Feeling the Joy....Feeling the Pain on Christmas Day

Christmas Eve 2011...my 3rd Christmas without you.  For some reason, the thought of the 3rd Christmas finally hit me for the first time yesterday.  There I was decorating your gravestone for Christmas talking to you, and then it just hit.  Three Christmases...how is that even possible?  Where did the time go?  How could that much time have passed without me realizing it.  It seems like forever, Kennedy.  But yet, as I sat there at your gravestone yesterday, I realized why I had forgotten or why time has slipped my mind the last two Christmases.  The first Christmas without you I was in shock, numbness.  I didn't know what day it was much less Christmas.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to do much of anything.  The second Christmas was spent with your Great-Grams at the hospital.  I was consumed by fear of what was going on with her.  So, last year I was distracted.  So, this year....well, this year I felt some joy.  I decorated.  I celebrated.  I honored.  I remembered.  And it hit.  I feel it finally.  The gap.  The loss.  Christmas without you.  It is more clear to me than ever what I am missing out on.  What you should be doing this Christmas.  What I should be doing. 

The pain is intense at times, especially when I am alone.  I think of you, and I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to just be.  I hate that the feeling of loss is still so strong even this far removed.  How can one just push it all away?  When does it finally go away?  Does it ever?  Will the pain that exists each time I see a little girl the same age as you always bring tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart?  Will it, sweet girl?  And if yes...why?  Why is such a terrible question.  I know why....I know that I can answer many of these questions.  But they still come up...and sometimes I don't like my answers.  Sometimes I just want different ones.  

But despite the pain, I have felt joy, sweet girl.  I know that this is the first Christmas since losing you that I have finally felt that.  And most of that is in celebration of your life.  This year, I adopted two little two-year old girls off of the Angel Tree.  I did this last year too, but this year felt different.  I was ready to shop for them.  I was even excited.  I looked carefully and cautiously for the perfect gifts for these little girls in need.  And as I chose those outfits and toys, you were always in the back of my mind.  (On a side note, I would have chosen the sparkly jeans for you...but wasn't sure about them for someone I didn't know :))  Your life brought some light to those little girls lives this Christmas.  I want to believe that I would have done that regardless of whether you were here or not, but I cannot truly say that.  So, you were definitely the difference.  I also decorated my apartment this Christmas, and of course, little pieces of you are integrated into so many of the decorations.  Little angels, winter butterflies and pink girly decorations seem to pop up more so than ever.  :)  I was excited to participate in giveaways, create handmade ornaments and gifts.  And all of those were ways to connect with people I have met throughout the years because of you.  Kennedy, do you see what I mean?  You bring me such joy during an often difficult time.  

The pain does hurt...but the the feeling of joy is powerful.  Joy is a feeling that I have been waiting for.  It is a feeling of delight.  And delight is definitely not something that I have used very often in my vocabulary in the last three years.  But I do, Kennedy Kate.  I feel joy.  You gave that to me.  You did while I was pregnant with you.  You would have if you were here today.  And you do even while you are away in Heaven.  Your life changed me.  You have showed me joy.  Thank you, baby girl.  Merry Christmas to you in Heaven.  May you also feel joy and love there too.  Love you always.  

I took my tree down to the shore
The garland, and the silver star
To find my peace, and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart

On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang thy bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
For all my tears, for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day

The snow comes down on empty sand
There's tinsel moonlight on the waves
My soul was lost, but here I am
So this must be amazing grace

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
Beyond my tears for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day
There's still my joy for Christmas day

~There's Still My Joy~ Indigo Girls~

Congratulations goes to....

Due to the overwhelming response and interest in this particular giveaway....I decided that I couldn't have just one winner.  So, there will be four winners.  However, the first winner chosen using Random.org will be the winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  The three runners-up will be in for some surprise holiday gift.  I hope that all of these giveaways help make the holiday season a little easier on your hearts...Thank you to all for participating and for reading my story.  Happy Holidays!! <3

The winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories is....

Commenter #89: Alison said...

I visited the Metal Stamped Memories website and my favorite piece was the necklace that says "I carry your heart in my heart" with the place for your baby's name and birthstone

DECEMBER 13, 2011 2:37 PM

The 1st Runner Up is...

Commenter #27: Holly said...

LOVE the "Too beautiful for this earth" necklace. Her stuff is amazing.

matthollycart@gmail.com

DECEMBER 12, 2011 5:18 AM

The 2nd Runner Up is....

Commenter #57: Stefanie said...

Missing my baby Sam, born still at 38 weeks on May 9, 2011.

DECEMBER 12, 2011 2:17 PM

And the 3rd Runner Up is...

