Rage and Resentment

A couple of days ago, I attended my once a month grief support group. It was a much larger group than I had ever been a part of...and it was nice to feel supported and connected to so many people, despite the circumstances. Listening to the stories of other babyloss mommies and even a daddy helped me to realize (again) how many there out there that are going through many of the same emotions I do on a daily basis. Each person shares a different story, but each person also shares a similarity that is unfortunate: the grieving of a baby that was lost never ends. I have come to the conclusion that there really is no time limit on grief and we all have to deal with it the way we feel is right for us. There is no right answer, despite what a family member, friend, co-worker, etc., may tell you. We are all different people....and we must handle ourselves with care and know that we are doing what's right for us.

Although, I believe in what I preach...I know that I have a hard time doing it sometimes. I fall into the awful trap of wanting to do right in the eyes of society (which may or may not include family, friends, etc.). People want me to be better....they want me to move on, so there is a real urgency in me to follow their requests. And, of course, I want to be better, but my "better" is different than theirs. My "better" is going a full day or week without feeling extreme sadness which may lead to me not feeling well at all. My "better" is being able to go to Target and walk by the baby aisles at a normal pace. My "better" is not feeling the twinge of guilt as one of my best friends is "oohed and ahhhed" upon as people see how big and beautiful she is getting carrying her little boy. My "better" is being able to attend my ten-year class reunion not wanting to run for the hills when everyone starts showing pictures of their babies. These are all things that I want to work on....but "better" for others is me being the old me. "Better" for others is almost to the point of forgetting that Kennedy was ever even a part of my life. This is where the resentment starts to creep in...

At support group, I talked a lot about the people in life who I feel haven't supported me the way I feel I should have been supported. These are people who play or who have played pretty major roles in my life. These are also people I once called family or even best friends. I do not understand how a family who celebrates just about every holiday/birthday/job/vacation, etc. can just "forget" how to remember a family member that lost her baby. Granted, I did ask for space....but what does it take to send an email/text/or voice mail indicating that they are at least thinking about me? What does it take to send a card that let's me know they care? This is the family portion of my resentment. So many people just didn't understand...so many people that I love and cherish rarely even acknowledge that I was ever even pregnant at all. It hurts more than I ever thought it could...

As to some of my friends....the resentment carries over to them too. Now, trust me...I do have some really awesome family and friends, but this is not that post, so I will make sure to mention them some other time. This is the post where I'm going to throw people under the bus. But my friends that have made little or no effort at all make me want to completely eliminate them from my life. Yes, I realize that everyone handles death differently, but this was my baby. My chance at a future...my dream....my desire. If you can't understand what I'm going through, then please at least do something similar to what I listed above....send an email/a voice mail/card, etc. Please just let me know that despite how long my grief is taking that you will still be around for me when I'm ready. And then when I am ready...please let me me talk about what has happened or happening in my life based on the loss of my baby. I know it may be uncomfortable for you, but this is my story, and you already know I like to talk, so you should expect that I would want to talk about the one thing I loved more than anything else in the world. Yes, including college basketball!

This is where my resentment lies 9 months later...I don't know what to do with it and I don't really know how to handle it. Again, it's taking one day at a time hoping that my anger goes away. There is a part of me that knows I will have to just let some of the anger go, but I also know that I may be letting go of friends/family too. Maybe not...but it's really not a pleasant thought either way.

Prayer for a Friend

This past week I found out that a friend of mine from support group delivered her baby girl at 25 weeks. The baby was a 1 lb and 3 oz. Baby and family have been spending a lot of time in the hospital. Baby girl needs to gain twice her weight in order to have heart surgery that will save her life. Otherwise, it is evident that medications and machines are keeping her heart going.

I constantly have my friend and her baby on my mind. It irks me to think that my friend who has already lost a baby has to go through this right now. How is this fair? Is this the plan that God had in mind for my friend? I just don't get it. I keep hearing the comment that "everything happens for a reason" or "God only gives us as much as we can handle." Well, why give us anything at all? Why is He making it so difficult for some of us? And others can have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies with no trouble? It doesn't seem right.... If anyone has answers to these questions, please comment. I'm looking for as many answers that can give me more hope than I currently have.

Please pray for my friend. I will continue to post updates as they are available.

Kennedy's Angel Baby picture

Thank you, Laura. I love Kennedy's picture.

