A Letter to You

Dearest daughter of mine,

Today I am writing to you as part of the Faces of Loss "International Creativity Month."  The founder of Faces of Loss, Kristin, otherwise known to you as Stevie's mama thought it would be a great way to kick off the month of creativity by connecting with our children through our writing.  And as you know, dear Kennedy, your mama has always loved writing on her blog and writing to you, so this should be easy.  But just as life often is, it is not as easy as I would like it to be.

I struggle with what to tell you.  What is new?  Well, more than likely, you already know that.  But anyways, let's start with that.  What is new...  Well, 2012 has been interesting so far.  I celebrated the New Year with some wonderful friends of mine (many of whom you may remember).  We danced.  We ate.  We drank a little too much.  We welcomed in the new year with many hopes and dreams.  And then we all went home.  And then your mama woke up sick.  I'm starting to realize I cannot do a lot of the things I used to, Kennedy.  Especially those that I did before I was pregnant with you.  My body has definitely changed.  But I know it's not just due to the pregnancy.  Your mama is just getting older.

So, then the 2nd came around.  A day I had been really looking forward to since my Badgers were going to be in the Rose Bowl game.  But that didn't stop the stomach flu from rearing it's ugly head.  And so it came.  And so it stayed...for 5 whole days.  By the way, just as an update to Heaven, the Badgers did not win.  And the Badger basketball team has not won since last year now.  Oh, and my Blue Devils lost too.  Needless to say, it's been a "rough" week and start to the new year.

I think that is the most ironic thing, though, Kennedy.  "Rough" now relates to physical illness.  Sports teams.  That's how times have changed for me, sweet girl.  I have changed.  I am moving ahead.  I have hopes and dreams again.  Two years ago, if I would have heard someone talk about "rough" times and mention the things I have, I probably would have punched him/her (and I do apologize to anyone who reads this and wants to do that to me).  Now, I am at the point in my grief where I can say things like that (obviously knowing better...and knowing my company) but feeling like that is what is "rough" in my life right now.  Things are getting better.  Slowly.  But they are getting better.  I can see the light.  I feel warmth again.  And there are many times when I am happy.

I hope this doesn't take away anything from you.  I hope you don't think that because my life really isn't so difficult anymore that it is because I have forgotten about you.  Because, without a doubt, that is definitely not the case.  There is never a day...maybe even an hour that goes by that I don't think of you.  I still ache for you.  I still miss you and what we could have had.  But you definitely play a different role in my life than (hopefully) any of your brothers/sisters will.  You are my guiding light.  My sunshine. My purpose.  My angel.  I feel your presence around me always.  Everything I do, I feel like I do with you in mind or with your guidance.  My heart is forever connected to yours.  We are bonded more closely than anyone else in this present world has with me.  You know my deepest thoughts and wishes.  And I know you want those to come true just as much as I do.  Your hope for 2012 is just as embedded in me as if we were together still.  I know we want the same things.  I know we believe in the same things.  I love that.  I love knowing that there is this little person out there who may/may not look similar to me but thinks and dreams the same way I do.  It makes me feel less alone.  And it gives me peace knowing that one of the things we both so desperately need in our lives, you are currently receiving in Heaven. And I am often finding here on Earth. Happiness.  Be happy always, Kennedy Kate.  Smile.  Laugh.  And know...you are loved.

Thank you for letting me write this letter to you.  Thank you for reading.  Listening.  Helping me write.  I so enjoy talking to you.  And knowing you are near.  I feel your love, sweet baby girl.  And your love will always help me get through the year and all that it has to bring.  Even those "rough" moments...actually, especially those.  As always, thank you for letting me be your mother.  There is nothing in this world I cherish more.

Hugs and kisses to you, my little chickadee.
Love you to Heaven and Back again,
Mommy

Blank Pages

"We will open the book. It's pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called 'Opportunity' and it's first chapter is New Year's Day." ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

While searching for something inspirational to post on Facebook regarding the turning of the calendar, I came across this quote.  To me, this quote explained exactly what I need 2012 to be.  A clean slate.  A new book.  A fresh start.  Any of those would do for me....as long as this year allows me to put some things in my life behind me in order to move ahead.  As I had posted in Ready for a new era?, I am grateful for the gift of time.  The opportunity to keep exploring and experiencing all that this life has to offer me.  But in order to continue to grow and move ahead, I know that I have to continue to look long and hard at the things in my life that have continued to bring me hardship and unhappiness.  

One of the first steps I made towards that goal of a fresh start was the ending of my marriage to Kennedy's father.  It had been a long and very difficult journey to come to that conclusion, but there is a weight that has been lifted.  It was no longer healthy or in a place where reconciliation could occur.  And although, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I knew that it was one part of my life that I had to let go.  I cannot begin to describe to anyone the emotional toll that that particular decision has had on me, but I can tell you that it is definitely not something to take lightly.  Marriage is work.  But it's a two-person job....when one doesn't give the same effort as the other, it breaks down.  And unfortunately, the breakdown of my marriage never was fixed.  However, I know that it was something I needed to do for me and my future.  

Another step that I have taken is looking into what options I have educationally and professionally in the next year.   For most of my life since graduating college, there have been roadblocks that have prevented me from continuing my education.  Getting my master's has always been a dream and goal of mine, not only to help me be a better teacher but to allow other professional avenues to be explored should I ever choose to leave the Early Childhood world.  I often imagine being a professor at a local university or technical school.  I enjoy educating adults almost as much as I like educating little ones.  And I figure, if I am able to instill some of my values into a preschool teacher who then touches 20 students per year, that's how many more children that I am reaching.  It may sound a little self-centered, but I am proud of who I am and what I know when it comes to little kids.  I would love to reach out that much more to help others.  

I think that kind of a final step for me as I look ahead into the new year is continuing to put myself first.  This one has a lot to do with me spending time with people who support me for me and acknowledge all that has happened in my life to make me who I am today.  This has always been a very difficult perspective for me since I have always wanted to be friends with everyone.  I have always wanted everyone to love me.  Unfortunately, I think I wanted people to love the "superficial me".  The girl/woman who never wanted to share anything because if I did, I could expose things that people may not like or agree with.  I know that I continue to struggle with this today.  I hold my tongue.  I listen rather than give advice or ask questions.  I tend to ask people how they are hoping that we never have the chance to talk about my life.  I have a constant fear in me that I offend people or that people will not like me for choices I have made.  It's terrible.  It's relentless. And it's definitely something that I would love to let go.  I know that the world does not revolve around me, so why do I always worry that someone is judging me?  It's ridiculous, I know.  But I guess it's one of those "resolutions" that I will continue to work on in order to be a healthier me.  

I look forward to what 2012 will bring.  I look forward to the new opportunities that will come my way.  I have made a lot of changes in 2011 that should help make this a better year.  But some of those changes will stick me with me for awhile as there are lessons to be learned that will continue to mold me into who I am.  

The idea of blank pages intrigues me.  As I have said many times, I would have never imagined previous books and pages being filled with what they have.  However, that was the book that was written.  Some of it I had control over.  Others, I did not.  It just makes me wonder how much of what has happened in the past will effect the pages this year.  How much can I control?  And how much is completely written out already.