A bittersweet holiday

My heart aches today. It almost feels like it aches more than it has in a long time. And only people in this community would truly understand why my heart aches so much.

My heart aches because my baby is not here. And it aches because she isn't here to share tomorrow with me. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. An internationally shared holiday where mothers around the world are revered, loved and cherished. A day when those who hold a baby here on Earth are given the opportunity to glow with pride over their precious little ones.

Yet, those without a baby on Earth, are forgotten. They are asked about what their plans are for Sunday without even thinking about how difficult the day may be. They are asked what their plans are with their mothers, rather than thinking about what this day should be for them with babies of their own.

The entire month of May gears up for this day. Cheerful messages are sent to "other" mothers. Carefully prepared gifts are created all week long in schools by tedious little hands who love their mothers so. Various stores slogans change to "what you should get for mom." Hallmark creates thousands of "perfect" cards to say the "perfect" message of what your mother means to you. Even the post office prepares for this day by making appropriate packaging.

And every little bit of that hurts...and stings. And is a reminder of what I don't have and may never have. Mothers of babies only in Heaven do not receive those cheerful messages or cards with their babies handprints in them. They don't look at those slogans or cards without a wistful feeling in their heart.

All of it makes me miss my baby even more. I miss my Kennedy. I miss what my life would be with her in it. I miss what Mother's Day would be and should be for me as it should be for any mother. It shouldn't be a day of pain. It should be a day of celebration and joy. A day full of sunshine, rainbows and butterflies.

Instead this is what I feel....sadness, bitterness, and the great desire for the day just to be over. I know my sweet girl understands. She sees me sad. She doesn't want this for me. She wants us to be together. To share this day. She knows I love her. She knows I don't really need a day to be recognized as her mother. She just knows it hurts more because it's a reminder that she's not here with me. A day when I cannot truly be the mother to her that I would like to be. My little girl made me a mother. And I am eternally grateful to her for that title. Just wishing things were different. Wishing she was here...

Mother's Day

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard Him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied,
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown