Remembering the final good-bye

Dear beautiful daughter of mine,

Mommy just wanted to send a little note to you letting you know how much I am still thinking of you this week and especially, today. Today, Kennedy, was the last time I was able to say good-bye to you with you physically still with me. I can remember exactly the way it felt and the way I looked when doing it. I had been told by the nurses that I needed to start getting ready for surgery. So, I went into the bathroom at the hospital to change into the gown that they had given me. As I got undressed, I remember looking in the mirror for the final time while having you in my tummy, put my right hand on my tummy, and said "Goodbye, my little angel. I will miss you." After that, I couldn't look in the mirror the rest of the day because I knew nothing would ever be the same again. You would never be with me on Earth in a physical matter.

When it was time for my surgery, I was taken in the bed through the OB section of the hospital. I remember how they took me right by the babies. Although, they tried to do it in the fastest manner, it was one of the things that I will remember most. I knew that you would never be in that window, Kennedy. I knew that my baby would never have the chance to be "oohed" and "ahhed" at or asked whose beautiful baby that was. I'm sorry you didn't have that, sweetie. Then, the surgery came, and before I went under, I guess I asked the doctor to do another ultrasound to make sure that you were gone. I have no recollection of this, Kennedy, but it must have been on my mind enough to really want to make sure before they took you away from me. I also made sure that once the procedure was over, that I wouldn't have to actually see the ultrasound they would do to make sure you were completely gone. I couldn't bear to see that empty screen without my little chickadee in it. Today, I still have haunting memories of what that will look like.

After the surgery, I remember a strange sense of relief. I wasn't in so much physical pain anymore...but the pain was different. It was an ache for you. But the pain was more in my heart than in my back, tummy and legs. It's the same pain I still feel for you today a whole year later. I ache to hold you, kiss you, and be with you. I ache to be your mommy here on Earth. I think I will always feel that, Kennedy. No matter what...until the day that we are with each other again.

Oh, Kennedy, how I miss you and wish that things could have been different. How I wish that you were here with me today celebrating the birth of your "cousin," George and getting ready to go out trick-or-treating with your Grandma Gigi. You would have been the cutest baby in your costume (although I have no idea what you would have been). I continue to see baby Dorothy costumes and shoes, so we may have gone that route this year. I know that I really have no idea how you would have been on Earth...if you would have been sick, hurting, in the hospital, etc., but I know how much I just wish you were here. Granted, I wouldn't want you to be suffering, so I pray that you are well up in Heaven...and happy. I know that we will be together again someday, but right now, that just doesn't seem soon enough.

Please have fun with your angel friends up in Heaven...there are way too many of you up there, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I am glad that you have friends and people that love you. Hugs and kisses to you, my baby girl. Happy Halloween, in case I don't write again!!

Love you always,
Mommy

A birthday celebration sent to Heaven

October 22nd, 2010 turned out to be a beautiful day in Madison, Wisconsin. The angels must have been looking down on us and smiling knowing that Kennedy's mom, dad and grandparents wanted a special day to honor their little girl in Heaven. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect day to honor and remember our sweet little butterfly. The only thing that could have made it better is if she would have physically been there with us, but we are learning to accept that Kennedy was needed in another place. We all look forward to the day when we can be with her again. Happy heavenly birthday, Kennedy Kate. Hugs and kisses to you always.

Here are many of the pictures of the birthday celebration for Kennedy.
It really turned out beautiful.

Kennedy's Grandma Gigi had made an early stop at the memorial park to leave some special things for her that day. Kennedy even has her own little cupcake at her headstone where we can leave special notes for her now.

Kennedy Kate, We Love You Forever!

Kennedy's daddy writing her a letter on her heavenly birthday.

Kennedy's Grandma Gigi making sure her balloons are tied on tight to her
new butterfly stand.

Mommy writing Kennedy a letter now.

Mommy's letter to her baby in Heaven.

Kennedy's mommy and daddy making sure the letters are tied tightly to the balloons. Making sure they will make it all the way to Heaven.

A couple last photos before the balloons are sent up to Kennedy.

Making sure we get far enough away from the trees to safely let the balloons go...

Happy Heavenly Birthday, little Kennedy Kate. Here are some balloons sent up to you for your birthday celebration in Heaven.

The balloons almost didn't make it there...

