Feeling the Joy....Feeling the Pain on Christmas Day

Christmas Eve 2011...my 3rd Christmas without you.  For some reason, the thought of the 3rd Christmas finally hit me for the first time yesterday.  There I was decorating your gravestone for Christmas talking to you, and then it just hit.  Three Christmases...how is that even possible?  Where did the time go?  How could that much time have passed without me realizing it.  It seems like forever, Kennedy.  But yet, as I sat there at your gravestone yesterday, I realized why I had forgotten or why time has slipped my mind the last two Christmases.  The first Christmas without you I was in shock, numbness.  I didn't know what day it was much less Christmas.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to do much of anything.  The second Christmas was spent with your Great-Grams at the hospital.  I was consumed by fear of what was going on with her.  So, last year I was distracted.  So, this year....well, this year I felt some joy.  I decorated.  I celebrated.  I honored.  I remembered.  And it hit.  I feel it finally.  The gap.  The loss.  Christmas without you.  It is more clear to me than ever what I am missing out on.  What you should be doing this Christmas.  What I should be doing. 

The pain is intense at times, especially when I am alone.  I think of you, and I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to just be.  I hate that the feeling of loss is still so strong even this far removed.  How can one just push it all away?  When does it finally go away?  Does it ever?  Will the pain that exists each time I see a little girl the same age as you always bring tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart?  Will it, sweet girl?  And if yes...why?  Why is such a terrible question.  I know why....I know that I can answer many of these questions.  But they still come up...and sometimes I don't like my answers.  Sometimes I just want different ones.  

But despite the pain, I have felt joy, sweet girl.  I know that this is the first Christmas since losing you that I have finally felt that.  And most of that is in celebration of your life.  This year, I adopted two little two-year old girls off of the Angel Tree.  I did this last year too, but this year felt different.  I was ready to shop for them.  I was even excited.  I looked carefully and cautiously for the perfect gifts for these little girls in need.  And as I chose those outfits and toys, you were always in the back of my mind.  (On a side note, I would have chosen the sparkly jeans for you...but wasn't sure about them for someone I didn't know :))  Your life brought some light to those little girls lives this Christmas.  I want to believe that I would have done that regardless of whether you were here or not, but I cannot truly say that.  So, you were definitely the difference.  I also decorated my apartment this Christmas, and of course, little pieces of you are integrated into so many of the decorations.  Little angels, winter butterflies and pink girly decorations seem to pop up more so than ever.  :)  I was excited to participate in giveaways, create handmade ornaments and gifts.  And all of those were ways to connect with people I have met throughout the years because of you.  Kennedy, do you see what I mean?  You bring me such joy during an often difficult time.  

The pain does hurt...but the the feeling of joy is powerful.  Joy is a feeling that I have been waiting for.  It is a feeling of delight.  And delight is definitely not something that I have used very often in my vocabulary in the last three years.  But I do, Kennedy Kate.  I feel joy.  You gave that to me.  You did while I was pregnant with you.  You would have if you were here today.  And you do even while you are away in Heaven.  Your life changed me.  You have showed me joy.  Thank you, baby girl.  Merry Christmas to you in Heaven.  May you also feel joy and love there too.  Love you always.  

I took my tree down to the shore
The garland, and the silver star
To find my peace, and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart

On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang thy bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
For all my tears, for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day

The snow comes down on empty sand
There's tinsel moonlight on the waves
My soul was lost, but here I am
So this must be amazing grace

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
Beyond my tears for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day
There's still my joy for Christmas day

~There's Still My Joy~ Indigo Girls~

Congratulations goes to....

Due to the overwhelming response and interest in this particular giveaway....I decided that I couldn't have just one winner.  So, there will be four winners.  However, the first winner chosen using Random.org will be the winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  The three runners-up will be in for some surprise holiday gift.  I hope that all of these giveaways help make the holiday season a little easier on your hearts...Thank you to all for participating and for reading my story.  Happy Holidays!! <3

The winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories is....

Commenter #89: Alison said...

I visited the Metal Stamped Memories website and my favorite piece was the necklace that says "I carry your heart in my heart" with the place for your baby's name and birthstone

DECEMBER 13, 2011 2:37 PM

The 1st Runner Up is...

Commenter #27: Holly said...

LOVE the "Too beautiful for this earth" necklace. Her stuff is amazing.

matthollycart@gmail.com

DECEMBER 12, 2011 5:18 AM

The 2nd Runner Up is....

Commenter #57: Stefanie said...

Missing my baby Sam, born still at 38 weeks on May 9, 2011.

DECEMBER 12, 2011 2:17 PM

And the 3rd Runner Up is...

Commenter #4: Lori Smith said...

Your jewelry is beautiful. I am missing my sweet angel Noel Ann.She is celebrating Christmas with Jesus. Since Noel means Christmas we know her spirit is with us and everyone else during the holidays.
Lori Smith

DECEMBER 11, 2011 9:31 PM

Congrats to all!  Winners please contact me at azaleakate@gmail.com as soon as possible or leave your email addresses below.  Holly, it looks like I have yours already.  Alison, I will want to get you in touch with Michaela soon.  Again, thank you so much for participating.  ((hugs))

On the Twelfth Day of 25 Days of Giveaways....

Hello, for the first time or the 50th time, either way, welcome and thank you for visiting "On KK's Butterfly Wings" and taking part in the 25 Days of Giveaways that was started by the beautiful Tina over at "Living without Sophia and Ellie." Last year was the first Christmas that I joined in on this wonderful event, and not only did it give me joy by winning but also by providing some joy to others.  I am honored to be part of it all again...and hope that it helps someone out there remember and honor the life/lives of the beautiful baby/ies he/she is missing.  

