped fill that gap a bit.


End of the 1st half of the list...didn't realize it was going to get so wordy. Sorry for that. Stay tuned for the 2nd half...

What is Normal?

I lifted this from Jane and Dana. I appreciated and related to it so much that I had to add it to my blog. Thank you, Jane and Dana.

What is "Normal"?
Author Unknown

* Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

* Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

* Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

* Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

* Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

* Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

* Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he/she is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he/she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

* Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

* Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

* Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his/her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

* Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he/she would love it, but how he/she is not here to enjoy it.

* Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

* Normal is making sure that others remember him/her. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

* Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

* Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

* Normal is trying not to cry all day

* Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

* Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

* Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

* Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

* Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

* Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

* Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

* Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

* Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

* Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

* Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

* Normal is asking God why He took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

* Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

*And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".


Dearest Kennedy,

Mommy works so hard to be "normal" for everyone around her in order for them to be comfortable. I hope you always know that even if I don't mention you that you are never forgotten. Love you, baby girl.

Attention Baby Loss Mommas!

Please check out Avery's mommy's idea at the link above. Nicole wants us all to connect and feel supported. Great plan...