I am who I am because of 2010

"We Meet today
To thank Thee for the era done,
And Thee for the opening one."
~John Greenleaf Whittier

What has 2010 brought me? What can I be thankful for regarding this past year? Well, first off, I can be thankful it happened. I know that I, personally, often wonder why things happen to me....and what did I do wrong to have all of this stuff go on in my life? And when I look back on that train of thought...I often feel very selfish. I know that things have been tough....even very tough, but I know that I'm not the only one going through tough times. It's extremely obvious to me how many are out there...even out of our community....that deal with things on a daily basis that make them question whether or not to go on. Yet, they do.... Many do. They do because I think people honestly believe that there have to be better days ahead. I think there is a real power in the belief of hope. And hope can exist on very different levels. I can hope that the Wisconsin Badgers win the Rose Bowl, but I can also hope that someday I will hold my very own baby on Earth. The first one seems so simple compared to the second one. Yet, they are still "hopes." They are still wishes for the future. And they are wishes that would not exist had 2010 never happened. So, I am thankful for 2010, despite how difficult it has been. And I know that without it I wouldn't be where I am today. I know that 2010 has changed me. And as my favorite song says, "I have been changed for good."

Here is my top 10 list that has made 2010 memorable (some good, some not so good):
1. Starting my blog...meeting all of you.
2. Support groups and Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn (thank you so much to my IRL friends)
3. Duke winning the national championship and the Badgers winning the Big 10
4. Moving to Madison
5. Being offered a job...then turning it down
6. Grams in ICU on Christmas....entire family shows up to be there for her and each other.
7. Kennedy's gravestone being put in...gave me a "place" to go to talk to her.
8. Celebrating Kennedy's life and sharing her story with my friends, family and the world.
9. Trip to Chicago
10. Love and support from people that I didn't expect it from.


Goodbye 2010....thank you for the memories both good and bad that made me who I am today. This is a person I am proud to be. Hello 2011, may you surprise me (hopefully with more good) with all that you can offer. I hope the same for all of you. Many happy wishes....and a hope for wonderful days ahead.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.
Emily Dickinson

Quote to remember from Meredith Grey

Just recently I was able to do some catching up of one of my favorite dramas, "Grey's Anatomy." I'm sure that many of you probably watch it... But this year has hit a little closer to home as the residents of Seattle Grace Hospital are trying to overcome the grief and post traumatic stress disorders of the tragic killing spree that occurred at the end of the season last year. After losing many co-workers and dealing with some very devastating situations, the storyline this year has revolved around how the residents go on with their lives. As we all know, it would and should vary from character to character, and "Grey's" has done a very good job staying true to that form. Some of the residents were able to move on very quickly while others are still dealing with the ramifications 6 months or more later... One character in particular is Cristina Yang. Cristina was forced to save the life of her best friend's husband while being held at gunpoint. Her boyfriend, at the time, was also shot by the gunman while she was performing the surgery. Cristina was able to complete the surgery, have it be successful along with her boyfriend living, yet Cristina hasn't been able to overcome the grief and PTSD of the situation. **Spoiler alert**Since the shooting, she has refused to do any other surgeries and even quit her job (so sorry if I spoiled this). Cristina has been to see a grief counselor and has the support of some very loving friends. This has all been helpful to her, but she's had to make decisions in the best interest of her. She chose not to perform any more surgeries. She chose to quit her job. She chose to feel comfortable with only certain people. She chose to make other life choices. This is how a tv character is dealing with her grief....and this is the way we should all be allowed to deal with ours. The show that I just watched ended with a very poetic and thoughtful statement that I thought fit all of our situations in some way, shape or form:

"The goal of any surgery is total recovery - to come out better than you were before. Some patients heal quickly and feel immediate relief. For others the healing happens gradually, and it's not until months or even years later that you realize you don't hurt anymore. So the challenge after any surgery is to be patient. But if you can make it through the first weeks and months, if you believe that healing is possible, then you can get your life back. But that's a big if."