Just a little bit about my story....this is my 3rd Christmas without my firstborn and only daughter, sweet Kennedy Kate.  Kennedy became her very own angel after only 22 weeks gestation.  However, about a month after we lost her, we found out she had passed away due to complications with Turner's Syndrome.  Kennedy had fought long and hard to be with me as long as she could, but eventually, her little heart stopped developing.  Even as I sit here today, a little over two years removed from that day when we found out she was gone, I cannot believe it happened.  However, the one thing that always gives me some peace is knowing that she has a purpose.  That her life had purpose...and not just to me, but to many others.  Kennedy's life continues to educate others about miscarriage, stillbirth, compassion, empathy and grief.  Yet her life also teaches others to never take anything for granted and rejoice in the many blessings that you have been offered.  Kennedy is currently the greatest and best gift I have ever received.  I thank God everyday for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  

Anyways, on to the giveaway.  As the title says... "On the twelfth day of 25 Days of Giveaways, I am offering you the opportunity to win a $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  This gift certificate is good towards any of the the beautiful aluminum pieces that the talented mother of Carter, Michaela, creates.  The lovely Michaela made a necklace for my giveaway last year and this year donated the gift certificate for the event.  Michaela is a lovely local Wisconsin woman who I met about a year ago at a walk called, "Miles of Hope."  After meeting her, I was able to purchase one of her necklaces that she specifically designed for that walk/run.  That necklace was one of the first pieces I bought in honor of Kennedy.  Since then, my collection of jewelry pieces has just taken off.  This includes the piece that I offered last year for the giveaway.

However, this is only one of the options that Michaela designs for mothers like me and you.  She has many more.  Here is another one of my new favorites of hers, "My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings."  There are ways that you can personalize and make it your own...Michaela is always very accommodating.  She knows and understands what it is like to go through a loss and how important it is for each of us to find ways to remember and honor our children.  

I cannot thank Michaela enough for donating such a wonderful and thoughtful gift.  I am privileged to know her and call her my friend.  I encourage every one of you to check out her shops either on her website, Etsy or Facebook.  She is absolutely amazing! :)

Okay, now on to how you can enter this incredible giveaway.  For one entry, please comment below on who you are missing this Christmas.  For a second entry, please check out and like Metal Stamped Memories Facebook page and then come back here and let me know.  For a third entry, please visit Metal Stamped Memories website  and return here to tell me your favorite piece of jewelry or keepsake.  Giveaway for Day 12 will close December 13th at 10:00 PM CST.  Winners will be announced on December 14th.  

Thank you again for visiting...sending lots of love to you all during this holiday season.  May the love of your angels always grace you with peace and joy in your hearts.  ((hugs))

Ready for a new era?

Tonight is my birthday eve...and not just any birthday eve, but this is the eve of my 30th birthday. A huge, momentous moment amoung many...I guess?! Thirty...hmmm. What does that mean? Is it really that big of a deal? Or is it just another year? And if it is a big deal, why does hitting the decades symbolize such a huge event? Why aren't other years celebrated or dreaded the same way?

The only real reason I can come up with is that we all have a fear of getting old. There was a time in our lives where we couldn't wait to be "older." At five, we couldn't wait to be an age where we could stay up later. At twelve, we couldn't wait to be teenagers. At fifteen, we couldn't wait to drive. At twenty, we awaited the day that we turned twenty-one. But then after 21, what is there? It's one of the weirdest phenomenons to me. Typically people spend only 20 years of their lives looking forward to the years ahead, but after that, there is a sense of foreboding that tends to go with the passing of time. But typically, people live well past their twenties. So, why do we spend the rest of our lives worrying, angry, afraid? Why don't most of us find ways to celebrate the time that is passing?

I think in the babyloss community, we worry a lot about time passing because it symbolizes how long we have been without our babies. We worry about who will forget the further we get away from that time. We become the voices for our children in Heaven by always emphasizing those moments or the time that has passed. We are the ones who know exactly how many years, months, minutes have passed from the time we said good-bye. So, for many of us, there have been moments in our lives when we would have preferred time to just stop. However, it didn't, and there was nothing we could do about it. Time has continued to move on, and so have we.

We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the time that has passed since we said good-bye. I know, personally, that without time I would never have been ready to set-up and organize the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day this year. I needed that time for my heart to heal and to gain the strength to reach out to other families who had been through similar situations. I needed time to be able to share my daughter and my story. I was able to do all of that with the gift of time.

So, yes, growing old can often be difficult and not fun. It can cause worry and frustration, but time can offer many opportunities. It gives all of us the chance to remember. It gives us a chance to grow. Develop. Change if we want to. Reflect. Start over. The time that has passed will always be there because the things that are most important we will never forget. Those things and events shaped us. However, to look forward allows us to take part in new adventures, new chapters, new moments.

Tonight, I am thankful for the gift of time. For the gift of another year. Another chance. A fresh outlook on all that could become of this year. I will look back on all that has happened in my 20s and fondly remember the good and bad times. And lately, it often feels like there are more bad times than good, but I had to have those times. I know that. They weren't and aren't easy, but there is a bigger story to tell. A story that continues into my 30s and beyond. So, I will celebrate being 30. And I will continue to look forward to the years, months, moments ahead.

Another good-bye...

