Good Days

When I look at my last post, I realize that I will always have pent up feelings regarding what happened to me and my little girl, but what I have also realized in the last couple days is that I am going to have "good" days again. They may be far and between, but there will be better days.

Yesterday, I had an interview with a new school district as an Early Childhood Special Education teacher. This school district is very dear to my heart as it is the place I student taught at my last semester before I graduated. I feel that I have emulated my career and current position after what I learned while there and since being there. That school district taught me what I know now and what it would take to get there. And although, I have taken my current school district a long ways, we are still not where this "new" district is and may never be.

Overall, the interview went as good as it could go. I felt confident in my answers and walked away knowing I gave it all I could. If the job is meant to be, I may be offered it. If not, there may be other "plans" for me in the future. I also learned another important tidbit of information about myself from the interview and job hiring process....it's good to feel wanted and respected enough just to get an interview. It also is good to know that there are other possibilities out there if you want them. However, I think the biggest lesson I learned is that I can find happiness and good things wherever I am. There are things that I can't stand about where I am. These are things that I may never be happy about or with, but there are things about this "new" district that I don't really like either. So...what becomes most important? I am all about change, but can a huge change be all that good? Is what I'm looking for in a new position really all that different and better than what I have?

These are all questions I will ask myself if a job is offered to me. I will cross my fingers that I choose carefully and in the best interest of myself. That's what I have been doing lately.... Choosing what's best for me. This is a new concept for me, so it's taken some time to get used to.

Other than the interview, I had a really good day on Sunday with my two "Sassy" sisters. I finally found the courage to see two of my closest friends. These two friends have been through a lot with me but never did I know how much they actually meant to me until October. Both of them have been nothing short of encouraging and supportive in helping me deal with the loss of KK. However, I hadn't been ready to see them until Sunday...I hadn't even talked to them other than through Facebook or email since early October. It had been a long time, but everything picked up exactly as it always does. I felt extremely loved seeing them both on Sunday and could sense how much they wanted to do anything they could to help me through the process. Both of them asked questions but never made me feel uncomfortable. Leaving both of them that day made me feel blessed to have friends like them and excited to see them again soon.

So, that's a couple of good days for you. My grief counselor was pleasantly surprised to see me doing so well, but she knows how hard I've worked to feel this way. She also told me that I have done everything right in knowing what's best for me. I think what's been so great about the last couple of days is recognizing that I can be "good" and still do what's best for me without worrying so much about everyone else. People who truly love and care about me will understand and support me through anything.

First time blogger

Today is the first day of my blog... I have debated creating one for awhile now after spending the past four months reading blogs of other mothers, but I was never sure if it was for me. However, I have always enjoyed writing and now, more than ever, I have thoughts that I want to share. I am not, by any means, the most open person, and I think most of my life I have spent time listening to others rather than sharing what I feel. Believe me, I let people know what I think...when it comes to politics, beliefs, education, etc., but to truly know me is probably very much a mystery to all. And although, I still am unsure of how much I am willing to share on this blog, it has given me an opportunity to share and give insight to a recent, tragic event that occurred in my life about seven months ago now. Because seven months ago, I became a different person. Seven months ago, part of me flew away with my little butterfly, Kennedy. Seven months ago, I knew that my life would never be the same. Seven months ago, my baby's heart stopped beating. Seven months ago, my baby died.

10/2009: My little angel: Kennedy Kate's heart was not found beating on 10/22/2009. On 10/29/2009, Kennedy's body was taken from mine.

Dear sweet baby girl,
Your momma misses you so much everyday. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here with me. If you had been born on your due date, you would be 2 and a half months old. I cannot believe you were taken from me, and sometimes I still feel like I'm in a nightmare. I just want to wake up and go back to October. I want to wake up and hear you crying. I want to wake up and see your smiling face. You were my world, Kennedy. I would do anything for you. I am your momma, and I am supposed to protect and take care of you better than anyone. I didn't do that, and because of that, I feel like a failure. No doctor or counselor can tell me that it just wasn't meant to be. They can't tell me that you were too sick. It doesn't matter. I want to be with you. I'm supposed to be with you. That's the way it's supposed to work. I'm supposed to go first...not you. I'm angry, confused and hopeless a lot of the time now, Kennedy. I don't know how to make things better. I can only hope that things will turn around. That the nightmare will stop and that faith and love will pull me through.
I love you, my angel baby. Please be happy.
Love,
Your mommy