Another opportunity to send out my love and appreciation

Here is another little tidbit about me that I want to share with all of you out there who read my story. I refuse to conform to society and quite often stand up for what I believe in despite any rules or regulations that have been set up. So, after receiving the lovely blog award for a second time this week by Elaine at Waves Over Stones, I took it upon myself to share the award with ten more of my favorite bloggers. By the way, unlike what I had posted in my rules of the award, I did choose some blogs that I have been reading since I started blogging. I felt it was extremely important to share an award with people who have been with me from the start. Again, I felt caught in the fact that I could only choose ten people, especially since I care about so many of you out there.

Elaine, thank you much for honoring me with the award. I feel so very touched. Please know that I think about you often and will always be here to read your story. ((HUGS))


On with the rules....

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered. (I decided to modify this to meet my needs)

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

And here are my next ten....in no particular order.
1. Dear Stevie
2. Loving My Angels
3. Harvey's World-Remember to Breathe
4. Life, Love and Pursuit of Our Fairytale
5. Searching for Ladybugs
6. My Sweet Kenny
7. MJ's Memories
8. Loving Laynee
9. Leah's Legacy
10. Living Our Love Song

Please visit these lovely blogs when you have a chance...and send them some love.

I'm so honored....

So, I'm thrilled to announce that I have been given my first blog award by the lovely Amanda from This Girl Will Never be the Same. I am so grateful to Amanda for keeping up with Kennedy's story...and her endearing comments.



Such an award is a real honor, and I really feel blessed to have Amanda and so many others in my life who support me and my journey. Thank you, Amanda, for thinking of me.

The rules according to Amanda's page are as follows:

1. accept the award. post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Here is the lovely award!!!

Here are my ten "pay it forwards." (As Amanda stated on her blog, please do not be offended. I tried to reach out to as many as I could). Please send the award on....((hugs))

1. Amazing Mikayla Grace
2. Loving Audrey
3. In Memory of Jacob
4. Carried Through Grief
5. Big Love, Big Acceptance-or so I say
6. Little Bird
7. Sami's Blog
8. The Avery Diaries
9. Missing Olivia
10. Footprints on Our Hearts

Please visit these amazing ladies and read their stories... they are truly inspiring.

:)

Being an Early Childhood teacher definitely has its benefits....and here's one that I thought I would share with you....

Last week, I went to visit one of my old friends from Early Childhood that I had case managed for two years. I had received a call that he was having a couple tough days, so I thought I would drop in on him.

Once arriving into the classroom where the kindergartners were busy with their math buckets, one little guy (whom I didn't know) looks at me and says,
"Whoa, you're pretty!"
My reply, "Thank you," and then precede to talk to my former student.
Little guy again, "Are you his grandmother?"
My reply...while laughing, "No, I was his preschool teacher."
Little guy seems satisfied with this answer. About two minutes later, he looks at me again and says, "My mom taught me to say pretty instead of hot."

Oh, the joys of being a teacher... This made me smile that day and again tonight after a "rollercoaster" kind of day. Hope it made you smile too!! ((hugs to all of you))

Time flies...

Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year.... What did I do this year that was memorable? Or that will stand out for me? Oh, yes..I remember. My baby died. I had to schedule her to be cremated. And then buried. And then choose a stone that symbolized who she was and what she will always be to me. I had to figure out how to endure life without her with me. I had to realize that I would never hold her in this living world and find a way to be "okay" with that. I had to realize who I was without her....and what my "new normal" was.

This is the year where I have had to make decisions and choices that will effect who I am for the rest of my life. Yet, there is so much about this year that I don't remember. There is so much that has happened that has very little meaning on who I am and where I am today. I can remember everything about the five months I carried Kennedy....from the first time I saw her on the ultrasound....the first time I heard her heartbeat....the first time I felt her move...the first things I bought for her....the things I wore....the things I did....the last time I heard her heartbeat....the day I found out that she was no longer living....the week that I carried her knowing she was already gone...the day she was taken from me....what I did the days after that....etc. The list goes on because the memories are so fresh and play such a pivotal role in what has happened to me this year.