Today I said good-bye again.  But not in the way that many think of immediately in this baby loss world.  This time the good-bye was to a marriage.  My marriage to Kennedy's daddy.  Although in many ways I feel like today was more a formality than the actual ending since we haven't been together in over a year now; however, it closes out a journey...a chapter. 

Eleven years is a long chapter, so maybe it was a couple of chapters, but nevertheless, I was forced to turn the page.  We started this process around April of this year, and today, I was told that I was officially a "non-married" person.  Wow...non-married.  It sounds almost surreal, especially when I have spent the last five as a "married" person, and even before that, felt married for most of my relationship with Kennedy's father.  

High school sweethearts.  College sweethearts.  Engaged at a parade in front of our entire hometown.  Bucky Badger attended our wedding.  Grand marshals at the Magic Kingdom parade.  Parents to a much-wanted daughter. And yet, despite all the wonderful events and opportunities that life granted us, we didn't grow together.  Life happened and it changed us.  

I really never thought something like this would happen to me...but again, I didn't think that I would lose my only daughter two years ago either.  It's just hard to imagine where life is going to take me.  I do see happy times and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet today one is of those days where the sadness has completely made the world feel very dark again.  I even caught myself crying at work today in front of two of my co-workers.  This is not something that ever happens.  I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until I find a time to cry by myself or blog about it here.  But today kind of rocked me, despite the formality of it all.  Today gave me a sense of finality.  Closure.  Maybe the tears are of relief?  Yes, definitely of sadness, but maybe the tears came because I can finally come to terms with what happened.  So, I can start to finally concentrate on me and accept who I am and where life has taken me.  It's all still very much a mystery at this point, but I'm hoping that time will lead me to the answers.  

After leaving the courthouse and driving home, I knew I needed to stop and visit my baby girl.  Kennedy will always be a part of her father and me, and she is the one connection that will always bring us back together.  I can't tell you that if Kennedy had lived her father and I would be together today, but I do believe that we would have put her first.  So, today was my day to apologize to her for what happened.  See, I know Kennedy watches over both of us, so I also know that she has seen our sadness and pain.  I can't stand that.  I don't like anyone to ever feel sorry for me or to worry about me, much less my little girl.  That is not her job, nor is it fair to her to have to see her mother upset, angry and hurt.  She's just a baby.  If she was here on Earth those are all emotions that I would hide from her.  Now, she's up in Heaven away from me, and she sees everything.  That is so hard.  I wish so much that things could have been different between her father and I.  That we could have showed her how we could be happy and in love again.  But that was not "meant to be."  We tried.  And while we tried, we hurt even more. 

So much of my life was built around my marriage and all of our hopes and dreams for the future.  And we did have some of the same dreams, but now, I am forced to follow many of them on my own.  My one hope for both of us despite the distance is that we are able to stay in touch, remember the good times, be happy and always carry the love of our daughter deep in our hearts.  

From this place...

As many of us in this community know, there are days that we wish we could go back.  Back to the world of naivete...back to the moment when we thought something was wrong....or just back to a world or time that felt safe.   This is one of those days for me.  A day when I wish I could just climb a tree and only see what is literally right in front of me or even what I want to see.  See what feels safe and know that I don't need to look back or ahead but just focus on the here and now.  But life just isn't like that.  There are things to do.  Lists.  Priorities.  Dreams.  Yet, I am afraid.  Afraid of what lies ahead.  Afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.  So, instead, I just want to climb my tree and hide.  Hide and wait until the world seems safe enough to stand on the ground again.  I am wobbly now.  Weak.  I have been hurt.  Crushed.  This leads me into a deep and hopeless anxiety over what could come next.  I need hope.  I need reassurance.  I need support.  I need love.  Without these, I cannot take that next step on my own.  The step that leads to my future.  Yes, I can always look back and wish for what was or could have been.  But those days are gone.  At some point, I need to climb that tree and look at where I can go next.  What new tree I can climb.  What new dreams I can pursue.

This One Place

Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie

cardinal landed outside my window

threw his head back and sang a song

so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree

full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and grey with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

25 Days of Giveaways Alert

So, I am totally trying to get back into blogging, especially with so many stressful events going on in my life, but before I do, I wanted to take the time to let everyone who reads my blog the opportunity to know about a fabulous event that will more than likely be taking place the entire month of December. It is called the 25 Days of Giveaways. This event was started by the beautiful and talented mother of Living Without Sophia and Ellie, Tina, two years ago after the loss of her twin girls. Tina is an amazing woman and mother to all of her children. She has an incredible talent of creating beautiful jewelry at Mama Mia Custom Stamped Jewelry. I personally own one of her custom-designed necklaces myself and it is one of my favorite pieces that I wear to honor Kennedy.

Anyways, back to the 25 Days of Giveaways.... Each day a blogger or two will host a day with some type of giveaway. It can be just about anything. For example, I have a wonderful friend who designs jewelry similar to Tina's, and I asked her to create a necklace for the event. Some bloggers offer giveaways directly related to the holidays or related to infant loss. It's up to you. If you are interested in hosting a day, please check out Tina's post located here. If you aren't interested in hosting a day but would love to check out the giveaways, Tina will be posting each day who is hosting. It will be up to you to keep up. In a holiday season that can often be quite difficult to get through while grieving the loss of your child/ren, this event is sure to put a smile on your face at some point. I not only won some things, but it introduced me to several different bloggers who have become my friends over the last year. Plus, there are some pretty talented people out there who create unique things for this community and for others.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I look forward to hosting one of the days for this event and helping whoever I can, including myself, get through some difficult times. Hang in there and know that we can get through this together. ((hugs))

Happy 2nd birthday in Heaven, sweet baby girl.

