Finding a Purpose...

It's difficult at times to realize that 8 and a half months have passed since I lost my baby girl...which leads me to believe that I am still in a fog of some sort most of the time. For most moms, by 8 and a half months, they may be be holding a baby in their arms. They would have planned for what the baby needed and for what they wanted for their baby. They would have felt their baby move and grow. They might have seen pictures of their baby or heard a healthy heartbeat. After eight and a half months, a mother might have have delivered her baby and be loving it more than anything else in the world. Because that is what a woman's purpose is when she finds out she is pregnant. It is typically to care for that baby and put his/her life before your own. It becomes your whole world...and to many others that are in your life.

However, when you lose a baby, it is easy for the baby or idea of him/her to be forgotten. It is easy for people to move on as if the five months that he/she was around didn't even exist. Time moves on, but to a mother of a stillborn baby, time seems to stop or slow down dramatically. My life seems to have little value or purpose anymore. I try to grasp for something that was as meaningful as what I did last June to October, but nothing compares. I truly don't know if anything will ever compare to the purpose of carrying a life inside of you...knowing that baby's existence completely depends on what you do. I only hope that one day I can find purpose or value in what I can provide to others in this world that feels similar to what I felt for five months.