July's letter to my daughter

Dearest sweet daughter of mine,

Kennedy, your mommy has kind of been neglecting this place for most of the month.  With good intention and good reasoning behind everything I am doing, but it still bothers me that I haven't spent time writing about the journey that this month has been and all that I have been doing for you and me.  You see, Kennedy, I really think July has kind of opened a new door for what this journey without you is going to bring me.  I see changes.  I see strength.  I see excitement.  I see ambition.  But most of all, I am finding purpose.  A purpose and a drive to continue to share you with others.  This drive has led me down the path of starting the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Event here in Madison.  I can hardly believe that this actually might happen, sweet girl.  But it really appears that it might.  There are so many more things to do and plan, but it's going to be beautiful, KK.  Really beautiful.  And I'm doing this all because of you.  You have led me to this place.  Again, I am eternally grateful for you.  You have brought me so much peace and happiness in times when I never thought I would feel it again.  Thank you.

The other thing that I must mention that has occurred in the last month is the fact that your Daddy and I will no longer be together.  Oh, sweet girl, this one brings me such sadness because of all that you brought to our lives.  I want you to always know that us not being together is not because of you.  However, Kennedy, you must know that your mommy hasn't been happy for quite awhile now, and it was time for your daddy and I to move our separate ways.  We will always have you in our hearts guiding the path that our lives will lead now.  We share a bond that many people don't.  We share the fact that you are and will always be our daughter.  Our first-born.  We will celebrate your life and your memory forever...and more than likely even together on those special days that we keep just for you.  We will stay friends forever.  This is important to both of us as 11 years is a long time to share your life with someone.

Dear, sweet girl.  I hope you are well up in Heaven.  Mommy hasn't visited your other place lately either.  I do hope you know that I think of you often and everything surrounding this event and my drive to see it accomplished is about you.  I have a secret to tell you, Kennedy.  We are holding this event exactly 1 week before your heaven date.  It's kind of exciting because it's going to be kind of an early birthday party for you.  P.S. It's going to be pretty big.  Shh...don't tell anyone though.  :) 

Well, baby, it's almost the end of July, so I must end this letter.  I hope that there is someway that I can get back into writing more again.  I know it's about not having time, but I used to force myself to make time.  It allowed me to get my emotions out, especially when I haven't been to see the grief counselor for awhile now either.  It's weird this whole grief journey.  I don't really like it because I have no control.  But I guess I don't really have a choice, unfortunately. 

Sending many kisses and hugs up to Heaven always....thank you for your guiding spirit and inspiration.

Love to you always,
Mommy

Your Life Vs. Mine

Seriously...I am waiting.  I keep waiting for the time when I can write a really good post.  A post about something or someone positive in my life.  And I should have that...  No, wait, I DO have that.  But why does it seem like the "Negative Nellies" in my life are the ones I write about?  Or spend time with?  One reason seems to be that I get so frustrated with certain people that it just leads me to vent...  And I really hate to use this space as venting, especially when there was a time that this place was sacred only to my sweet girl.  When all I wanted to do was talk about her and how I was dealing with the loss of her.  However, I guess the title of On KK's Butterfly Wings describes my life after the loss of her.  And this is my life now.  My life without her as I try to deal with people who frustrate me to the point of needing to write and share.  Okay, so now that I've found a reason to share this story again, here it is:

Before I officially start, this post has been changed for confidentiality reasons.  I may even think about eventually taking this post off of this blog, but for now, I will keep it as generic as I can. 

As we all know, we have some people in our lives who show support and love throughout anything we go through.  I think in the case of baby loss, we tend to lose more people than we thought was possible, but there are still those few who stick around.  I still find about 20 months later that I am bothered by those people who weren't able to support me when I needed them most of all.  And some of those people were family members of mine.  Close family members who were a part of very important events in my life. 

I have tried the philosophy of letting things go....and trying to find forgiveness for their lack of empathy.  I even try to forget those times.  But all it takes is lack of empathy again when it comes to my newest loss that leads me down that path of anger.  So, as of late, this is where I am again.  And the cause has been a comparison of someone else's life to mine. 

I hate to compare.  I think that I lived a life of comparison as a child.  I always wanted to be the best at everything.  The best athlete.  The best student.  The best looking.  Etc. Etc.  I wanted to be the girl who had it all.  However, I hung around a group of girls that always had all of those things.  And they were all better than me.  Or so I perceived.  Then, I went off to college and gained a little bit of self-confidence and self-esteem.  My group of friends was no longer based on what we played or how we looked, it was based on common interests or career choices.  However, I think there has always been self-esteem issues in the back of my head. They linger and cause me to worry a lot about what people think of me. 