But I have come to realize that there is little else that I remember about this year. There is little that I have actually "lived" to remember. I had this realization this past week when I ran into situations where I couldn't remember events, people or things from this past year. It led me to have a discussion about it with my grief counselor. She gave me a very clear perspective on how much grief truly takes over who you are...even without being consumed by it. She feels that I was the type of person pre-Kennedy who lived life to it's fullest....really experiencing everything I did. This is why I have such a good memory...because I work so hard on doing things and experiencing life for all it's worth. I want to remember things....I want to hold onto everything I have done that has shaped who I am today. This is the way I also lived my life when I was pregnant with Kennedy. Although, I wasn't really "ready" to be pregnant because I had no idea of how hard it would be, I learned to accept and embrace it for all it was worth. I took the bad times of sickness and hard times of pregnancy knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. I watched my belly grow with anticipation of the day my little girl would come into my life. I lived for her during those five months....and I lived for the future we would share together.

This all changed after October. I no longer lived for each day....I lived to get through each day. I lived for the hope that things would get better. I lived to honor my daughter by sharing her story with people I loved and those that I barely even knew. I still live my life for my little girl....it's just different than it was a year ago.

So, I have come to realize that despite the fact that there are things that I used to value and remember like who played and won the World Series, when certain movies came out, etc., that I have new values that will play a role in what I want to remember. I have been in a haze for a year....and in some ways...I am still in that haze.....and may be in it for a long time. I can't stress myself out trying to remember things that no longer have the same meaning to me. I have to treasure the memories that I do have and realize that I have those memories for a certain reason. I hate that I can't remember what has happened most of this year..... it bothers me. But there has to be a reason for it....and there is...it's called grief. My mind and heart have decided for me what's important and why. Maybe it's protecting me...maybe it's preserving the memories I do have. If it's for any of those reasons, then I'm grateful. Sure, the memories are painful...especially now. But I never want to forget.

I willingly surrender the last year starting in November 2009 to November 2010. I will remember the important things that I did to honor and remember my daughter. I will remember what I did to take care of myself. I will remember the people that reached out showing me their love and support. I will remember what's important....and those are the best memories to cherish anyways.

And they keep coming...

Memories....triggers...sad feelings. They are everywhere and anywhere. They are all around me. I can't seem to avoid them or make them stop. I'm so sick of sadness. I'm so worn out with feeling depressed, and I want so badly to wake up from this awful nightmare. I despise that I'm consumed with anger and sadness. I want so much to just be me again.... But I never will be. I have to realize this. It's almost been a year and nothing has changed. Kennedy isn't with me. She isn't growing up...crawling...babbling....cooing. She isn't doing any of the things down here on Earth that most children do. Nope, my baby is up in Heaven. Away from me. Away from the one person who loved her more than anything else in the entire world. How is this fair? I just don't get it... I still don't get it.

And the triggers have just been endless the last couple of weeks. School started. Last year at this time, I was four months pregnant with my little girl. I wore clothes where my baby belly was just starting to show. I wasn't yet wearing anything maternity, so all my clothes that I'm starting to wear now for school reminds me of that time. Everything I pick out reminds me of what I looked like when I wore it last year. It's terrible. I didn't think it would bother me that much, but it hurts. Every morning, I put my clothes on and cry for what I was and what I have lost.

Labor Day weekend was a time when I shared the exciting news with my family from Texas. I can remember exactly what I was wearing...how excited my aunt, grandparents, and cousins were...etc. I then remember walking around Madison, doing the Taste of Madison and watching the Badger game. Later that night, I unfortunately got sick...big surprise, but I remember the feeling. The overwhelming sensation knowing that I was pregnant with Kennedy. I would go back there in an instant. I would do it all over again. Everything!!! Even the constant sickness...

I keep hoping that all of this anticipation of the year mark is truly worse than the actual day will be, but each day is getting harder. I can feel myself being more emotional. I'm getting hit harder by constant memories and triggers that send me into a tailspin of emotions. Emotions that I'm sick of feeling. Blogging, support groups, my grief counselor and a handful of people are all I have right now to get through this... I feel supported, yet so lonely all at the same time. I miss my baby...I miss what I should have had.