Not that I think what we have gone through can ever be totally recovered...but I think the things that we do for ourselves help to benefit us. They help us to heal. And some heal quicker than others....some choose not to blog. not to join support groups. not to connect with others. not to remember really at all. and they are okay with this. For the majority of us....the healing is taking time. And some days are better than others. But the idea is to be patient and know that we have time. And that if we need time, we should take it. There's no time line to grief. Just believe that time will heal...and does. There is no guarantee that you will get the life you had before back (which many of us already realize), but there will be pieces still there when you are ready. There will be things/people waiting for you. Those are the people/things that truly matter. They are the things/people you want and need in your life. It will be worth it to be with those people or do those things when you are ready. Just give it time. Cristina Yang is learning this...and we are all too. Check Grey's out sometime. It's really been a great season to do so. (By the way, I'm not at all affiliated with the show) :)

Christmas Eve Giveaway Winner

I was so honored to host a day for the 25 days of Giveaways...thank you again to Tina for all she did to set that up. What a wonderful idea for such a "trying" month.... Hugs to all of you who made it through the past holiday with flying colors. As I have busy catching up on blogs, I have seen how so many of you did what was best for you with the holidays. You found ways to honor and remember your babies but also only did what you could handle. That's what this ride is all about....finding ways to deal with the incredible loss/es we have all suffered and doing what's right for us. I have a lot to write about in the upcoming days, but this post was about the winner of my Christmas Eve giveaway....

So, congratulations goes to Comment #16: Ali. I'm so glad that you will have this necklace to remember your little Cadynce with. Hugs to you, momma. I will contact you via email soon. Thank you to all who entered....I really enjoy giveaways, so I'm thinking that by 100 followers, I may be up for doing another one. Hopefully, that comes soon.
Thank you again to Michaela....at Metal Stamped Memories....I love the work that you do. My recent purchases from you are beautiful. Always sending love to you and your family.

A Christmas wish to my sweet Kennedy....(and more)

Dear sweet Kennedy Kate,

Merry Christmas in Heaven, sweetheart. Wishing you a day full of fun and excitement up in a place where smiles are a plenty and you fill never-ending love. May you know how much you are loved down here on Earth always....and may you know that you will always be remembered. Hugs to you, my sweet baby girl. Mommy found some poems and a song that reminds me of you this Christmas.

Love you always,
Mommy

P.S. Please keep saying prayers for your Great-Grandma. She desperately needs you to watch over her today more than Mommy does. Thank you, sweetie.

P.P.S.
Dear friends,
The 25 days of giveaways was such a success for all baby loss families....I so enjoyed hosting a day and providing an opportunity to bring some hope and joy to someone this holiday season. Due to my current family situation, I would like to keep the giveaway open until Monday, the 27th. It will help give me time to plan and get everything in order for the winner. So, please feel free to enter if you haven't already. Merry Christmas, dear families and friends. Wishing you a day to find peace and joy in your hearts to last the whole year through.


Angels in Heaven

We have angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
while the world all around us says
"Be of good cheer!"

Everyone else is bustling about
We simply watch it go by,
yet we just want to shout~
Don't you know it's not merry
at this time of year,
when our lives feel so empty
and our eyes fill with tears.

We can't bear the thought of another holiday
without our precious loved one
who was taken away.
But your child's spirit does live on,
though their physical being may be gone.
Look around and you will see
their soul lives on in your memory.
You'll see your child's eyes so bright
In every twinkling Christmas light.

There are angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
And they are trying to tell us,
Don't worry we're near!
We love you and miss you,
we'll never be far...
Just look to the sky
and the bright Christmas star.

Take a special moment
throughout these blessed days
to remember me in the kindest of ways...
Give my smile to a person,
who needs it like you,
and my spirit will live on
through the things that you do.

Tammy L. Tobac 1993

'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
~ For Bereaved Parents ~

'Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,
That I knew I was facing - the holiday craze.
The stores were all filled with holiday lights,
In hopes of drawing customers by day and by night.

As others were making their holiday plans,
My heart was breaking - I couldn't understand.
I had lost my dear child a few years before,
And I knew what my holiday had in store.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,
I sprang to my feet and was looking around,
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The sight that I saw took my breath away,
And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a cluster of butterflies fluttering near.
With beauty and grace they performed a dance,
I knew in a moment this wasn't by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,
That my child was still near me and that I was loved.
The message they brought was my holiday gift,
And I cried when I saw them in spite of myself.