9 months today...

Today, I'm posting because I've decided that I hate dates. Dates indicate time moving, days passing by, and a truth that it has been this many days , weeks or months that I have been without my baby. Today, I hit 9 months since I found out that Kennedy was gone. 9 months is that "magical" number that a mother is supposed to get to when pregnant. I hate 9 months.... it makes me realize that I never got to that "magical" number and am not sure if I ever will. Yes, I read many blogs and hear from many people that it could and will happen again for me, but there is no assurance. There is no guarantee. I am thrilled for the people that are carrying their "rainbow" babies, and I pray that they will all see 9 months and longer. But for me, 9 months just is a reminder that I will only hold my baby girl in Heaven someday. It does not bring me much peace today...but maybe someday it will.

Kennedy's Butterfly Wings

Thank you, Bree.

I love the Windy City...

These are some recent pics taken by my wonderful cousins and aunt from our trip to Chicago. We were so blessed to have beautiful weather, good company and lots of love. Thank you, Chicago.


Navy Pier

And the John Hancock Center...


The girls shopping in the city...At the hotel......and Millennium Park


Frank's and Frances' Deli in Lincoln Park....

Movie comparison

If someone asked me to list five of my all-time favorite movies, here is what I would say: Oklahoma, Annie, Wizard of Oz, Moulin Rouge and Hoosiers. As you have probably figured out, one of those movies doesn't really belong with the others, but you can thank my dad for that. Anyways, I love musicals...and I really think that I had always wanted my life to be like a musical. Fun, happy, full of life, energy, and music. Sure, I figured that there might be some flying monkeys, a crazy cow-hand or two, maybe a Miss Hannigan or Duke, but overall, I would win the game in the end because my life would be great. In all of those movies, there is a happy ending...well, kind of in Moulin Rouge. I thought my life was that or would be that by now. I had this image of all I wanted out of life and what I should have by the time I was my age. And yet, everything seems to be askew...mixed up...out of control. This is the part in the movie where I just wanna say, "Wake up, Dorothy! It was all just a dream... There is no way that your life is this out of control. " But this is not a dream, and this is the life that I must continue to live out to see what happens in the end... I must wait to see if I do make the game winning shot, get adopted by a millionaire or find true love. I must wait to see what my happy ending is.

Chicago, here I come...

This morning, my mom and I are taking off for Chicago to meet up with my aunt and cousins from Texas. I will have to share a little bit more about that family sometime in a different post....but I am very excited for the opportunity to "get away" for a few days. It's an easier, but more expensive, way to clear my head and fill it with hopeful thoughts. I look forward to doing some of my favorite things while there: shopping, eating and partaking in silly moments. Look out dueling pianos! :)

Playlist

The playlist has songs that I listen to and think about when I remember Kennedy... I used quite a few resources to find songs that had some meaning to young children or babies. Some of the songs also symbolize my need to be okay and stay strong. This is definitely a journey that you don't choose to be on...or a journey that you don't want to walk alone. I hope that mothers can find comfort in knowing that they will never be alone.

Finding a Purpose...

It's difficult at times to realize that 8 and a half months have passed since I lost my baby girl...which leads me to believe that I am still in a fog of some sort most of the time. For most moms, by 8 and a half months, they may be be holding a baby in their arms. They would have planned for what the baby needed and for what they wanted for their baby. They would have felt their baby move and grow. They might have seen pictures of their baby or heard a healthy heartbeat. After eight and a half months, a mother might have have delivered her baby and be loving it more than anything else in the world. Because that is what a woman's purpose is when she finds out she is pregnant. It is typically to care for that baby and put his/her life before your own. It becomes your whole world...and to many others that are in your life.

However, when you lose a baby, it is easy for the baby or idea of him/her to be forgotten. It is easy for people to move on as if the five months that he/she was around didn't even exist. Time moves on, but to a mother of a stillborn baby, time seems to stop or slow down dramatically. My life seems to have little value or purpose anymore. I try to grasp for something that was as meaningful as what I did last June to October, but nothing compares. I truly don't know if anything will ever compare to the purpose of carrying a life inside of you...knowing that baby's existence completely depends on what you do. I only hope that one day I can find purpose or value in what I can provide to others in this world that feels similar to what I felt for five months.

Kennedy's Hope Collage

Thank you, Franchesca!