There they go...Love you, baby girl.

"Kennedy's Korner" (still a work in progress)

A beautiful picture that one of Mommy's friends from support group made for her. Thank you, Oliver's mommy.

Kennedy's candle from Audrey's mommy, Michelle. It is so beautiful.

Some of the butterfly cupcakes that Mommy made....
Grandma Gigi and Daddy helped decorate.

Look at all of the wonderful cards from people that remembered Kennedy's
heavenly birthday. Thank you so much!

Kennedy's special chest full of mementos and cards from Kennedy's life.

Grandma Gigi and Grandpa Jon found this beautiful quilt for me for Kennedy's heavenly birthday. It's absolutely perfect.

Winner of Kennedy's Giveaway

And the winner for Kennedy's heavenly birthday giveaway is commenter #4: Brandy, Joseph's mother. So happy for her and honored that she will have a figurine in her home in honor of her little one and Kennedy. Congratulations, Brandy! I will be in touch via email to give you all additional details. Hugs to you, mama. Thank you to all participants of the giveaway. I was so touched by your comments of love.

To Kennedy, on your 1st heavenly birthday

Happy Heavenly birthday, Kennedy Kate. Wishing you butterfly kisses and great big bear hugs as you celebrate your life up in Heaven. Mommy misses you today and always. A celebration of your life is planned....and many thoughts of you will be sent up to Heaven today. You are loved, my little chickadee, and remembered. Your life changed mine and so many others. It changed it for the better, Kennedy, although that may be hard to believe. I know what love is, Kennedy. You showed me that better than anyone else could. I loved you with all of my heart...and today, that's why I wear my heart on my sleeve. Part of my heart will always be with you. It will never truly be whole again until we meet again. I will live my life for you, my little girl. And I will make it a good one. Thank you for blessing me with your presence. Thank you for being my first little girl.

Love and hugs,
Mommy

Mother's Song

I've lost my baby daughter
Though not misplaced.
I feel she's somewhere
Bound by neither time nor space.
Perhaps she sits before the Throne
With radiant face.
She could be dancing happily
Like little girls do
With golden taps beneath
Each precious little shoe.
I know she must love music,
So I'm sure it's true.
I'm grateful that in Heaven
She is healthy and strong
And that she's lulled to sleep each night
By Heaven's song,
But I wish I could hold her;
Is that terribly wrong?
I sang so often to her
While she was with me
And I will go on listening
For her harmony.
How sweet to know
I'll hear it In eternity.

-Lisa L. Easterling

P.S. Please continue to post on Kennedy's giveaway if you're interested before the end of the day today.

A giveaway in honor of Kennedy's heavenly birthday

In honor of Kennedy Kate's first heavenly birthday, I'm offering a giveaway to all of you wonderful baby loss mothers out there who have supported me throughout my journey of loss this past year. I could not have done this without you...and I'm so glad that I took the leap and wrote a blog. It's been extremely helpful....I feel supported....and loved. Please comment on this post if you would like to be included in the giveaway and spread the word to others if you think they would be interested.

As most of you know, I remember Kennedy by wearing and collecting things with butterflies. Each day, I make sure I have something butterfly on to symbolize the life of my little girl. She is always present in my heart...but by wearing butterflies, it makes her feel more present in a physical sense. Then, if people want to ask about the butterflies, I tell them about why I wear them which typically leads to a talk about my daughter. So, for Kennedy's giveaway, I felt it necessary to find something that had a butterfly with or on it. I came up with this specific figurine made by D. Antonia Truesdale at The Midnight Orange after Jessica from Too Beautiful For Earth sent me a touching card and postcard. It hit very close to home as it is very symbolic to the way I feel about my little girl. She is, and always will be, my beautiful butterfly. After writing an email to D. Antonia about Kennedy and her first angelversary, I knew that this was the perfect giveaway gift. The winner will have the opportunity to make choices on colors of wings, people, etc. So, please comment by the end of Friday, October 22nd (Kennedy's heaven date)...I look forward to giving this beautiful sculpture to someone who will appreciate it and hold it dear to their heart.