Commenter #4: Lori Smith said...

Your jewelry is beautiful. I am missing my sweet angel Noel Ann.She is celebrating Christmas with Jesus. Since Noel means Christmas we know her spirit is with us and everyone else during the holidays.
Lori Smith

DECEMBER 11, 2011 9:31 PM

Congrats to all!  Winners please contact me at azaleakate@gmail.com as soon as possible or leave your email addresses below.  Holly, it looks like I have yours already.  Alison, I will want to get you in touch with Michaela soon.  Again, thank you so much for participating.  ((hugs))

On the Twelfth Day of 25 Days of Giveaways....

Hello, for the first time or the 50th time, either way, welcome and thank you for visiting "On KK's Butterfly Wings" and taking part in the 25 Days of Giveaways that was started by the beautiful Tina over at "Living without Sophia and Ellie." Last year was the first Christmas that I joined in on this wonderful event, and not only did it give me joy by winning but also by providing some joy to others.  I am honored to be part of it all again...and hope that it helps someone out there remember and honor the life/lives of the beautiful baby/ies he/she is missing.  

Just a little bit about my story....this is my 3rd Christmas without my firstborn and only daughter, sweet Kennedy Kate.  Kennedy became her very own angel after only 22 weeks gestation.  However, about a month after we lost her, we found out she had passed away due to complications with Turner's Syndrome.  Kennedy had fought long and hard to be with me as long as she could, but eventually, her little heart stopped developing.  Even as I sit here today, a little over two years removed from that day when we found out she was gone, I cannot believe it happened.  However, the one thing that always gives me some peace is knowing that she has a purpose.  That her life had purpose...and not just to me, but to many others.  Kennedy's life continues to educate others about miscarriage, stillbirth, compassion, empathy and grief.  Yet her life also teaches others to never take anything for granted and rejoice in the many blessings that you have been offered.  Kennedy is currently the greatest and best gift I have ever received.  I thank God everyday for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  

Anyways, on to the giveaway.  As the title says... "On the twelfth day of 25 Days of Giveaways, I am offering you the opportunity to win a $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  This gift certificate is good towards any of the the beautiful aluminum pieces that the talented mother of Carter, Michaela, creates.  The lovely Michaela made a necklace for my giveaway last year and this year donated the gift certificate for the event.  Michaela is a lovely local Wisconsin woman who I met about a year ago at a walk called, "Miles of Hope."  After meeting her, I was able to purchase one of her necklaces that she specifically designed for that walk/run.  That necklace was one of the first pieces I bought in honor of Kennedy.  Since then, my collection of jewelry pieces has just taken off.  This includes the piece that I offered last year for the giveaway.

However, this is only one of the options that Michaela designs for mothers like me and you.  She has many more.  Here is another one of my new favorites of hers, "My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings."  There are ways that you can personalize and make it your own...Michaela is always very accommodating.  She knows and understands what it is like to go through a loss and how important it is for each of us to find ways to remember and honor our children.  

I cannot thank Michaela enough for donating such a wonderful and thoughtful gift.  I am privileged to know her and call her my friend.  I encourage every one of you to check out her shops either on her website, Etsy or Facebook.  She is absolutely amazing! :)

Okay, now on to how you can enter this incredible giveaway.  For one entry, please comment below on who you are missing this Christmas.  For a second entry, please check out and like Metal Stamped Memories Facebook page and then come back here and let me know.  For a third entry, please visit Metal Stamped Memories website  and return here to tell me your favorite piece of jewelry or keepsake.  Giveaway for Day 12 will close December 13th at 10:00 PM CST.  Winners will be announced on December 14th.  

Thank you again for visiting...sending lots of love to you all during this holiday season.  May the love of your angels always grace you with peace and joy in your hearts.  ((hugs))

Ready for a new era?

Tonight is my birthday eve...and not just any birthday eve, but this is the eve of my 30th birthday. A huge, momentous moment amoung many...I guess?! Thirty...hmmm. What does that mean? Is it really that big of a deal? Or is it just another year? And if it is a big deal, why does hitting the decades symbolize such a huge event? Why aren't other years celebrated or dreaded the same way?

The only real reason I can come up with is that we all have a fear of getting old. There was a time in our lives where we couldn't wait to be "older." At five, we couldn't wait to be an age where we could stay up later. At twelve, we couldn't wait to be teenagers. At fifteen, we couldn't wait to drive. At twenty, we awaited the day that we turned twenty-one. But then after 21, what is there? It's one of the weirdest phenomenons to me. Typically people spend only 20 years of their lives looking forward to the years ahead, but after that, there is a sense of foreboding that tends to go with the passing of time. But typically, people live well past their twenties. So, why do we spend the rest of our lives worrying, angry, afraid? Why don't most of us find ways to celebrate the time that is passing?