Today marks two years since my little girl grew her angel wings...  October 22nd marks the day that I was told that my daughter no longer had a heartbeat.  That she had left this Earth to enter another place.  I cannot even fathom that it has been that long now.  Where has the time gone?

It has been so long since I have written on here that I hardly know what to write anymore.  Yet, this is the place I have come to remember her.  To share her.  I may post something on Facebook, but this feels more secure.  Private.  Privileged.  I have shared Kennedy's story with so many, yet this is very much the place and world where I felt the most secure in doing so.  She was readily accepted as was I.  Here is where I continue to feel that her presence will be remembered.  Facebook is a place where people in my life who continue to wonder why I have not "moved on" will question why I would post a birthday remembrance for my dead baby still after all this time.  The scrutiny is enough for me to want to hide.  I just don't know....

I continue to feel some acceptance and love these days following the event that was planned for all babies gone too soon.  The idea came from my sweet little girl.  Without her, I would not have ever thought to plan such an event for the Madison area.  She is the reason for the celebration of life.  The gift of a child no matter how small was embraced and remembered.  Kennedy's life provided others the opportunity to talk and share about their babies.  What a gift she truly was and is.  She not only changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined, but she also has changed the lives of others.  The impact this little girl will have in the future is endless.  

As I sit and write, I think about what it would be like for me to be planning a 2nd birthday for a little girl.  Would it have been a family party?  Or would there be little friends for her too?  What would she wear?  What theme would the party be?  Would she smile and giggle with everyone around her or would she be shy with all the attention?  Would she jump right in to eat birthday cake or would her dainty little fingers never touch it at all?  Would my little girl want baby dolls or trucks and cars?  What music would we dance to?  How many fingers would she hold up?  How many changes of clothes would there be?  Those are my questions.  My dreams.  My fantasies.  It doesn't matter how any of those questions would have been answered....the important thing would be that they would be answered.  Because it would mean that she was here.  Alive.  With me.  Instead, I can only hope that this party is just as I imagined it to be...only in a different place.  A far better place than here, but without me.  I hope she is giggling in a frilly pink dress with pink ribbons in her hair with family and friends all around her.  I would hope she would at least try the birthday cake with pink frosting and try to blow out her candles with the help of others.  Knowing my little girl, she would want a baby doll as a gift and would dance to any music that was playing.  My little girl would be happy and loved.  My little girl is happy and loved.  

So, Miss Kennedy Kate, I wish you the happiest birthday/heaven date of them all.  May this year in Heaven bring new surprises...new joys...and love to you always.  Your mommy wishes she was there with you to celebrate or even for you to be here, but there will be many birthdays to celebrate someday when we meet again.  You are my dream come true, Kennedy Kate.  I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I love you...but it's true, a mother's love is so different than any other kind of love.  You are my world.  My prized possession.  My gift.  Being away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  I need you to continue to be happy, baby girl, and to always know how much you are loved and remembered.  You are my firstborn, KK...and you forever will hold a special place in my heart.  Give your Gr8ams a big hug and kiss from me.  

Love you to the moon and back, baby of mine.  

A "real" mother

This post is a long time in the making...  It is dedicated to all of you out there who have the desire to be a mother but may struggle with infertility issues, baby losses, etc.  This is post is about what makes you all a "real" mother.

Early in August, I was able to take a visit to the Milwaukee Zoo.  This is always one of my favorite "end of summer" trips before I mentally and physically prepare for the upcoming school year.  The Milwaukee Zoo not only was holding a Butterfly Exhibit during that time, but it also allows me to visit my two favorite orangutans, Mahal and MJ.  Mahal is the little guy you see in the video above and MJ is his mother.

Mahal had a painful first few months of his life as he searched for a mother that could take care of him and be the mother that he needed.  Once he was placed with MJ (who was unable to have children of her own but loved them ever the same), the bond was quite instant.  MJ was the mother that Mahal needed.  She was destined to have him in her life.  She was and is his mother.   Here is the link to the book that was created about Mahal and his journey to meet his mother, MJ.

I have always loved this story so much.  I think it relates so much to the world of loss, love and adoption.  It shows the deep desire to be a mother and to care for a child, whether that child is biologically your own or not.  If you didn't know the story of MJ and Mahal, you would never look at these two animals and think that Mahal isn't biologically connected to MJ.  MJ has nurtured and loved Mahal as her child.  He is her child.  So, I was devastated that day in August to hear the comment at least twice that "MJ isn't Mahal's real mommy."

What makes someone a "real" mommy?  Is it strictly based on a biological connection?  And if so, does that mean that if someday I decided to adopt a child that he/she would never be my "real" child or I would never be his/her "real" mother?  Would I continuously have to hear that?  How is that fair?  How does that make any sense at all?  The definition of a mother is:

         a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

These are the definitions of what makes someone a mother.  There is no definition of what a real "mother" is.  I am a mother.  Many of you who read my blog are mothers.  Mothers of babies in Heaven and on Earth.  MJ is a mother to Mahal.  And anyone who chooses to adopt a child is a mother to that child.  There may even be people who choose to care for a child without adoption or conception that could be considered mothers.  "Mother" is a word.  It is a name.  It is associated with a being who raises and cares for a child.  It is a privilege to carry that title.  It should not be abused.  Yet, it should be given out to those who have loved and cared for a child the way a child deserves to be cared for.  There should not be "real" or "surrogate" attached.  That shouldn't matter.  In the end, the name "Mother" should be given out by the child.  He/She knows who his/her mother is.  