*As a side note, any of you BLMs that have unfortunately experienced more than one loss, I will be able to order a sculpture similar to this with up to as many babies as need to be added. I don't want to exclude anyone from this giveaway.*

*The winner will be notified via blog this weekend. Hugs to you all*

I will remember....for always

Another day has passed this week....and I'm another day closer to Kennedy's heavenly birthday. But as I get closer to her "heaven date," I deal with the repercussions of everything I went through to get to that point. After a nice dinner and coffee with a fellow BLM, Mikayla's mom, I realize more and more how much I'm dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Due to the situation I went through losing Kennedy and the decisions that had to be made, I continue to have triggers which bring me right back to the moments that occurred last year. The triggers are so bad that I sit and panic with anticipation. I'm just on edge for the possibility that some trigger could potentially send me into a tailspin of emotions. This is true PTSD. For example, with the spotting that occurred last year at this time, I've almost willed myself to start spotting again. I just sit each and everyday waiting for AF to come. Not that I do or don't want it to come, but I realize how much it could affect me emotionally....but for the last two days, I have had "once and awhile" spotting.

And then there's the pain....the pain was so terrible last year. On Wednesday, I could barely even walk, yet I believed the pain to be due to ligament stretching, which I had been told several times by doctors. I just ached. But I really had no clue that anything awful was happening because I was in denial too. I had no clue that something really could be happening to my baby. I didn't believe that anything could anymore. I was too far along. I mean, I was going to find out what my baby was in a few days. Anyways, I'm not actually feeling the pain this year, but due to the stress of remembering, I have basically forced an illness upon myself. Yes, that's right. I'm sick. More than likely, it's just a virus. But I'm a true believer in mind over body, and this point, I know that my mind has won. My mind has won because it has given in to the emotional pain that I'm dealing with. My mind has said, "I'm done." "You need to be done too." My mind needs to rest...

Yet, as I get closer to Friday...I know my mind won't rest easy. Each night has become more difficult to get good sleep, and the memories are becoming more vivid as the days get closer. I'm being careful with myself, but there's only so much you can do. I would love to just hide...but I don't want to do that either. I really want to embrace what Kennedy meant to me and celebrate the short time I had with her. I'm hoping that Friday will give me some of that peace, but until then....I have to keep on breathing and looking forward. Thank you to all of you for your sweet thoughts and comments. They keep me going...and I know I couldn't get through any of this without all of you. Hugs to you...and keep the prayers coming.

Sending hugs and kisses up to you, my little chickadee. Can hardly believe where the time has gone since it feels like it was just yesterday. Miss and love you, Kennedy Kate. Mommy is hoping for blue skies on Friday for your special day. We'll make it a good one, sweet girl, just like you deserve. Mommy will always remember, Kennedy, for always.

I waited...

Today is Sunday, October 17th. On Sunday a year ago, I started spotting. That was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Kennedy. The spotting was a sign that things weren't going right for me or for my baby. But did I do anything about the spotting? No...I didn't because I had been told throughout my entire pregnancy that things were going okay. I had been told that my baby was growing and thriving. I was over 21 weeks along...nothing could go wrong anymore. I was finally gaining weight and feeling her move. We heard her heartbeat only a week before. Nothing could be wrong. So, on Sunday a year ago, I waited and watched. I waited to see if the spotting would go away. I waited to see or contact a doctor. I waited to tell anyone what was going on. And while I waited, my baby girl was dying or already gone. Why I waited the way I did....I will never truly know. It was a choice that I made at that point...a choice that still haunts me today. Would anything be different? I don't know... Probably not. But it still hurts.

So, that was Sunday. And the week went on...til Thursday. And this week will go on too...and I will wait. I will wait to feel the memories. I will wait to see how I handle it all. I will wait for people to remember.

Days 12-15

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

This day's idea made me laugh out loud because I really don't think I'm too OCD about anything; however, when you really have to sit down and think about it, we all have some little quirks that bother us to no end. So, here are my biggest things that "bother" me the most:

1) Having to have a clean mirror in the bathroom.
2) People who sit on the same side of a booth when there are only two people present at the table. (Sorry if any of you do this...I'm sure it's very intimate....but it looks so silly to me).



Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert, Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Bills
A modern day fable told about a lady who suffers a terrible loss and how she handles her grief by making tear soup.
-Loved the simplicity of the book. It wasn't directly connected to the loss of a baby, but the concept that grief is never-ending is still the same. It taught me to be careful with myself and take it one day at a time. It made it "okay" to make tear soup whenever I felt it was necessary.

Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

Life Touches Life by Lorraine Ash, Christiane Northrup.
In this moving account the authors discusses the inner changes she faced after the stillbirth of her daughter, delves into spiritual questions that shook her soul, and examines the connection between mother and child that transcends separation and death.
-Related well to Lorraine's story and the pain she felt after she lost her daughter. Ash never went on to have any other children, which was hard to read about since I would like to have more children someday, but she found some peace in her life and a way to remember what her daughter meant to who she is today.

Day 15 - what you like about your house.

Since I just recently moved into a different apartment, I'm still in the process of putting things up and making it feel like home. However, in this place, I'm going to have a place to honor and remember my little girl. It's called, "Kennedy's Korner." I'd love to take a picture of it, but it's just not ready yet. Kennedy's Korner will be an area of my apartment where she is remembered and honored for who she is and what she symbolizes in my life. Obviously, my candle that Audrey's momma made me will be there, along with many butterfly items and some of the pictures I have received with Kennedy's name from all of my wonderful BLMs. I also had a very close friend who drew a picture of a chickadee and butterfly with Kennedy's initials in the wings that he gave me for Mother's Day. I feel so blessed to have people in my life who continue to remember my little girl and how much she means to me. I vow to never forget, Kennedy. And Kennedy's Korner will always be present some place in my home and in my heart.

Day 11

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This one was taken at the end of August...right before work started for the 2010-2011 school year. It makes me laugh because I was supposed to act amazed as the plastic model elephant was molded together right in front of my eyes. It was unbelievable!! Seeing this picture reminds me that despite how difficult this year has been, I did have some really good, happy moments this year that proves that I did smile and go on living life.

Today

Today I remembered you, Kennedy, and all of your little angel friends up in Heaven.
Today, I thought about you with pride that you are my first little girl.
Today, I remembered the five months that I was blessed to have you with me.
Today, I smiled.
Today, I walked around wearing a ribbon on my shirt symbolizing what today meant for me and all other baby loss families.
Today, I held my head up high waiting for someone to ask me how I was or mention the ribbon on my shirt.
Today, I wanted to say your name.
Today, I wanted someone else to remember.
Today, I visited your gravesite and talked to you.
Today, I brought flowers to you in the colors of the season.
Today, I was upset that I didn't get to talk to you in person.
Today, I lit a candle in honor of you.
Today, I watched a movie about a baby and thought of you the entire time.
Today, I wished that I could hear you call me, "Mama."
Today, I cried.
Today, I thought of other baby loss families and hoped they felt love and peace.
Today was a day of remembrance.
Today was a day I wish didn't exist but am glad it does.
Today, I want you to know that I love you and will never forget.

Day 10--still behind

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.


I could only find a picture of me from about 6 years ago. Nothing else is that old on my computer, and I'm already so behind. But when I look at this picture, I see a "girl". Not a woman. I don't see someone who had experienced life yet. I see someone who is naive. A carefree person who wanted everyone to love her. A person who knew very little about sad times or hardships. A person who thought she knew what she wanted out of life. A person who has her whole life ahead of her.... Look at her. She's happy. Life must have been pretty good then. Wonder if that girl will ever feel that kind of happiness again?!

A reason to celebrate October

Despite all the drama he creates and any negative press that may come out about him, I am an avid Brett Favre supporter. I am a huge sports fan...and mostly of Wisconsin sports, so for 17 years, I sat in front of the television each Sunday or Monday anxiously awaiting to see what my favorite athlete of all time would do for the Green Bay Packers. And despite the fact that I love the Packers, I have had to learn to cheer for other teams when Brett decided to move onto different endeavors. But here's the kicker and biggest reason why I stick with him...even with all of the records for most touchdowns or games played, there is one thing I love most about him...his love of life and the game he was born to play. I admire that each game he comes out and plays it as if it's his last. He loves what he does and he puts his heart and soul into it. Sure, he doesn't make the smartest of decisions all the time, but who does? When you choose to follow your heart, sometimes logic doesn't play a role. I admire that about him, and I always will. So, this post is in honor of someone I can celebrate during my hardest month of the year. In the midst of my sorrow, I have found reasons to smile and cheer. Thanks to Brett. I owe him one for that. By the way, happy belated birthday, #4! You will always be #1 to me....and I have no doubt, to my daughter too....(pinky swear).

