Carrying a load

"It's not the load that breaks you down,
It's the way you carry it."
~Lena Forde
(shared at The Academy Awards last night)

You know how much it breaks my heart to have to write on here that I'm not doing well. That I'm having a hard day. I know it's all a part of the process, but being the strong-willed person that I am, I hate that the one thing I want to share with the world is that my heart just hurts. It's been over 16 months since my daughter went to Heaven. My Grams continues to fight. And my marriage...well, it's at a standstill. But I hurt for me today. I hurt for what I have lost. What I have wanted. What I should have.

Sure, some of this stems from the fact that I've been sick for an entire week with some crazy virus...including an ear infection and a cough that can be heard throughout my apartment building. I have barely slept in a week. I have tons of work to catch up on, but I have no interest in doing any of it. I would like to say that some of this sadness and frustration is also because I missed support group due to conferences last week, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just due? Maybe it's high time that I'm sad again for awhile?

Do you ever just feel like there are times in your life that you just can't give anymore? Or that you deserve a break? That's kind of what I'm feeling. Like I deserve a break. Like all the bad/sad stuff that continues to happen should just be put on hiatus for little while in order for me to just breathe....and be okay. And I know there's some saying that "God only gives us as much as we can handle" (or something like it), but it just seems to be a lot. Too much. I think He's given me too much. Because I'm having a really hard time carrying this all around with me right now. And if there's another way that I should be carrying it...then please let me know.

This is one of those days where I really miss my life. I miss the life before. I wonder what going back 2+ years would show me. I wonder if I could have fixed something or made it better. No, of course I don't regret Kennedy. I would never regret her or what she brought to my life then or now. It's a different regret. It probably deals more with my marriage than with my baby. But when I think back 2+ years....I just wonder. I see pictures of me then. I don't even know who that girl is. Or what she felt or wanted out of life. Isn't that crazy? I can't even remember. She looks happy. Isn't it funny how much appearance can play tricks on our minds?

I sit here at 29 years old. I feel old beyond my years. I have aged so much in 2 years...not physically, but definitely emotionally. I know it's because I carry a burden with me. A burden to find something to fill the void that has been left in my heart. A void that can only be filled by true love and happiness. If Kennedy was here with me physically, she would fill most of that void. But because she's not, there's a gaping hole. Sure, I've had truly happy moments. I have felt love. But it's still not enough to overcome what I feel. I'm still looking for that...and maybe that's part of the load I am carrying. This load that is wearing me down. Maybe happiness and love are not where I'm looking? Maybe I'm looking too hard? Or maybe it's just not time yet? Who knows? It all seems pretty much out of my control at this point.

You know that point in the Wizard of Oz where the Mayor tells Dorothy to just follow the yellow brick road? And she keeps questioning it? That's me to a "T". I am Dorothy. I want to know why this all has been placed on me. Why I am here. I need answers. But maybe my answers come from the people who are on this journey with me now? Maybe all of you and others that have come into my life are the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Man. Helping me carry my basket (load). I feel that. And I know you are all here for me. Thank you.

Wow, this post is all over the place. I apologize for that. Guess there's just a lot on my mind. Too much. Wish there was a way I could just let my mind rest sometimes. I know that it would ease my soul a little.

Dear Kennedy Kate,

Mommy really hasn't written to you for awhile, even though you know you are always on my mind. I miss you, sweet girl. I miss what my life would be like had you been here. I miss what you should be doing. I miss taking care of you. I miss your love. I feel like I carry a burden, Kennedy. A burden to find the kind of love that you gave me. I want so much to be a good mother to you, but I want so much to be a mother to a baby here on Earth. I ache for that opportunity. I ache for the chance to hold a baby in my arms and call him/her mine. I missed that chance with you. I'm sorry for that. I will never forgive myself for not holding you. For not doing things different. In so many ways, I have very little proof that you were even here. That tears me up inside. The thought that people never even knew. Or will never know. I won't let that happen. Mommy is working on things. She's making sure you are always remembered. Please continue to hold out that light for me, Kennedy. There are times, like today, where it seems dim or flickering, but I know it's there. I know you are my little light and you are helping me carry this load. Thank you, KK.

Love to you always,
Mommy

Memorial Walk Help?