I think in the babyloss community, we worry a lot about time passing because it symbolizes how long we have been without our babies. We worry about who will forget the further we get away from that time. We become the voices for our children in Heaven by always emphasizing those moments or the time that has passed. We are the ones who know exactly how many years, months, minutes have passed from the time we said good-bye. So, for many of us, there have been moments in our lives when we would have preferred time to just stop. However, it didn't, and there was nothing we could do about it. Time has continued to move on, and so have we.

We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the time that has passed since we said good-bye. I know, personally, that without time I would never have been ready to set-up and organize the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day this year. I needed that time for my heart to heal and to gain the strength to reach out to other families who had been through similar situations. I needed time to be able to share my daughter and my story. I was able to do all of that with the gift of time.

So, yes, growing old can often be difficult and not fun. It can cause worry and frustration, but time can offer many opportunities. It gives all of us the chance to remember. It gives us a chance to grow. Develop. Change if we want to. Reflect. Start over. The time that has passed will always be there because the things that are most important we will never forget. Those things and events shaped us. However, to look forward allows us to take part in new adventures, new chapters, new moments.

Tonight, I am thankful for the gift of time. For the gift of another year. Another chance. A fresh outlook on all that could become of this year. I will look back on all that has happened in my 20s and fondly remember the good and bad times. And lately, it often feels like there are more bad times than good, but I had to have those times. I know that. They weren't and aren't easy, but there is a bigger story to tell. A story that continues into my 30s and beyond. So, I will celebrate being 30. And I will continue to look forward to the years, months, moments ahead.

Another good-bye...

Today I said good-bye again.  But not in the way that many think of immediately in this baby loss world.  This time the good-bye was to a marriage.  My marriage to Kennedy's daddy.  Although in many ways I feel like today was more a formality than the actual ending since we haven't been together in over a year now; however, it closes out a journey...a chapter. 

Eleven years is a long chapter, so maybe it was a couple of chapters, but nevertheless, I was forced to turn the page.  We started this process around April of this year, and today, I was told that I was officially a "non-married" person.  Wow...non-married.  It sounds almost surreal, especially when I have spent the last five as a "married" person, and even before that, felt married for most of my relationship with Kennedy's father.  

High school sweethearts.  College sweethearts.  Engaged at a parade in front of our entire hometown.  Bucky Badger attended our wedding.  Grand marshals at the Magic Kingdom parade.  Parents to a much-wanted daughter. And yet, despite all the wonderful events and opportunities that life granted us, we didn't grow together.  Life happened and it changed us.  

I really never thought something like this would happen to me...but again, I didn't think that I would lose my only daughter two years ago either.  It's just hard to imagine where life is going to take me.  I do see happy times and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet today one is of those days where the sadness has completely made the world feel very dark again.  I even caught myself crying at work today in front of two of my co-workers.  This is not something that ever happens.  I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until I find a time to cry by myself or blog about it here.  But today kind of rocked me, despite the formality of it all.  Today gave me a sense of finality.  Closure.  Maybe the tears are of relief?  Yes, definitely of sadness, but maybe the tears came because I can finally come to terms with what happened.  So, I can start to finally concentrate on me and accept who I am and where life has taken me.  It's all still very much a mystery at this point, but I'm hoping that time will lead me to the answers.  

After leaving the courthouse and driving home, I knew I needed to stop and visit my baby girl.  Kennedy will always be a part of her father and me, and she is the one connection that will always bring us back together.  I can't tell you that if Kennedy had lived her father and I would be together today, but I do believe that we would have put her first.  So, today was my day to apologize to her for what happened.  See, I know Kennedy watches over both of us, so I also know that she has seen our sadness and pain.  I can't stand that.  I don't like anyone to ever feel sorry for me or to worry about me, much less my little girl.  That is not her job, nor is it fair to her to have to see her mother upset, angry and hurt.  She's just a baby.  If she was here on Earth those are all emotions that I would hide from her.  Now, she's up in Heaven away from me, and she sees everything.  That is so hard.  I wish so much that things could have been different between her father and I.  That we could have showed her how we could be happy and in love again.  But that was not "meant to be."  We tried.  And while we tried, we hurt even more. 

So much of my life was built around my marriage and all of our hopes and dreams for the future.  And we did have some of the same dreams, but now, I am forced to follow many of them on my own.  My one hope for both of us despite the distance is that we are able to stay in touch, remember the good times, be happy and always carry the love of our daughter deep in our hearts.