I think not knowing for sure that Kennedy knows who I am has always been a concern for me.  When we meet someday in Heaven, will she recognize me?  Will she call me "Mommy"?  Will she know me as the one who carried her for 5 months but said good-bye too soon?  Does she look down on me and sense my love for her still?  I want this so much for her and for me.  I want her to see me and know who I am, despite the time we have spent apart.  I wish I was the one caring for her now.  The one who was rocking her to sleep.  Reading her bed-time stories.  Singing her songs.  I hope that she sees me as her mommy.  I hope she will always see me as the one who cares for her most of all.  

I know that this is something that we all hope for in the baby loss world.  The hope of meeting our babies once again and connecting in that special way that only a mother and her baby do.  I know that we also hope for the day when we will be mothers to special babies here on Earth too.  As I sit here and write, I can think of all my beautiful baby loss friends who have recently experienced the births of their rainbow babies and the ones who are awaiting the arrival of those rainbows (both through conception and adoption).  Each of us in this community know what loss feels like, yet each of us knows what love feels like.  Each of us realizes the importance in caring for a child, especially a child we so desperately want in our lives.  We are special kinds of mothers.  Each and every one of us.  Including you, MJ.

When I grow up....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a common question asked of little kids.  Answers come in all sorts of various ways.  "A firefighter."  "A astronaut."  "A fisherman."  "A basketball player."  "A dog sitter."  Etc., Etc.  I was asked this very same question many times throughout my childhood, and quite often throughout those years the answer changed.  "A teacher."  "The first woman in the NBA." "The president." "A marine biologist." "A pediatrician." "A sports commentator." And finally back to, "a teacher" again.  Little did I know that the one answer I should have come up with every single time would be "a mother."  But not just any mother....I would need to be specific.  I needed to answer, "a mother to a living baby on Earth."

You really don't hear many young girls or boys express their desire to be a parent at a young age.  Some of the real little ones may say that, but not as often in today's society.  There is a push to be something "more."  I really never thought about how we, as a society, are quick to believe that everyone gets that chance to be a mother to a child on Earth.  I can hear teachers that I have worked with quickly dismiss the little girl who says she wants to be a mommy and say, "Well, yes, of course, but what else do you want to be?"  Why, I wonder, has the view of a mother changed?  Why can't that little girl just be a mother?  Why does she have to be something more?

I find myself having a really difficult time understanding this about our society right now, which is a very interesting viewpoint for me to take.  If you haven't noticed by now through my blogging or even through Facebook, I tend to a be a very strong-willed, independent woman.  I have pretty "left-sided" views on life.  I was one who always wanted something more.  I wanted to spread my wings, fight for my rights, and pretty much follow the sentiment, "I am woman. Here my roar."  And there is a part of me that really wants to do that still, but there is a greater need/desire taking over.  It's a need that almost feels unnatural because it's unlike anything I have ever felt before.  But it almost makes it the most natural need I have ever known.  I have a true passion to be a mother to a living child.  I know it's the one thing in the world I want most of all.  I know it's the one thing I will ever want most of all.

Of course I still very much ache for the child I will never hold here on Earth, my sweet Kennedy Kate, but this is a different feeling.  When I look at pregnant women or women with young children, I miss my daughter, but what I miss most is that opportunity to raise her here.  I want that chance to be up all night with my baby or watch him/her take his/her first steps or crawl.  I want to worry about my baby but know that I have some control over those worries as I care for that child.  I want to watch my child develop and grow into whomever or whatever he/she wants to be.  I want to support that child.  Love that child.  I want that here.  Those aren't things you can do for a baby in Heaven.  It's just not possible at this point.

This need comes at a very difficult time for me as Kennedy's father and I have just filed for divorce.  So, I'm not seeing any way of meeting this need anytime in the near future, which may make it hurt even more.  In the past two years, I have seen myself go from one of the first in my family, group of friends, co-workers be pregnant to the one on the sidelines watching everyone else getting their needs and wishes met.  While I'm still waiting....hoping...praying....even believing that it has to come true at some point.  It feels like everyone else gets a baby at the end of their pregnancy (although, I know this is very much not true), why shouldn't I?  Why didn't I answer that question 20+ years ago, "I want to be a mother to a living child on Earth"?  Would it have made a difference today?  Probably not....but if someone would ask that of me today, I would definitely answer differently.  There isn't anything I want more when I grow up.

July's letter to my daughter

Dearest sweet daughter of mine,

Kennedy, your mommy has kind of been neglecting this place for most of the month.  With good intention and good reasoning behind everything I am doing, but it still bothers me that I haven't spent time writing about the journey that this month has been and all that I have been doing for you and me.  You see, Kennedy, I really think July has kind of opened a new door for what this journey without you is going to bring me.  I see changes.  I see strength.  I see excitement.  I see ambition.  But most of all, I am finding purpose.  A purpose and a drive to continue to share you with others.  This drive has led me down the path of starting the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Event here in Madison.  I can hardly believe that this actually might happen, sweet girl.  But it really appears that it might.  There are so many more things to do and plan, but it's going to be beautiful, KK.  Really beautiful.  And I'm doing this all because of you.  You have led me to this place.  Again, I am eternally grateful for you.  You have brought me so much peace and happiness in times when I never thought I would feel it again.  Thank you.