My little butterfly

I loved this quote so much after I read it on Too Beautiful: Living After Losing Olivia...I just had to share and post it on Kennedy's blog. It totally fits how I envision Kennedy's life. I wish everyday that it she could have stayed longer, but I know that there are other plans in store for her. Maybe even other lives to touch. Thank you, Kennedy, for being my little butterfly first. Love you always.

"A Butterfly lies beside us
like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment,
its beauty and glory
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed
we feel so lucky to have seen it."
--author unknown....

Days 7-9 (pictures)

Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.





This photo is so great. It makes me smile every time I see it. This is my friend, Alison, and I at the Wisconsin State Fair this past summer. I was adamant about getting my giant pickle while in the exhibition center. While waiting for the seller to get my pickle, Alison and I notice this beautiful bottle of pickle juice which they now sell by the bottle. Now, I love pickles and everything...but to sell the juice?!! Seriously?!! That's hard core. By the way, it drew our attention because apparently it helps out with cramps. Not sure if that's leg or menstrual. Either way, it might be worth a try.



Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.



This pictures makes me sad....it reminds me of simpler times in my life. The final episode aired a little over 10 years ago. I was a senior in high school looking forward to the years ahead of me. Never did I imagine that I would be where I am today and dealing with all I have dealt with.



Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.




So excited to see my "boyfriend", Brett Favre, play football against the Chicago Bears. This was taken in December...a month where I was still really in a state of "fog." However, this date at the end of the month helped me to enjoy things I truly loved such as watching Brett play football. This was a good day.

Day 6--Playing "catch up"

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

1. Blogging
2. visiting Kennedy at Roselawn
3. reading
4. DVR and not worrrying about missing my shows
5. seeing my counselor
6. support groups
7. girls nights
8. shopping (including on-line)
9. eating noodles
10. messages or cards from long lost friends
11. taking walks
12. just relaxing
13. listening to Wicked CD
14. Ingrid Michaelson
15. drinking wine
16. butterflies
17. watching the leaves fall off the trees
18. knowing the weekend will always come
19. sleeping in
20. burning candles

Dear Kennedy

Dear Kennedy Kate,

Today is a hard day for your mommy...today is a baby shower for one of your mommy's closest friends/co-workers at school. She would be "Auntie Beth" to you. "Auntie Beth" is having a baby boy very soon named George. We often laugh that someday you and George will meet and find some way to run Heaven up there (with your political names and all). But that someday is very far away.... Your mommy has worked so hard at being happy for her friend. And I am genuinely happy for her, but it's been such a long road. See, "Auntie Beth" told your mommy that she was pregnant with George right around the time that you would have been due. And now, she will have baby George right around your angelversary. I pray that George will come earlier than "your date," but nothing can ever be guaranteed.

Anyways, little girl, Mommy has decided not to go to the shower today and had a very good talk about it with your "Auntie Beth." She said she understands and wants me to do what's best for me. She's a wonderful friend, Kennedy. I'm so lucky that she came into my life at the right time and has supported me through all of these really hard things. I wish there were more people like her in this world. Maybe you have met some in Heaven? I hope so...

Mommy just wants you to know how much I miss you today. Right around this time last year, you kicked me for the first time. It was very gentle since I was only about 19 weeks then, but it was enough for me to know that you were still there growing and moving. Thank you for that memory, Kennedy. I hold those moments very close to my heart.

I will continue to think of you each and everyday this month and always. The key events of last year are coming near, so Mommy can feel the "fog" kind of setting in again. I will do my best to hold it together and embrace the moments I had. I will promise you, though, that I will continue to be strong and fight through the tough moments. You will always be remembered for the good things, Kennedy. Please know this.

Hugs to you always, my little chickadee. And remember that I will always love you.
Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

Day 5

Day 5 - your favorite quote.

My favorite quote related to my little Kennedy is:

"I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
Robert Munsch, Love You Forever

These are my own personal quotes that I loved for awhile now...

"Imagine Peace."
John Lennon

and

"You are a rich person if:
You have something to do
You have someone to love
You have something to hope for and
You have something to believe in."
Lou Holtz (former Notre Dame coach)

Days 1-4

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

The song that reminds me most of Kennedy is "You are my Sunshine." My parents sang it to me as a baby and little girl and it was the song I wanted to sing to Kennedy most of all. It has become extremely difficult for me to even hear now because I only connect it with her now.