I have been meaning to do this for awhile, but since there never seems to be a dull moment in my life to just sit down and be, I have found very little time just to think about what my ultimate goal is when it comes to remembering Kennedy for many years to come. After participating in a walk in November (which I still haven't put pictures up or written about), I'm thinking my goal is to do something like that starting this October on the 15th...The National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

But I have no idea where to even start....so many of you have done such amazing things...and headed up memorial services and walks in the past, so I'm begging you to help out with advice, suggestions, ideas, etc. I realize that it may have to start slow and may take a great deal of time, energy and money, but it's something I want to do. It's especially meaningful to me since it will always be right around Kennedy's heaven date.

So, my lovely friends, please....let me know what I should do. Be my guidance. Lead me on this part of my journey. Share your stories with me. Please feel free to leave messages on this post or email me at: azaleakate@gmail.com. Thank you. ((Hugs))

Celebrating small miracles--Kennedy's Cat

The remarkable Franchesca came up with this beautiful idea to have a blog hop each month. Every month on the 19th we will celebrate hope. The promises, things, people, places, memories, signs, anything that brings us hope. Link up with Franchesca here or below to take part in this wonderful event.

My small miracle comes in the form of a cat. Yes, as most of you know, I celebrate and remember Kennedy with butterflies, but I will share about the power of them some other time. As I thought about what I wanted to write about today, I realized that I hadn't yet shared Kennedy's Cat story yet in blog land. And as I remembered sitting in group last month, one of my fellow support group sisters mentioned how she never forgets the story of the cat at the memorial park where Kennedy is buried.

Right about the time that Kennedy's marker was made, I would visit pretty regularly...maybe once a week at the minimum. At that point, I found the most peace when I was able to go there and talk to her. So, I would pretty much end up there at any point of the day or night. One night, pretty late, I realized how important it was for me to go visit her right at that second. At about 8:30 on a school night, I traveled to Madison to talk to my little girl. I remember how I cried most of the trip just deep in my grief at that point and missing my baby something terrible.

When I arrived to Roselawn at that time of night, it was very dark. But I always know exactly where to go, and never even really feel scared while I am there. I find so much comfort in being near the resting place of my baby. And it's always so peaceful there. Except for this night... This night started off different right away. When I got near Kennedy's marker, I noticed a cat near the back end of the park. Although, I am a "cat person," I'm not entirely comfortable with an unknown/stray cat. So, I kept a watchful eye on this cat as I started to talk to my little girl.

Almost immediately as I talked to Kennedy, the cat started to move closer to me. As it moved closer, I would step away or just head to another part of "Baby Land." But as I watched this cat a little more it seemed to have such an interesting pattern to the way it was running around or playing. The cat would run to one area of Baby Land and then quickly moved to another. It didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason behind what it was doing. It just quickly kept running around, and the more I watched it, I started to think about what this cat could possibly be running from. Maybe this cat had some powers that I know we all wish we had. The power of seeing our babies. Maybe this cat was running around with the spirit of Kennedy and Kennedy's friends who are laid to rest at that park.

The more I thought about that, the more it brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips. Here was a moment where I possibly was watching my little girl play. Here was a sign that my little girl was having fun. Smiling, giggling, running/crawling. Enjoying her life. What an amazing gift to be there at that second. To see a sign that Kennedy was "ok."

As the cat continued to run around, I realized how late it was getting and I had yet to really have a mother-daughter talk with my baby, so I looked up to the sky and said, "Kennedy, I know you must be having lots of fun right now, but if your mommy is to stay and talk to you, this cat will have to go away for a bit." Within 30 seconds of saying that, the cat ran to the end of Baby Land (about as far away from Kennedy's marker as is possible) and sat down. Wow, talk about power. Talk about a sign from Heaven that now my daughter wanted to talk and listen to me. After that, I talked to my baby girl for awhile and then headed to my car. The cat stayed put until I got into my car and shut the door. I then saw the cat quietly head to the back of Baby Land (near Kennedy's marker), and maybe head home for the night. I'm not really sure what happened to it. Although, I have seen one other sighting of it or another cat since.

