Fighting what's on my mind...

As I sit down and write tonight, I have many things on my mind. My mind is worried about my Grams...as she has taken a turn back into the ICU with pneumonia again. She is quite the fighter, though, which helps ease my mind a little. But how long can this fight continue? She's worn out...and her mind and body are too. Even the most determined and strong-willed person can only fight for so long, right?

Then, my heart and mind turns to my life. Yesterday, I recognized it as the 22nd due to other baby loss mommas status and blog updates. The 22nd reminds me that it's been a certain many months since my beautiful daughter entered Heaven. To be exact, it's been 15. I can hardly believe it's been that long. It feels just like yesterday in so many ways. I hope that's an "okay" way to feel still. I really feel strong and in some ways, "at peace", when it comes to remembering my little girl, but I still have "those" days. The days when I want to just go back. Back to a time when I was pregnant and excited about the prospect of holding my baby and raising her.

And finally and probably most prominently, my mind turns to my current marital situation. (As a side note....I realize that this blog is about my life as a BLM now, but I also know how much being a BLM has affected my current life, including my marriage. And I desperately need support through this journey, too. Thank you to all who will continue to read this part of my story) As I had mentioned a couple posts back, my husband and I have been separated for about four months now. We have attended counseling a couple of times and spent some time together. Yet, it's been very infrequent. And when I do see him, I feel as if the air is sucked of me. As if every happy feeling that I may have been having is suddenly taken from me...and am smack dab in the reality of what my marriage has turned into. And basically, it's turned into a mess. A mess that I despise. A mess that I just want cleaned up. A mess that I would prefer someone else to take care of. Where's my mom when I need her? Oh yeah....I'm 29 years old. This is my mess. And this is my journey called life. I need to take care of this one. But how do I do that? I'm so confused....and so alone on this one. Even people who know what's going on have very little advice on what to do. Mostly I hear, "you will know." Well, what does that feel like? When will I know? I really would prefer to know now, and then decide what to do. I wish it felt like it was more in my control....and maybe it is.

Obviously, I'm way confused. And very sad. This is not where my life is supposed to be. This is not the way I thought it would ever end up. I never thought that life would be so hard. That everything I knew and once loved would suddenly seem so confusing and sad at the same time. I mean, I'm seriously still in the midst of grieving for my daughter. And I know it's been a long time, but it's where I am. How do I now deal with the possibility of losing my grandmother or watching her suffer on a regular basis, figure out my marriage, and grieve for my daughter....along with dealing with the everyday life activities? It's just too much. I feel vulnerable to sadness. I can feel my body giving in to just be sad again. I remember what November felt like. It was terrible. But I feel like I'm headed that way. I'm fighting so hard....but how long can I do this? How long can I physically keep up this fight without completely breaking down?