"You are my sunshine.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear,
how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away."

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

It sounds way silly....but I got hooked on Ghostbusters while I was on leave. Two silly movies that made me smile and remember happier times. My favorite part is when they are in the Statue of Liberty trying to save the city of New York. :)

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

As many others have posted already, and I have even posted before....I LOVE GLEE!! Thank you Ryan Murphy for creating a show that made me laugh, cry and sing all within the same hour. I needed this show....and it came out right when I needed it most of all.

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

As I eagerly await the final movie and try to finish the last book, Harry still sits as King of my favorite books/series. Similar to Glee, I tend to become quite the addict when it comes to cult favorites. Although, I haven't fallen for Twilight yet. I (heart) Harry Potter!

30 posts in 26 days

Thanks to Angie over at Still Life with Circles, I have decided to join many of you on the idea of posting 30 times within this month as a way to honor and remember my little Kennedy and all other babies that have died. October is the perfect month to do that....and I will do my very best to try and fulfill this goal. The end of the month looks a little bleak, so maybe this will keep me motivated to write happy posts. I can only hope.

Here is the list of 30 according to Angie. She is so talented. I will post once more today as I figure out my first 4 days.


Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

What do I even say?

So, either I am way more sensitive in the last couple of weeks or I am spending more time with people who never even knew that I was ever pregnant...but the comments keep coming. Apparently, according to society, I should be a "mom" by now. Because as I realized a couple of weeks ago, it would definitely help me understand how to put straws into a Capri Sun fruit drink.

Here is the situation:
I'm in a preschool working with one of my students. It's snack time. Nine three year olds are hungry and thirsty. One preschool teacher is still trying to help the students wash their hands. The other teacher is handing out snacks. I offer to help out with the drinks. And of course, they are Capri Suns. One of the most ridiculous juice boxes you can buy a kid when trying to make them be independent, especially three year olds. All of a sudden, memories flood me of having to ask for help from the "Sarge" lady in the lunch room at MY elementary school every lunch time because my mom insisted on sending me to school with those juice boxes. As I anxiously try to put these drinks together (somewhat struggling), the preschool teacher who is handing out snacks says, "Looks like Miss Alissa needs to have kids at home to have experience opening juice boxes..." All I could say is, "Yea, it does." ZING! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to hold back the tears as I put the rest of the juice boxes together. Wish I could have said, "Yea, wish that I was only a couple years away from giving my own daughter those juice boxes" or "I was close to having that almost a year ago." But no, instead I swallowed hard and chose to go on with my day.

Why does it feel like people can just assume it's easy to have kids? Or why do we hit a "magical" number when we should be having kids? I don't get it. And I truly don't get how people can be so naive to all the hurt that is out there that we experience as babyloss moms and dads. There is no way that that particular preschool teacher gave a second thought to why I might not have kids by now or even regretted what she said later. She assumed just as most people do. And we all know what assume means....(right?)

Here was the second kind of "zinger" of a comment that just happened earlier this week. Again, this one occurred at preschool too.
It's playtime....with the same group of kids that the juice box comment came from. The teachers are busy preparing for the next event while the kids are actively playing. I could make some teacher related comments at this point, but that's not what this post is about. So, anyways...Since I am the only teacher interacting with these three year olds as they are playing, they tend to request things of me or ask me questions while they are playing. While I'm busy working with my student, one of the little boys comes up to me and really wants to work on some puzzles; however, he has taken four other toys out in the last 10 minutes. I encourage him to clean a couple up that he is no longer using before we bring anything else out. This was a very simple request and took no "educational" knowledge to suggest this; however, the one preschool teacher who was in the room (not the one with the juice box comment) said to me, "Miss Alissa, I have already decided that you will be an excellent mom someday if you don't get burnt out before then." Again, ZING!!

So, here is the thing with this comment. It's super sweet...and very well intentioned; however, it hit me that I want to be known as a great mom already. I want people to realize all I did for my baby while she was here on Earth with me and what I do for her while she is in heaven. BUT, I couldn't and didn't say anything again. I just smiled and thanked her for saying that. I hate that these two people who I spend two days a week with don't know what's been going on in my life this past year, but I hate to open up old wounds for me. Sometimes it's easier to just move on and be okay with the people that do know. I'm guessing that there may be a time in the near future where it might come up, but it just wasn't the time then.

