Am I really "ok?"

What is the point of "being ok?"  It's not happy.  It's not sad.   It's not even angry or frustrated.  What really is "ok"?  According to the definition, "Ok" is: Satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.  ie. "the flight was OK".  


What?! Satisfactory?  Really.... is that where I am?  Today is not the best day for me to think about being satisfactory, maybe.  Satisfactory....let's look that up next.  Satisfactory is: Fulfilling expectations or needs; acceptable, though not outstanding or perfect.  


Yep, I really didn't think so.  Fulfilling of needs...yep, probably.  Fulfilling of expectations.  Not even close.  Closer than I was.  Yes.  But close.  Close is tomorrow.  Close is an hour from now.  That is what close is.  I am not close.  Therefore, my expectations are not being met.  And, I am not "ok."  I am nothing.  I have no words.  I don't know how to teach my emotion.  I just "am." How I ever thought I was "ok" is kind of a joke, but I must have had at some point. I didn't know the definition then.  Because if I was there before I don't know how I am here now.  Although, life has happened again.  Maybe that is it...


Yesterday, I experienced the birth of yet another baby of my friends being born.  I am starting to think I have too many friends. Or wait...too many friends that are having babies. That has to be it.  Too many friends having babies.  (sorry to all of my blms having babies).  Healthy babies.  Happy babies.  Happy families.  Happy friends.  Happy parties.  And then...there is me.  Happy is not a word I use often.  Maybe in..."happy birthday".  But that is about it.    I hate to be a downer.  I hate to sound pathetic.  Sad.  Lonely.  Seflish.  Pitiful.  Jealous.  But I am.  I want my friends to have healthy babies.  Happy babies.  Happy family.  Etc. Etc.  I really do.  Because I love my friends.  Most of them.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  IT HURTS EVERY SINGLE TIME.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  


I never ever thought that my crazy party friend.  The one guy that I thought may have a very difficult time getting married because he just enjoyed partying, dating, hanging out too much, etc. would be the same guy who got married less than 2 years ago and now has a beautiful baby girl that was delivered by his amazing wife on his birthday.  What an amazing gift!  How do people get so lucky? Honestly.  I want to know.  I want to know what I did.  How did my life get to this point?  


Again, I will emphasize my unhappiness with a major "ick."  I hate this feeling.  I have been here before.  And I realize part of it is just to due to the timing.  Babies being born.  School ending.  Stress level high.  Hormone levels all over the place (I will write about that a different time).  But it all adds up to this moment.  A moment I wish wasn't here at all.  To feel like this is not "ok."  It's still not really "ok" after all this time.  I have positives, and I recognize those and will write about those at a different time too.  It's just the moment.  A moment where I needed to vent.  Write.  Share.  Wallow in my sadness.  This is where I am right now.  In this moment.  And this is not an "ok" time.  I am neither satisfactory nor especially good.  I hate this moment.  I want it to be different.  I wish I could change it.  But I can't.  It's the hand I was dealt.  The pain is there.  It will always be there.  It lessens every once and awhile...but it's always there.  There is no cure.  Or if there is...I haven't found it yet.  Maybe someday?  Maybe sometime?  And if I do...will I be "ok" then?  Really, truly "ok?"  

If it happened again

A couple of months ago, I decided to see my naturopathic doctor again to discuss the possibility of looking at my hormone levels due to the consistent and extremely painful discomfort that occurs right around ovulation or my "most fertile days". Although the test is quite expensive, I knew that it was the route that I wanted to take to at least see what could possibly be going on with me. I just recently sent the results of a month long saliva (gross...I know) test and am now awaiting an appointment to discuss the results with my doctor. I really don't know why I am filled with worry...or fear. I want answers. I want something to go on...so that I can look and figure out what will help. Up until now, several doctors have been drawing at straws...throwing meds my way, offering diet changes, etc. Nothing has helped. And I need help. I am sick of this pain. The pain that, coincidentally, started about 2 months after I lost my daughter. The pain that I have now been dealing with for over 2 years. It needs to end because it is a constant reminder. A bad reminder. I don't need anymore bad reminders. I have enough of those. But because of this pain, it always takes me back to what would or could I have done differently. Which also leads to me the thought of "if it happened again..."

If it happened again, I would do so many things differently. I would deliver...regardless of how far along I was. The natural progression of pregnancy is to deliver. My body was preparing to do that with Kennedy. When she died, that progression was hindered, but not completely stopped until I had the d&e. It is unnatural for a baby to be taken from your body the way mine was. It didn't make sense. I think my body knew that, which may be the cause of all my pain now. No, I do not know that for sure, and I may never know but it is the thought process I have. After delivering, I would want to see my baby. Hold my baby (if possible). Make as many memories as I can regardless of what she/he would look like. I regret that every single day because I was afraid. I didn't know any better. And I didn't have a lot of support. No one argued with me. No one said, "You should want to see her." So, I didn't, but I would if it ever happened again.

I would know all the "right" things to do in a very horrible situation. I would hold a memorial. I would put together an obituary. I would make sure others knew about him/her to focus on the "realness" of the situation and the human being that had been lost. But, as I begin to think about everything that I would do differently if it happened again, do realize how hard it would be to do all the "right" things for one but not the other. Where is the equality in that? How would that be fair to Kennedy? My first born. How could a mother choose to do things differently and not equally? What an absolutely terrible thing to ponder. Equality for two dead babies. But, I guess in this world nothing is off limits...including equality for dead babies. It makes me sick just thinking about it. But I know it happens. I am sorry to all of you who have to go through this....not only once, but more than once. How you survived...I will never know. Or...I hope to never know. At this point, I am still in the mindset that if I had the chance, I would do it all over again. Try to have a baby. Be "Joyfully" pregnant. Make memories as soon as possible. But if... If. I have absolutely no idea.