The other thing that I must mention that has occurred in the last month is the fact that your Daddy and I will no longer be together.  Oh, sweet girl, this one brings me such sadness because of all that you brought to our lives.  I want you to always know that us not being together is not because of you.  However, Kennedy, you must know that your mommy hasn't been happy for quite awhile now, and it was time for your daddy and I to move our separate ways.  We will always have you in our hearts guiding the path that our lives will lead now.  We share a bond that many people don't.  We share the fact that you are and will always be our daughter.  Our first-born.  We will celebrate your life and your memory forever...and more than likely even together on those special days that we keep just for you.  We will stay friends forever.  This is important to both of us as 11 years is a long time to share your life with someone.

Dear, sweet girl.  I hope you are well up in Heaven.  Mommy hasn't visited your other place lately either.  I do hope you know that I think of you often and everything surrounding this event and my drive to see it accomplished is about you.  I have a secret to tell you, Kennedy.  We are holding this event exactly 1 week before your heaven date.  It's kind of exciting because it's going to be kind of an early birthday party for you.  P.S. It's going to be pretty big.  Shh...don't tell anyone though.  :) 

Well, baby, it's almost the end of July, so I must end this letter.  I hope that there is someway that I can get back into writing more again.  I know it's about not having time, but I used to force myself to make time.  It allowed me to get my emotions out, especially when I haven't been to see the grief counselor for awhile now either.  It's weird this whole grief journey.  I don't really like it because I have no control.  But I guess I don't really have a choice, unfortunately. 

Sending many kisses and hugs up to Heaven always....thank you for your guiding spirit and inspiration.

Love to you always,
Mommy

Your Life Vs. Mine

Seriously...I am waiting.  I keep waiting for the time when I can write a really good post.  A post about something or someone positive in my life.  And I should have that...  No, wait, I DO have that.  But why does it seem like the "Negative Nellies" in my life are the ones I write about?  Or spend time with?  One reason seems to be that I get so frustrated with certain people that it just leads me to vent...  And I really hate to use this space as venting, especially when there was a time that this place was sacred only to my sweet girl.  When all I wanted to do was talk about her and how I was dealing with the loss of her.  However, I guess the title of On KK's Butterfly Wings describes my life after the loss of her.  And this is my life now.  My life without her as I try to deal with people who frustrate me to the point of needing to write and share.  Okay, so now that I've found a reason to share this story again, here it is:

Before I officially start, this post has been changed for confidentiality reasons.  I may even think about eventually taking this post off of this blog, but for now, I will keep it as generic as I can. 

As we all know, we have some people in our lives who show support and love throughout anything we go through.  I think in the case of baby loss, we tend to lose more people than we thought was possible, but there are still those few who stick around.  I still find about 20 months later that I am bothered by those people who weren't able to support me when I needed them most of all.  And some of those people were family members of mine.  Close family members who were a part of very important events in my life. 

I have tried the philosophy of letting things go....and trying to find forgiveness for their lack of empathy.  I even try to forget those times.  But all it takes is lack of empathy again when it comes to my newest loss that leads me down that path of anger.  So, as of late, this is where I am again.  And the cause has been a comparison of someone else's life to mine. 

I hate to compare.  I think that I lived a life of comparison as a child.  I always wanted to be the best at everything.  The best athlete.  The best student.  The best looking.  Etc. Etc.  I wanted to be the girl who had it all.  However, I hung around a group of girls that always had all of those things.  And they were all better than me.  Or so I perceived.  Then, I went off to college and gained a little bit of self-confidence and self-esteem.  My group of friends was no longer based on what we played or how we looked, it was based on common interests or career choices.  However, I think there has always been self-esteem issues in the back of my head. They linger and cause me to worry a lot about what people think of me. 

So, when someone makes a comment that his/her life is harder than mine.  I immediately want to jump down his/her throat.  Not that I think differently or want to believe that my life is worse, but I don't want to compare.  To compare situations and emotions can lead to the judgment of character, self-esteem and self-confidence.  I don't want that.  I have learned, especially in the last couple of years, that we are all extremely different people and we handle situations that come our way the best way we know how.  We handle them based on previous experiences, where we are emotionally in our lives, and the types of support we have or reach out to.  I also truly believe that we are genetically programmed to handle situations a certain way.  And most of the time, this is different than the person sitting next to you.  So then, how can you compare? 

In my opinion, this person cannot and shouldn't.  He/She has not walked in my shoes.  And I have not walked in his/hers.  The only thing that I ask of him/her to do is to take the time to imagine what my life is like.  Walk in my shoes for just a minute before you choose to make a rash comment.  I promise you, I will think about yours.  But I will not compare. 

The other thing I will not do is wish my life on you in order for you to know what it has been like for me.  I would never wish my life on anyone else, although I do know that some people in this world have been through much more.  This is my life.  This is the life I have been given.  Some things have been in my control.  Others have not.  But I am doing my best to make the most of it.  I hope that you can make the most of yours too. 

There are days when I would like to tell this person in my life what I really feel.  How angry and hurt I am.  Obviously, this has been boiling up for awhile.  There have been events in my life that have led to this hurt, let-down feeling with this particular person, especially early on after my loss of Kennedy.  An event in which he/she never took the time to support me.  Or mention word of my baby.  He/She still hasn't.  It's like my baby never existed in his/her life.  And obviously this behavior still haunts me, but like I said before, I always continue to work on letting things go.  I guess my mission now is to try to forget that he/she made this comparison.  And to support this person the best I can despite the ache I feel that he/she doesn't know to be there for me. 