As I knelt closer to get a better view,
One allowed me to pet it - as if it knew -
That I needed the touch of its fragile wings,
To help me get through the holiday scene.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,
Of the message the butterflies left in my heart -
That no matter what happens or what days lie ahead,
Our children are with us - they're not really dead.

Yes, the message of the butterflies still rings in my ears,
A message of hope - a message so dear.
And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,
"To all bereaved parents - We love you tonight!"

-By Faye McCord - TCF, Jackson, MS
(the following poem is submitted in loving memory of Lane McCord (/26/65 - 9/13/98) and is dedicated to all bereaved parents)

Merry Christmas, Darling - Carpenters

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

Instrumental Interlude

Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you

(Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas - Darling)


I love you, Kennedy Kate.

Christmas Eve Giveaway

Happy Christmas Eve!! And welcome to "On KK's butterfly wings..." I'm so very honored to be a part of the 25 Days of Giveaways started by the lovely Tina. I have anxiously been awaiting my day hoping that my giveaway brings joy and peace to the lucky winner. Since losing my sweet baby girl in October of 2009, I have desperately tried to find things or ways to always keep her close to my heart. The one thing that has been easiest to do this with is jewelry. So, I have tons of it. From necklaces, bracelets and rings....it all keeps Kennedy's memory alive and with me at all times. So, I knew that for my giveaway I needed to find the perfect piece. A piece that was symbolic of this time of year...yet can last all year long. I think there is a huge piece of us that is missing this time of year and there is a hole in our hearts that were once filled by our precious babies. However, I think everyone of us know that we still carry our babies with us...everyday....in our hearts. So, with no further ado: "I carry your heart in my heart"

This necklace was created by the lovely Michaela at Metal Stamped Memories. I met Michaela this past November at the Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn run/walk. She was walking in memory of her little boy, Carter. Michaela now specializes in unique child loss jewelry and mother's birthstone necklaces. The lucky winner of this necklace can add whatever stone he/she would want along with a disc that could state babies names, dates, etc. Thank you, Michaela, for allowing me to showcase your beautiful work as we remember our babies together this holiday season.

In order to be included in this giveaway, please comment and share who you carry in your hearts this holiday season. I will do my best to have the winner posted on Christmas day. Love and hugs to you all this holiday season....may the season be gentle with your hearts.

A lesson learned at Christmas time...

After reading Jennifer's story at The Blue Sparrow, I knew that I had share a story about a five year old kindergarten student I spend some time with each week. For confidentiality's sake, let's call this little boy "Luke."

A couple of weeks ago, Luke was sitting on his carpet square in his kindergarten room while his teacher explained what they were going to do for their next project. This project was to create an ornament for their parents. As the teacher explained that only one child would make two ornaments since she lived in two separate homes, several students became confused and wanted to make two also. The teacher explained again how this ornament would be for the two parents that live in your house. As Luke raised his hand to explain his situation, Mrs. P, looked at Luke and told him that he would be making an ornament for his Mommy Jen and his Daddy since his other Mommy was in Heaven. Luke seemed to be okay with this at first until more conversations took place about other parents that were away in different cities on vacation or work conferences. This evolved into the teacher saying that their parents would be back at their house sometime and could see the ornament then. Luke then raised his hand. Mrs. P called on Luke. Luke said that he could send his ornament to his mom. Mrs. P told him that his Mommy was in Heaven..."How could an ornament get to her?" Luke answered, sounding very informative, "I can put the ornament on a balloon. Then I can drive to Illinois and send it up to her." Mrs. P looked at Luke and then at me and then back at Luke with tears in her eyes and said, "Of course you can make two ornaments."

As Luke remembered his Mommy and made her an ornament to send to Heaven that day, I realized the innocence and ever present knowledge that little kids hold. Luke's Mommy is in Heaven. And that's where he wanted to send an ornament. This made sense to him in a very senseless situation and world. As I watched Luke make his ornament, I felt a very close bond to this little boy. His innocence is what I feel most days....an innocence to do things for a baby that is no longer here. Yet, so often, because we are adults, others don't give us a "right" to be that innocent. They tell us or think to themselves that we should have moved on by now....that life must go on....which we all know it does and we do, but it should be on our own time schedules. Luke can do that...and will do that. Why can't we too?

