Dear beautiful daughter of mine,
Your mommy has kind of been out of it lately....Out of blog land. Out of visiting you at the memorial park. Out of reading books about grief. Out of attending support groups. Just out of it. I guess...life has kind of happened as of late. Life that hasn't really involved or given me time to think as much about you.
I want to apologize to you for that. I hate it when I feel a sense of guilt about not thinking about you. It just leaves me with a real "icky", uneasy feeling. That's not what a mom is supposed to do. What mom can just "forget" about her baby? That's ridiculous. Any mom who does that should probably not really be a mother at all. And that's not something I say very lightly. After all, it took me a very long time to get "used" to the idea of being a mom and what effect you would have on my life. Despite those uneasy feelings then, I never went a minute that I didn't think of you. You know that....we fought tooth and nail just to survive the short time we had together.
I guess that may be why it's hard to imagine myself not thinking about you. It just doesn't make sense. I should think about you. I should wonder what you are doing. I should even worry about what you are doing and who you are with. But I guess it's different. Maybe I even believe that you are safe....and happy?
But it doesn't make the guilt any less when I finally take the time to just stop...and remember. Stop and think about what we went through together. Stop and think about where we are both today.
Kennedy, I feel guilt. I feel sadness. I wish this was different. I wish this was your second March Madness. I wish this was the time of year when we would start to think about taking walks outside. I wish I could go into any baby department and look for cute butterfly clothes for you. I wish I could take you to the birthday parties of my friends. I wish I could take you to baby showers for babies that should be friends of yours.
You know...it's crazy. Who really gets pregnant and ever really thinks about the possibility of not having those opportunities? Who really wonders if there would be a chance that their baby wouldn't make it? Not really anyone. Only those that have been affected by this terrible tragedy on a personal basis do. But it really doesn't happen that much...in all reality. It just really doesn't. And I guess I should be glad for that. Glad that the majority of people out there will never feel what I felt then, what I feel now, and what I will always feel. I wouldn't want or wish this on anyone. That just wouldn't be fair.
So, my little one, I promise to work harder at being your mother. I guess I'm still kind of new to this whole mothering my baby who isn't here. I will visit you soon... I will promise to talk to you more often. I will promise to keep you close to my heart even on my toughest days. As I tell you quite often, you are my guiding light. And sometimes when the world looks dark and gloomy, I may need to look up to you for guidance. Show me the signs, baby girl. Maybe ask Grams if you're not very sure of what guidance to give. She's quite the smart lady... :)
Always know that I love you....and am proud that you are mine.
Hugs and love,
Mommy
P.S. Kennedy, please tell your angel friends that I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to their mommies. I will continue to work on that too. It's not only important to them...but it's important to me to help others and find comfort in doing so. Thank you, sweet girl. xoxo
Your mommy has kind of been out of it lately....Out of blog land. Out of visiting you at the memorial park. Out of reading books about grief. Out of attending support groups. Just out of it. I guess...life has kind of happened as of late. Life that hasn't really involved or given me time to think as much about you.
I want to apologize to you for that. I hate it when I feel a sense of guilt about not thinking about you. It just leaves me with a real "icky", uneasy feeling. That's not what a mom is supposed to do. What mom can just "forget" about her baby? That's ridiculous. Any mom who does that should probably not really be a mother at all. And that's not something I say very lightly. After all, it took me a very long time to get "used" to the idea of being a mom and what effect you would have on my life. Despite those uneasy feelings then, I never went a minute that I didn't think of you. You know that....we fought tooth and nail just to survive the short time we had together.
I guess that may be why it's hard to imagine myself not thinking about you. It just doesn't make sense. I should think about you. I should wonder what you are doing. I should even worry about what you are doing and who you are with. But I guess it's different. Maybe I even believe that you are safe....and happy?
But it doesn't make the guilt any less when I finally take the time to just stop...and remember. Stop and think about what we went through together. Stop and think about where we are both today.
Kennedy, I feel guilt. I feel sadness. I wish this was different. I wish this was your second March Madness. I wish this was the time of year when we would start to think about taking walks outside. I wish I could go into any baby department and look for cute butterfly clothes for you. I wish I could take you to the birthday parties of my friends. I wish I could take you to baby showers for babies that should be friends of yours.
You know...it's crazy. Who really gets pregnant and ever really thinks about the possibility of not having those opportunities? Who really wonders if there would be a chance that their baby wouldn't make it? Not really anyone. Only those that have been affected by this terrible tragedy on a personal basis do. But it really doesn't happen that much...in all reality. It just really doesn't. And I guess I should be glad for that. Glad that the majority of people out there will never feel what I felt then, what I feel now, and what I will always feel. I wouldn't want or wish this on anyone. That just wouldn't be fair.
So, my little one, I promise to work harder at being your mother. I guess I'm still kind of new to this whole mothering my baby who isn't here. I will visit you soon... I will promise to talk to you more often. I will promise to keep you close to my heart even on my toughest days. As I tell you quite often, you are my guiding light. And sometimes when the world looks dark and gloomy, I may need to look up to you for guidance. Show me the signs, baby girl. Maybe ask Grams if you're not very sure of what guidance to give. She's quite the smart lady... :)
Always know that I love you....and am proud that you are mine.
Hugs and love,
Mommy
P.S. Kennedy, please tell your angel friends that I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend to their mommies. I will continue to work on that too. It's not only important to them...but it's important to me to help others and find comfort in doing so. Thank you, sweet girl. xoxo
">
9 comments:
Oh sweetie! Of all the horrible things we feel, guilt is the worst. I have been thinking of you and Kennedy, and I hope that you begin to feel a little better soon. I agree that we have this feeling that they are safe so there is no need to "worry" about them.
I also understand that being a mother to a child that isn't here is overwhelming and exhausting. Honestly, I think being a mommy to River is much more tiring than his baby brother (who recently learned to walk...)
Know that you have a special place in my heart and Kennedy will always be remembered.
((hugs))
You are a good mother. The beautiful thing about where Kennedy is is that she doesn't need you to do those physical things for her. I believe they know our thoughts, and can feel that love too. Hugs girlie! Looking forward to seeing you this week.
Sorry that you've not been feeling OK recently.... you've written such a beautiful letter to your little one - can feel your love through your words. WIth you always xoxo
Guilt always seems to pop up for me - but I wish you wouldn't feel guilty. You are a wonderful mom to your baby girl!
I, too, haven't been able to keep up with my blogs like I would like to. Please know that even though I may not comment as often as I used to - I am thinking of you and your Kennedy.
((Big Hugs))
The guilt can be brutal at times. Try not to let it bog you down. You are a wonderful mommy to your Kennedy and even though you feel like she hasn't been on you mind enough, I am sure that she has just in different ways. You have been through it lately and life isn't easy right now so try not to be too hard on yourself. We are all here for you! Lots of love to you, sweetie!
You shouldn't feel guilty at all! No matter what, you'll always be Kennedy's Mom and she knows, even if you get caught up in the life here. xoxoxo
I know it's easier said than done, but try not to let the guilt hold you with a firm grip. You are an amazing mommy to little Kennedy! Just remember that she is with you always, no matter where you are. :) Lots of love to you!
You'll never forget her. She is always in your heart. There are many days when life gets so busy that I don't think as often of Carleigh as I used to but I still think of her every day in some way. It's just not all-consuming like it used to be.
Post a Comment