I know that this is what Kennedy would want and do.  This is the way I would teach her.  This is the way she is being taught by watching me, listening to my words and spending time with my Grams.  My Kennedy would know and understand empathy and forgiveness.  She would know how to accept others for their differences.  I will do this in her memory.  I will do this for her. 

A Wish Upon a Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

Is this really the thought process that we should be teaching our young?  That when you look out on a star and make a wish, your dreams will come true.  I feel like I have done that.  Many times even.  Yet, I sit here tonight and wonder where those dreams went.  Did they really come true?  Or am I still waiting?  Maybe the song should have had a timeline with it.  I mean, when Jiminy Cricket sang it on Pinocchio, it almost happened instantly for Pinocchio.  He wanted to be a real boy.  And he became one.  I don't really remember much time in between him wishing for that and then it happening.  Yes, there were some tumultuous activities to get there.... but still, at the end of the movie, there was a happy ending.  This happens in every movie.  A happy ending.  The goofy guy gets the girl.  The princess falls in love with the Beast who is really a prince.  The kid gets the dog.  The comeback player wins the game.  the waitress wins the lottery and starts her own business.  You name it.  It happens. 

If my life was a movie and it ended with where my life was now, what would people say?  What would the reviewers think?  Would it have to end with "To be continued...."  Kind of like Harry Potter.  The producers have yet to figure out where this story is going to go, but this one movie isn't good enough to end like this just yet.  So, let's keep the audience thinking and hope that things get better. 

That's really all I can wish for right now.  My wish on my star would be that things will turn around.  That things will get better.  Maybe I'll even be okay using the cliche, "This too shall pass."  I have to believe in something. 

I'm pretty low right now, but I'm desperately trying to stay busy.  I am dreaming.  Thinking.  Doing.  But despite all of that, I can't shake the feeling that I've hit a new depth to my grief again.  I'm crying during fireworks.  Having trouble falling asleep.  I don't want to spend time with people outside those that know all about what's going on in my life.  I don't really even want to talk about the way I'm feeling, so I come here instead.  I'm putting up a major front for all.  I want to be strong.  Resilient.  Tough.  But inside, I'm melting. 

I am still finding time for myself and doing things that I enjoy.  But my body is worn out by the end of the night if I've been with people all day long.  I haven't had the time to reflect and think about things.  And the then the night comes.  The night leads to thinking.  Maybe too much.  Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut off.  Take a break.  Let me be. 

I wonder if that should be my wish to the star instead.  The wish for my brain to just relax.  Let things be.  Patience. Wait and see how the second movie pans out.  And maybe there will even be a third?  Oooh, a trilogy....how exciting.  Exciting...hmmm...interesting choice of words.  Guess we'll just have to hang tight, have faith and believe.  

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

What should have been....

I don't want to go off on another tangent or rage about what I should or shouldn't have in my life.  But this is one of those moments that I needed to write.  To vent.  To express my sadness over another loss that is occurring in my life.  The loss of my marriage. My marriage to Kennedy's father. 

As of about a week and a half ago, Kennedy's father and I met to discuss what we were feeling and where we thought we were heading with this marriage.  Although, the conversation didn't start off like that, I knew exactly where it was heading.  All it took was for me to ask him, "What are you feeling about us?"  And suddenly, there was the answer.  The answer that I think I knew has been there for quite some time and may have even prepared for but really wasn't ready for.  He simply answered that Easter had been really hard on him since it was the first holiday he hadn't been a part of with my family.  On that day, he looked up divorce papers and started filling them out.  This was at the end of April.  At that moment, I was shocked.  I was hurt.  But these were all emotions I thought I had prepared myself for.  But it still hurt.  I was still shocked.  And tears sprang to my eyes.  I didn't know what to say.  All I could do was look at the papers and realize that this was really happening.  My marriage of five years was coming to a close.  Eleven total years together.  We were kids when we fell in love.  And growing into adults had changed us.  We had not grown together....we had grown apart.  And that's why we didn't work anymore.  This is obviously only part of the reason...but I would prefer not to go into details.

As I got up to leave the apartment where we had lost Kennedy, I told him that I would try to pick up the rest of my things soon. He didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry, but I felt the need to rid him of all of my stuff.  He deserved a fresh start.  A new beginning.  And obviously, reminders of me wouldn't help that.  Then, I walked out of the apartment.  I carried a bag of garbage to the dump and made my way to my car parked in front of the apartment complex.  I started pulling away and saw Kennedy's father walk out.  It was obvious he had been crying.  I felt terrible.  Confused.  Frustrated.  But completely empathetic.  I couldn't leave him like that.  We needed to do this on a better note.  After all, we had spent eleven years together.  Graduated high school and college together.  Celebrated marriages of friends and family.  Celebrated some new babies.  Figured out how to live on our own free "somewhat" from our parents.  We had taken those first steps of adulthood together.  We had decided to have a baby.  Then lost a baby and grieved.   So, as I watched him walk away with tears, I pulled up in my car and told him to get in.  We then talked more...shared happy memories...and were able to walk away knowing that we would always have a special connection thank you to our daughter. 

Ever since that day I feel like I have been on a whirlwind of emotions.  Guilt for not making things work...if anything for our daughter.  Sadness for what should have been.  Anger for the time that has been lost and the unhappiness that has occurred because of the situation.  Jealously towards all of those whose life appears to be perfect...and who are achieving their "happily ever after."  Afraid of what people will perceive of me and my life.  I feel the need to guard my heart again.  I don't really want to see anyone.  Talk to anyone.  Share this part of my life.  I'm embarrassed. My life was supposed to be so different five years ago when I took those vows on June 24, 2006.  I was supposed to get the happy ending story.  Where is that life?  What happened? 