Heading home that night, I know that I had a smile on my face as I thought about what I had seen that night. I had seen a gift. I had been given a gift of hope. At that point, I needed signs to know my baby girl was ok. I needed signs to know that despite the fact she wasn't with me, that she was being taken care of. That night, I was able to see all of that. And although, I still worry and question how she is doing, I have a good feeling that Kennedy is holding her own. Like her momma, she' s a strong-willed little girl. She's fighting the fight to find her happiness while we are apart. And that night, her happiness was chasing after a cat. Something she would have done with my cat, Lucy, at about this time in her life. Seems so simple...and, maybe, far-fetched, but it's what I saw and want to believe. I know Kennedy was there that night...maybe more in a physical sense than she ever has been before. And I thank the powers that be that sent her to me that night...and all the nights of my life.

Finally....the winners!!

A week late....and a dollar short...is that what the saying says? Anyways, I feel terrible that it's taken me so long to announce the winners of my 100+ followers giveaway that I now sit at 109 followers. Thank you again for everyone who participated and for all of you to continue to follow and support my journey without Kennedy. Hugs to you.

The winners as selected by Random.org are Raquel and Mattie. Congratulations, ladies! :) Both of you will receive a copy of Knocked Up, Knocked Down unless you have changed your mind. Winners, when you see this post, please send me your contact information at azaleakate@gmail.com.

A letdown...

Hello my dear blogging friends,

It's been awhile...and again, I know that I owe some giveaway prizes, so the winners will be announced either tonight still or tomorrow. But I had to write tonight because there's been a lot on my mind, and I finally have some time to get it all out. As most of you know, I have been dealing with the illness of my grandmother. Well, the illness has been deemed terminal, and as of last week, my "Grams", has gone to live at my aunt's house with the intention that she will never go home again. The doctors said they could do no more for her, and it's up to her family and Hospice to care for her needs whatever they may be. The objective now is to make her life bearable...and pain free....and enjoyable the best we can. As many of you probably know, this is a very difficult task for anyone. My Grams is an extremely independent and strong-willed person. This is not the kind of life she wants for herself, nor does she want this for any of the people she loves most in the world. She hates the idea of being a burden. See, my Grams tells her family that she is scared. But what most of my family members don't understand is that my Grams is most scared of leaving behind a "mess" or bringing sadness to her family. She loves us all so much....just as we all love our children. She hates the idea of bringing pain to any of us. Yet she realizes that her leaving will bring us pain, even if only for a little while. So, she is scared for us. She's not scared for herself. My Grams knows where she will go next and with whom she will be with. My Grams will go to Heaven. She will be with her parents, her nephew, her baby brother, her very own babies, and my sweet Kennedy. She sees all the positives of what Heaven will be like for her. But yet....right now, that's not where she is. Right now, my Grams suffers. My Grams is in pain. My Grams is sad. And there is so little I can do for her.

This leads into the next part of my post....the letdown. As I sat by her bedside on Thursday, I told my Grams how much I love her. I told her how much I am like her. And my Grams looked at me and said, "Oh, Alissa, I wish I was more like you. " Here she was again, putting me first. She had looked at me with tears in her eyes...and constant pain...and put me on that pedestal. And all I could do is thank her and squeeze her hand. I can't do anything more. I can only be there....and do what I can to make this situation easier. But it's not easy....and there's such a feeling of letdown. Because as I watch my Grams potentially dying, I know that she never had the opportunity to hold her great-granddaughter on Earth. We'll never have the chance to have a 4 generations picture. Or spend holidays together.

When I lost Kennedy, I lost all of those opportunities. I wanted so much to give my "6" grandparents a great-grandchild that they could spend time with....love....watch grow up for as long as they were around. They all wanted that too. Because Kennedy didn't make it....and now for other reasons...they may never have that chance. It's a terrible feeling. All I could think about on Thursday is how much joy Kennedy would have brought to my Grams as she laid in bed that day. Kennedy may have been walking...babbling....etc. I can imagine her smiling and touching my Grams hand. Maybe even Grams would hold her hand. And I know....and hope to know that Grams and Kennedy will be together sooner than I will ever be with my little girl. But in times like Thursday...and in the days ahead...there is nothing I can give my Grams that could top anything that my daughter could have given her. I know that, which makes it extremely hard to deal with the overwhelming sense of being a letdown to those I love most. I do know that there is nothing I could do about the loss of Kennedy....but it is still one of those situations that hits you where and when you hurt the most.

A sign of good things...?