How do you determine a right time? And how do you figure out who is worth telling? These are still things I'm working through almost a full year later. I realize that I have secluded myself from so many people due to the hurt I have felt from others that I have a hard time talking about it at all to a lot of people. Have I hurt my daughter by doing this? Have I hurt her from being honored and remembered the way she should? I wish I knew these answers... I wish I had a how-to-guide that explained how to handle this for the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe, it would make things easier....

Holding onto September for a little longer

The month has changed....and I have yet to share about the changing of the seasons and how it is affecting my journey through grief.

Typically, I love fall. I love the cooling of the weather. I love that I can go outside and enjoy the cool breeze on my face. I love the clothes that I can wear. I appreciate being able to wear a t-shirt and jeans and maybe a hooded sweatshirt and feel comfortable with myself and my body. (This is a little insight to my body image issues). I love football, especially being so close to the Badgers. Sundays bring warm memories to my heart of family get togethers and watching my favorite athlete of all time, Brett Favre. I love watching the leaves change and all the beautiful colors they bring to the world. I love visiting the apple orchards and pumpkin farms with my students during the week and loved ones during the weekends.

Fall represents many happy times in my life. Yet, this fall is different. This fall hits with a vengeance of all that I have lost. All that I was before October 22nd. I still love the cooling of the weather, but as I have written in previous posts, the clothes have hit me in remembering what I looked like with Kennedy. It also reminds me of all of my issues with my body and how I don't think it will ever be the same.

Football reminds me of the first Badger game I attended with Kennedy in my tummy. I can't bring myself to wear that Badger t-shirt again even though it would fit me today. I wanted so much to find clothes and t-shirts that would grow with me during my pregnancy. I wanted people to notice my "baby bump" and exclaim how cute I was. I never really got that chance. Football season also reminds me of all the Badgers things I bought for my little girl. There are outfits that still sit in boxes that were for her to fit into this fall. She was supposed to be my little Badger baby. Today would be the perfect day for her to be all decked out in her red and white for the beginning of the Big Ten season. She should match her momma.

I can no longer really do Packer/Viking football Sundays. The family get togethers don't happen as frequently, and I'm okay with that. My dad and I tend to watch the games together every once and awhile, but I can't bring myself to wear the clothes I wore then. I have the perfect Brett Favre-Viking t-shirt, but it was bought for a different time. It wasn't bought for who I am today. I have to admit, though, that I still watch football and even enjoy it. It just feels different now.

I think that the changing of the leaves has hit me the most....or maybe just seeing Halloween decorations. Although, the changing of the leaves is absolutely beautiful, it represents the leaves eventually dying and falling off of the trees. Fall is the season of things that die. It's beautiful, but so true. My fall is the season of when my daughter died. It's kind of fitting, I guess. Kennedy grew at a time when flowers and trees live and thrive. Then, she left this world along with the butterflies, birds, leaves, flowers, etc. My beautiful baby girl gave me all the beauty in the world for five and a half months, but then she had to say good-bye just like so many do in Wisconsin. Maybe she knew that she couldn't handle the cold....maybe she was a gift like so many other things and creatures in nature....a gift that couldn't last.

Have any of you ever really thought about the meaning of Halloween? It's the holiday of honoring the dead. Ironic that the National Day of Remembrance for Infant Loss falls in the same month. Not sure if that is the reason...but it's ironic. I've never been a huge fan of Halloween anyways, but I do love pumpkins and since Wicked, witches. But the skeletons...nope. Not a fan. It hits too close to home for me. I hope that someday I can enjoy Halloween a little bit more, but it may always be a hard holiday for me to deal with.

I want so much to embrace all this season has to offer me....I really do. I want to look forward to the trips to the pumpkin farm that I will go on with my students at the end of the month. I want to eat apple pie and drink cider without being reminded of the last time I had it. I want to make applesauce with my students and not have triggers of leaving school on the day I found out that we had lost Kennedy. I'm hoping for all of that.... I'm praying that I get through this next month remembering what a gift my little girl was and still is. It's just going to take a whole lot of strength, faith and support.