This is why I believe children may be smarter than many adults. This five-year-old understood the meaning of remembrance and never-ending love. He understood the importance in honoring his Mommy during this very special holiday season. Thank you, Luke, for teaching a lesson to many adults that day. May they hold that lesson in their hearts always and show compassion to any person that suffers a loss.

A prayer request

My dear Baby Loss Families and Angels,

I am making a request to all of you during this very difficult time of year. As you pray for peace, support, love, baby angels, and rainbow babies, may you find some room to pray for my grandmother, "Grams" (as I affectionately call her). Two weeks ago, she fell and broke her hip and wrist. Since then, she has taken a turn for the worse and is now fighting pneumonia in ICU. After already beating cancer and dealing with emphysema, Grams is now fighting to breathe and stay comfortable. She has been a pillar of strength for me this past year as she is a Baby Loss Momma herself over fifty years ago. She lost two baby boys at different times (both at 7 months gestation). I believe that my uncles are up in heaven with all of our babies waiting for their mother to finally come Home, but I'm not ready for her to go just yet. I still really need her.... She's my rock. She's my hero. She's my inspiration to go on when things get really tough. So, please....when and if you have time, please add her to your prayer list.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to you all.

My wish to a butterfly

source

"Whisper a wish to a butterfly and it will fly up to Heaven and make it come true" . I saw this on Fran's site, Small Bird Studio, and just had to add it to Kennedy's site. I have yet to find out where or if this necklace or ornament is made somewhere, but I will be in search of finding someone who could make this for me. I'm also looking for where this quote is from. It's absolutely beautiful...and made me cry thinking about all the butterflies I saw this summer knowing that they symbolized my connection to my little butterfly in heaven.

The one wish I would send to Heaven is to hear those sweet words, "Mommy," coming from my little girl's mouth. That's it...sounds simple...but so difficult. I cannot wait until the day that I can be with my little girl again and, hopefully, hear those beautiful words that make it known to the world that I am a Mom. A Mommy to a beautiful little angel in Heaven. (sigh)

29

I never really imagined that I would ever write on a blog talking about wishes I had for my life at 29, but instead I would be fulfilling those dreams and wishes by just living my life. I have seen many blogs in the past couple of weeks in which posts have been aimed towards expectations that haven't been reached or dreams that have been crushed. As we all know, our dreams have all been crushed with the loss of our babies. However, these posts share even deeper thoughts about how we all expected more out of our lives by a certain age or a certain time. Here I am about to turn 29, and all I can think about is what have I really done in 29 years? What have I accomplished of the dreams I set out to pursue so many years ago?

By 29, I figured I would be happily married, have at least one living child, and be in the heart of a graduate school program. I figured I would be looking into buying a house or even have bought one by now. I might even be in a different job at this point in my life. But none of this is true. Not one little thing. And although I know that some good has come out of 29 years on this Earth and there are even times when I'm truly happy, it hurts to see how many dreams have vanished. It hurts to realize that there are dreams at 29 that will never happen now...or maybe not at all. That's what hurts most of all.

But don't get me wrong, as I stated before, there are times when I truly feel happy. December has opened that up for me again. I feel more joy out of just living than I have in the past 2 months. I see some lights at the end of many tunnels. My body even feels better than it did last month. This, in itself, helps me to know that there is hope for tomorrow. That the dreams that I once had for myself may not happen right now, but maybe there are new dreams still to pursue. I have even come to think that Kennedy may be showing me the light in many ways. I feel more connected to people than I ever have before. I feel more ambitious to do things for me. I tend to focus on what's truly important in life. I know that, overall, I have become a better, healthier person. These are all positives about 29. There is a new maturity to me that I may not have had if things had turned out differently. Please, don't get me wrong. I would do anything to have my daughter back with me, but because I don't, I'm trying to see what life has in store for me now. Maybe Kennedy had messages that she needed to send to me now that she couldn't had she physically been here. I don't know....just a thought.

Anyways, on Thursday, I will celebrate another year. And although I feel some sadness in realizing all that I don't have this birthday, I am coming to some realization that there are some things that I do have. And some of these things are good. I'm hoping that 29 is a good year for me. The other day, I sat at support group for infant loss and said that I couldn't wait until 2015. Everyone at support group chuckled and wondered why so far away. I will be 33 years old then. And for me, good things got to be happening by then. They just got to.