And yet, as we all know, life goes on.  So, I put on my happy face and keep moving ahead.  Very few people in my life even know that Kennedy's father and I had this talk.  I'm just not ready yet to share, which has always been my mantra.  I thought I had done some growing since losing Kennedy.  I thought I was learning to open up and share.  But now, I'm turning into that chameleon again.  I'm shutting down.  Putting the walls up.  Only time will tell when I'm ready to share...hopefully those that have always shown me love will still be there to help break down the walls and support me again.  Until then, I will grieve.  I will grieve differently than before.  But I will grieve for the hopes and dreams that I once shared with Kennedy's father.  I will grieve for my marriage. I will grieve for lost love.  

"I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it." ~Unknown~

Hooray for the Winners!

I am so very excited to finally announce the winners of my "New Blog Design"/100 posts/Mikayla Grace's Birthday" Giveaway!!  I know that it was supposed to be occur yesterday, but better late than never. 

The winner of the goodie mix....the magnet, memory stone and flourish is Lily's momma, Rebecca.  Congrats to one of my dear friends.  Rebecca just started blogging not too long ago.  I'm sure she would love a few more supporters and friends as she grieves the loss of her little girl and is currently on another journey of carrying her rainbow baby.  So glad that I could, hopefully, make her day a little brighter with this win.  :)

And the second winner of The Good Grief Club book in honor of Mikayla's birthday is Harper's momma, Rhiannon.  Another one of my dear friends who has been with me from almost the very beginning of blogging.  This win for Rhiannon made me especially happy since she will be remembering her sweet Harper's first birthday in a couple of days.  Happy birthday, sweet girl.  Hope the day is gentle on your mama's heart. 

Congratulations to the winners...and thank you so much for all of your supportive comments regarding the new blog design of On KK's Butterfly Wings.  I'm still amazed how beautiful it turned out. 

Giveaway reminder

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, 

a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead." 

~Frederick Buechner 

Just a quote to stop and make you think today....it's definitely one that has been on my mind.  Maybe it will happen someday for all of us.  We can look at the tragedy of losing a baby and realize all that has come from it.  And hopefully, most of what would come from it would be good.  

And don't forget to comment here or on my last post regarding the giveaway that will end tomorrow night.  

Happy 1st Day of Summer! :)

Check it out...and make sure to Add My Flair! ;)

After some careful thought and a fair amount of time and energy, I'm am so very pleased to present the unique and beautiful blog design that the amazing Franchesca at Small Bird Studios created for me.

If anyone who currently reads my blog hasn't heard about this gifted individual yet...then please make sure you check out her website.  Fran is talented.  Fran is gracious.  Fran is humble.  But most of all, Fran is a baby loss mother herself.  And she is has found ways to exhibit her energy and her talent by creating masterpieces in the form of web designs, business cards, her very own card line with another amazing BLM, Carly Dudley, decorative headbands and flourishes, etc.  So, basically, Fran can do it all.  Plus, be a mother to her little boy on Earth and her little girl in Heaven.

I cannot begin to thank her enough for the care and precision she took in developing this blog design.  She and I both wanted it to be perfect.  And in my mind, it couldn't have turned out any better than it did.  As always, I am amazed by the gifts that this community provides me and others, and I am touched to call you my supporters and friends.  Thank you, Fran.  Thank you for sharing my vision of this blog and seeing it through to the end.

As an extra incentive to checking out Small Bird studios and my new blog design, I have finally decided to hold my giveaway.  This giveaway is in honor of so many things.  As of right now, this post will be my 100th post.  I recently reached a year of blogging.  And obviously, I am honored to share this new design of On KK's Butterfly Wings with you all.  The giveaway is going to be a delightful mixture of goodies from some of my very favorite people....the inspirational Jessica at Too Beautiful for Earth: Memorial Art, the brilliant Tiffany at Written from the Heart and the phenomenal Franchesca at The Flourish Shop.  Each of these ladies have created beautiful pieces of art, some in memory of lost loved ones and others just for fun.  I am blessed to know each of these ladies and to call them my friends.

Here are the items that will be given away to the winner:

personalized magnet from Too Beautiful for Earth

Memory Stone from Written from the Heart

Decorative flourish from The Flourish Shop or Small Bird Studios on Etsy

And in honor of Miss Mikayla Grace's birthday and heaven date this week, I would also like to award another winner a copy of one of my favorite good grief books. The Good Grief Club by Monica Novak, is a true story of seven women who meet and become friends after experiencing the loss of their babies through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.  They form a "club" to help unite them on this journey through grief and to support each other in the journey that lay ahead without their children. 

 I absolutely loved this book.  It reminded me so much of my blogging and support group sisters.  I am so blessed to have a world of people that support me through anything.  I know that you were brought to me through the grace of my beautiful daughter.  She knew I would need someone...and led me your way.  In particular, Kennedy helped me find this beautiful friend of mine.  That is Mikayla and Chase's momma, Melissa.  I thank Kennedy and God everyday for bringing her into my life.  We found each other when we needed a friend who "got it" and will always be bonded for life by our children in Heaven. 

Melissa and I on our daughters' bench on Memorial Day

To enter the giveaways, please leave a comment below.  Winners will be chosen by June 22, 2011.  Looking forward to hearing what you all think of my new design and the giveaways. :)