So, when someone makes a comment that his/her life is harder than mine.  I immediately want to jump down his/her throat.  Not that I think differently or want to believe that my life is worse, but I don't want to compare.  To compare situations and emotions can lead to the judgment of character, self-esteem and self-confidence.  I don't want that.  I have learned, especially in the last couple of years, that we are all extremely different people and we handle situations that come our way the best way we know how.  We handle them based on previous experiences, where we are emotionally in our lives, and the types of support we have or reach out to.  I also truly believe that we are genetically programmed to handle situations a certain way.  And most of the time, this is different than the person sitting next to you.  So then, how can you compare? 

In my opinion, this person cannot and shouldn't.  He/She has not walked in my shoes.  And I have not walked in his/hers.  The only thing that I ask of him/her to do is to take the time to imagine what my life is like.  Walk in my shoes for just a minute before you choose to make a rash comment.  I promise you, I will think about yours.  But I will not compare. 

The other thing I will not do is wish my life on you in order for you to know what it has been like for me.  I would never wish my life on anyone else, although I do know that some people in this world have been through much more.  This is my life.  This is the life I have been given.  Some things have been in my control.  Others have not.  But I am doing my best to make the most of it.  I hope that you can make the most of yours too. 

There are days when I would like to tell this person in my life what I really feel.  How angry and hurt I am.  Obviously, this has been boiling up for awhile.  There have been events in my life that have led to this hurt, let-down feeling with this particular person, especially early on after my loss of Kennedy.  An event in which he/she never took the time to support me.  Or mention word of my baby.  He/She still hasn't.  It's like my baby never existed in his/her life.  And obviously this behavior still haunts me, but like I said before, I always continue to work on letting things go.  I guess my mission now is to try to forget that he/she made this comparison.  And to support this person the best I can despite the ache I feel that he/she doesn't know to be there for me. 

I know that this is what Kennedy would want and do.  This is the way I would teach her.  This is the way she is being taught by watching me, listening to my words and spending time with my Grams.  My Kennedy would know and understand empathy and forgiveness.  She would know how to accept others for their differences.  I will do this in her memory.  I will do this for her. 

A Wish Upon a Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

Is this really the thought process that we should be teaching our young?  That when you look out on a star and make a wish, your dreams will come true.  I feel like I have done that.  Many times even.  Yet, I sit here tonight and wonder where those dreams went.  Did they really come true?  Or am I still waiting?  Maybe the song should have had a timeline with it.  I mean, when Jiminy Cricket sang it on Pinocchio, it almost happened instantly for Pinocchio.  He wanted to be a real boy.  And he became one.  I don't really remember much time in between him wishing for that and then it happening.  Yes, there were some tumultuous activities to get there.... but still, at the end of the movie, there was a happy ending.  This happens in every movie.  A happy ending.  The goofy guy gets the girl.  The princess falls in love with the Beast who is really a prince.  The kid gets the dog.  The comeback player wins the game.  the waitress wins the lottery and starts her own business.  You name it.  It happens. 

If my life was a movie and it ended with where my life was now, what would people say?  What would the reviewers think?  Would it have to end with "To be continued...."  Kind of like Harry Potter.  The producers have yet to figure out where this story is going to go, but this one movie isn't good enough to end like this just yet.  So, let's keep the audience thinking and hope that things get better. 

That's really all I can wish for right now.  My wish on my star would be that things will turn around.  That things will get better.  Maybe I'll even be okay using the cliche, "This too shall pass."  I have to believe in something. 

I'm pretty low right now, but I'm desperately trying to stay busy.  I am dreaming.  Thinking.  Doing.  But despite all of that, I can't shake the feeling that I've hit a new depth to my grief again.  I'm crying during fireworks.  Having trouble falling asleep.  I don't want to spend time with people outside those that know all about what's going on in my life.  I don't really even want to talk about the way I'm feeling, so I come here instead.  I'm putting up a major front for all.  I want to be strong.  Resilient.  Tough.  But inside, I'm melting. 

I am still finding time for myself and doing things that I enjoy.  But my body is worn out by the end of the night if I've been with people all day long.  I haven't had the time to reflect and think about things.  And the then the night comes.  The night leads to thinking.  Maybe too much.  Sometimes I wish my brain would just shut off.  Take a break.  Let me be. 

I wonder if that should be my wish to the star instead.  The wish for my brain to just relax.  Let things be.  Patience. Wait and see how the second movie pans out.  And maybe there will even be a third?  Oooh, a trilogy....how exciting.  Exciting...hmmm...interesting choice of words.  Guess we'll just have to hang tight, have faith and believe.  

Like a bolt out of the blue

Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true