Well, as of two days ago, it's good to be a sports fan in Wisconsin. More importantly, it's good to be a Green Bay Packers fan in Wisconsin. So sorry to my good friends out there who cheered for the Steelers...this post is not meant to hurt your feelings. But I just wanted to share some pictures with you all of what Packers fans are truly like....it's been 13 years since the Lombardi trophy was back home.

The main reason behind this post was to feature a story that showed people overcoming adversity. We, as BLMs, constantly overcome adversity to keep moving on throughout life after we lose our babies. Although, the Packers story doesn't even come close to many of ours....they are still a team that had to overcome a lot. I always find it amazing how just about everything I watch or listen to can relate to our situations in the babyloss community. Maybe it's a better perspective that I'm not really as alone as I think I am. Or maybe it's just me reaching out to believe that everyone can somehow relate to my situation. I don't know...but somehow, the Packers seem to relate well to me.

They started the year as pre-season favorites. I went into my pregnancy naively thinking that everything will be okay. The Packers started suffering injuries. My pregnancy never was easy. The Packers started losing. I started bleeding...which ultimately led me to know that I had lost my baby girl. The Packers struggled to find ways to win....people who could step up to the plate. I continue to struggle with the loss I suffered and am looking and leaning on people to support me. The Packers take the hardest route to the Super Bowl. As I also grieve the loss of my baby, I continue to grieve for what my life was before....including dealing with other traumatic events. The Packers win the Super Bowl. I continue to wonder when my Super Bowl will occur...when I will win or find the answers behind the adversity. But since the Packers won....maybe my answers aren't too far behind? Maybe the good things are just around the corner? I sure hope so....and I hope the same for all of you.

By the way, please continue to comment on my post 100+ followers post for a chance at the giveaway. Thanks again for your support and love.

100+ followers Giveaway

I can't believe how many days it's been since I posted about reaching 100 followers...and now I sit at 104. I promised a giveaway in honor of reaching that mark, and yet I still haven't posted anything. I am beyond apologetic for making a promise and then not following through.

So, in honor of reaching the hallowed mark of 100 and to make up for the lost time without posting a giveaway, I have decided to give away, not 1, but 2 prizes for this giveaway. After some long debate, I realized that I needed to find something to give away that was connected to what my followers mean to me. I had to figure out how to connect the stories and support of those who read my story and comment to something that has also helped me heal and grieve. After some help from a friend, I realized that one particular item that has helped me heal has been reading books by fellow babyloss mamas and/or people who have experienced loss or simply understand it better than others.

One book in particular that holds a special place in my heart is Knocked Up, Knocked Down by Monica Murphy LeMoine. In a recent post titled Somewhere to Belong, I had written about the "realness" of this writer and the connectedness I felt when reading her story. As a fellow blog writer herself, the author really knew what I needed to hear and how to make me feel less alone. She helped me have a place to belong and someone to belong with. This is what all my followers have done for me also. I know how much I hate that we are on this journey together, but honestly, there is no one I would rather be on it with. You all are so wonderful....and I am beyond blessed by you and what you have done to help me.

The 2nd option for a winner will be the book, Tear Soup, by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen. This book was lent to me from my grief counselor early on after the loss of my daughter. This book was written specifically for grief after the loss of a baby, yet the loss felt very much the same. It's written from the eyes of Grandy, an elderly woman, who has experience a loss of some kind, although you are never actually sure whom she grieves for. Yet, as you read Grandy's story, she validates grief and she validates the time essence of grief. She and the authors make you feel that it's okay to "make tear soup" for as long as you need. This is another similarity to my followers. You have all validated me. You have made me feel important and loved. You have respected the time it has taken me....and continue to support me no matter what. I am eternally grateful to you for doing that. It's been a huge help to me.

So, please, comment on this post if you are interested in winning either one of these books to help you on your journey. Knocked Up, Knocked Down will make you laugh and to cry all in the same chapter and help you realize that we do get better....and things will get easier....yet never the same. Tear Soup will help you and others appreciate your grieving time. It will make you realize that there is no time limit to what you are feeling. Either one is a good choice and have definitely been huge supports to me...and I cannot wait to share one of them with you. Please indicate which book you would prefer when commenting. Thank you again. ((hugs))

*Winners will be chosen by February 12th, 2011.*