Memories....triggers...sad feelings. They are everywhere and anywhere. They are all around me. I can't seem to avoid them or make them stop. I'm so sick of sadness. I'm so worn out with feeling depressed, and I want so badly to wake up from this awful nightmare. I despise that I'm consumed with anger and sadness. I want so much to just be me again.... But I never will be. I have to realize this. It's almost been a year and nothing has changed. Kennedy isn't with me. She isn't growing up...crawling...babbling....cooing. She isn't doing any of the things down here on Earth that most children do. Nope, my baby is up in Heaven. Away from me. Away from the one person who loved her more than anything else in the entire world. How is this fair? I just don't get it... I still don't get it.
And the triggers have just been endless the last couple of weeks. School started. Last year at this time, I was four months pregnant with my little girl. I wore clothes where my baby belly was just starting to show. I wasn't yet wearing anything maternity, so all my clothes that I'm starting to wear now for school reminds me of that time. Everything I pick out reminds me of what I looked like when I wore it last year. It's terrible. I didn't think it would bother me that much, but it hurts. Every morning, I put my clothes on and cry for what I was and what I have lost.
Labor Day weekend was a time when I shared the exciting news with my family from Texas. I can remember exactly what I was wearing...how excited my aunt, grandparents, and cousins were...etc. I then remember walking around Madison, doing the Taste of Madison and watching the Badger game. Later that night, I unfortunately got sick...big surprise, but I remember the feeling. The overwhelming sensation knowing that I was pregnant with Kennedy. I would go back there in an instant. I would do it all over again. Everything!!! Even the constant sickness...
I keep hoping that all of this anticipation of the year mark is truly worse than the actual day will be, but each day is getting harder. I can feel myself being more emotional. I'm getting hit harder by constant memories and triggers that send me into a tailspin of emotions. Emotions that I'm sick of feeling. Blogging, support groups, my grief counselor and a handful of people are all I have right now to get through this... I feel supported, yet so lonely all at the same time. I miss my baby...I miss what I should have had.
Repeat: Subconcious Levels
8 hours ago
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14 comments:
Today is my sweet Jalayne's one year angelversary. It is impossible not to remember the horror we were experiencing at this time last year. I have allowed the memories, sat with them, visited them, wrote about them. I remember also that we were surrounded by love. Tomorrow is another day, the year mark is past but I know that when I wake in the morning, the pain will be every bit as great as it is right now.
Praying for comfort for your aching heart.
karol
I'm so sorry the last several days have been so hard. It's impossible not to compare what you were doing a year before and what you are living now. But I know it's a horrible form of torture.
Plan to do something nice, to celebrate your little girl, on her angelversary. Even if most of the day is wretched, it might help you cope to do something to celebrate her. And it might help you feel a little bit better to have something to plan in the coming days.
Nothing will ever make the loss of your little one OK - but please know I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.
((Big Hugs))
Alissa,
I feel like I could've written this today. I'm so sorry that you're having to endure such torture. All the memories and associations with things...It's so hard!
With Kennedy's 1 year angelversary coming up (soon!), think of something that would bring a huge smile to your face or that deep sigh at the end of the day resulting from a good experience and plan to do it on her day. Plan something that would not only celebrate her 1st birthday, but also the accomplishment of getting to that day! Livy's 1 year isn't until December, but I already think about it and wonder what we're going to do for it. I mean, if our girls were here, we'd be having a big cake and celebration...since they're not here, what can we do in their honor? Perhaps focusing on that may help ease the stress of the days before it?
I wish so badly Kennedy was here with you. Hugs!
I am dreading my first angels original due date in 19 days :(
I agree I feel happy to have other BLM blogs to read and those ladies to support me but sometimes I feel so alone. I told my family this year about my second pregnancy on my bday and then had my D & C on my dad's birthday and my husbands birthday is hear what the due date should have been. Birthdays will not be fun next year.
Nothing seems to make it easier. I hope that you carry through these hard times as well as you can. I wish Kennedy were with you as I wish all of our babies were with us and that we never had to meet in such a sad way :( **hugs** to you!
I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. Not for you. Not for Kennedy Kate.
There are so many little triggers that just jump out of nowhere. I find that things I didn't even think about, things that I didn't think would bother me can really upset me if they catch me during an unguarded moment. My heart broke for you about the clothes, that is really tough.
Thinking of you and your sweet little girl at this difficult time. xo
it is incredibly unfair. even knowing our babies are safe and happy it is still so unfair that they didn't get a chance to grow up with us as their momma's. Sorry you're having a rough day and feeling the triggers.
xoxo
Your post spoke to me so much this morning. I am so sorry you are feeling the awful loneliness and pain of grief. It is so unfair that Kennedy is only with you in spirit and memory. Every trigger is another painful reminder of everything we lost. <3 I hope that the upcoming days are as gentle as possible. My heart will be with you, and I will be sending you big big hugs.
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. It is so unfair to have lost what we wanted and loved so much. I am thinking of you and Kennedy. I hope that you find peace in the coming days. Hugs!
I am so sorry! This road of loss is so hard. Isnt amazing the simple things that remind us that we would never have imagined... its not fair. Sending much love your way!
This just rings so true and resonates with me! Thinking of you ~ praying that the triggers are more bearable soon.
You're so right about the triggers and reminders. They are everywhere and most of the time they appear when we're having a good day or just thinking that we're going back to our former 'normal' selves. And then bam!, they rear their ugly heads and bring us down. I hate that feeling. I wish there's some way to protect us from them. But I've come to think that they are also there to help us not to forget our babies. That joy and sadness come hand-in-hand as we mourn and celebrate their short lives. I hope Kennedy's coming one-year angelversary would be gentler on you. (((hugs))) i hope the rest of the week will be peaceful and kind to you.
PS. i took a photo of Kennedy's name when we were at capitola, CA last weekend. i'd love to email it to you. i can be reached thru nanaynikai@gmail.com. :)
You are right, this is not fair. I am sorry. Triggers can be hard and they seem to be all around us. Lots of HUGS to you!
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad, know that I am thinking of you. Wish I could make all that hurt go away.
ps...I like your new blog design.
It seems like everywhere we turn there's something that is a trigger or a reminder and then I just remember that's because my sweet boy was such an integral part of my life...and he is just intertwined in everything I do and everywhere I go and everywhere I look. I don't see that ever changing...but I pray that the triggers don't sting as much as they do now.
Praying the same for you...
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