Guilt

After reading Melissa's post on Amazing Mikayla Grace today, it gave me perspective and inspiration to write about some things that have really been bothering me as of late. Since celebrating and honoring Kennedy's heaven date on the 22nd, I have wondered where I would be in my grief journey. In some ways, I almost thought that I would be "done" with my journey and ready to "move on" with my life. I thought that there might be a possibility that the peace I found that day would offer me some hope in returning to what my life was like before my loss. Realistic or not, this is what I thought.

However, different events in the past couple weeks have led me to return to the angry state. The angry state has been caused directly by the guilt I have been feeling. I am feeling guilty because of the time I have lost grieving my little girl. After hitting the year anniversary, it hit me how much time has gone by. How much has happened in a year. And how much I haven't done for anyone other than myself.

This is a terrible realization. And a truly sinking feeling. I've come to realize that I was doing what was best for me, and it was something I needed to do in order to be "healthy me." However, in my eyes, it doesn't make it okay. In the past two weeks, I have had two friends call to catch up. Neither of these phone calls have been returned by me yet. (Although, I have tried...just not at opportune times for the friend...and I knew that). In the past week, I have had a best friend have her first baby and another friend lose her sister to liver failure.

I finally made an effort on Sunday to see my friend's baby. I even held him....but not before feeling some anger at myself for being jealous that she had a baby and I didn't. I am guilty of wishing "he" was my baby. I am guilty of wishing that was my life. And I am guilty of not being there for her at all times. I wanted to be the one to help plan her shower. I wanted to help her register. But I didn't do any of those things...I couldn't. And I gave myself the "ok" to be that way, but I hate what it's doing to me now.

And then my friend that lost her sister... What a terrible situation. Her sister was 27 years old and had been fighting liver problems for four years. She was actually number one on the transplant list for the last few months before she passed away. I have known that her sister had been dealing with this for a couple of years now. Last year, they held a benefit for her right around the time I lost Kennedy, so I had a good idea that things weren't going well. Yet, I have maybe seen this friend a couple of times in the past year. We may have talked four or five times. And all along, her sister was dying. Yes, it was sudden...but it's the whole idea. I should have been there for my friend. I should have called her more often or gotten together with her to see how she was dealing with her sister's sickness. But no...I put myself first. And now I feel the guilt. And it hurts so much. Now, I feel like I'm playing "catch up." When I got the news of her sister's death, I sent messages and a card right away. I called to see what I could do. I made sure to answer my phone the minute I saw that she had called. When I was finally able to talk to my friend, I made sure she knew that I was here for her. I also offered to help with the benefit or the visitation that they are holding on Saturday. I want to make up for the lost time. I want to stop this guilt. I want to do what I can...and put others first.

I realize that a lot of time has gone by...and I also realize that I'm a different person, but the Alissa of a year and a half ago would have done anything for the people she loved. She would gone above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to long lost friends or set up get togethers. I want so much to go back to that life. I want to be that "old" Alissa. I want this guilt to stop. I want to move on, but not forget my Kennedy and all that she gave me. How do I do this? How do I change what has happened? How do I stop this awful feeling....of guilt?