Blank Pages

"We will open the book. It's pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called 'Opportunity' and it's first chapter is New Year's Day." ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

While searching for something inspirational to post on Facebook regarding the turning of the calendar, I came across this quote.  To me, this quote explained exactly what I need 2012 to be.  A clean slate.  A new book.  A fresh start.  Any of those would do for me....as long as this year allows me to put some things in my life behind me in order to move ahead.  As I had posted in Ready for a new era?, I am grateful for the gift of time.  The opportunity to keep exploring and experiencing all that this life has to offer me.  But in order to continue to grow and move ahead, I know that I have to continue to look long and hard at the things in my life that have continued to bring me hardship and unhappiness.  

One of the first steps I made towards that goal of a fresh start was the ending of my marriage to Kennedy's father.  It had been a long and very difficult journey to come to that conclusion, but there is a weight that has been lifted.  It was no longer healthy or in a place where reconciliation could occur.  And although, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I knew that it was one part of my life that I had to let go.  I cannot begin to describe to anyone the emotional toll that that particular decision has had on me, but I can tell you that it is definitely not something to take lightly.  Marriage is work.  But it's a two-person job....when one doesn't give the same effort as the other, it breaks down.  And unfortunately, the breakdown of my marriage never was fixed.  However, I know that it was something I needed to do for me and my future.  

Another step that I have taken is looking into what options I have educationally and professionally in the next year.   For most of my life since graduating college, there have been roadblocks that have prevented me from continuing my education.  Getting my master's has always been a dream and goal of mine, not only to help me be a better teacher but to allow other professional avenues to be explored should I ever choose to leave the Early Childhood world.  I often imagine being a professor at a local university or technical school.  I enjoy educating adults almost as much as I like educating little ones.  And I figure, if I am able to instill some of my values into a preschool teacher who then touches 20 students per year, that's how many more children that I am reaching.  It may sound a little self-centered, but I am proud of who I am and what I know when it comes to little kids.  I would love to reach out that much more to help others.  

I think that kind of a final step for me as I look ahead into the new year is continuing to put myself first.  This one has a lot to do with me spending time with people who support me for me and acknowledge all that has happened in my life to make me who I am today.  This has always been a very difficult perspective for me since I have always wanted to be friends with everyone.  I have always wanted everyone to love me.  Unfortunately, I think I wanted people to love the "superficial me".  The girl/woman who never wanted to share anything because if I did, I could expose things that people may not like or agree with.  I know that I continue to struggle with this today.  I hold my tongue.  I listen rather than give advice or ask questions.  I tend to ask people how they are hoping that we never have the chance to talk about my life.  I have a constant fear in me that I offend people or that people will not like me for choices I have made.  It's terrible.  It's relentless. And it's definitely something that I would love to let go.  I know that the world does not revolve around me, so why do I always worry that someone is judging me?  It's ridiculous, I know.  But I guess it's one of those "resolutions" that I will continue to work on in order to be a healthier me.  

I look forward to what 2012 will bring.  I look forward to the new opportunities that will come my way.  I have made a lot of changes in 2011 that should help make this a better year.  But some of those changes will stick me with me for awhile as there are lessons to be learned that will continue to mold me into who I am.  

The idea of blank pages intrigues me.  As I have said many times, I would have never imagined previous books and pages being filled with what they have.  However, that was the book that was written.  Some of it I had control over.  Others, I did not.  It just makes me wonder how much of what has happened in the past will effect the pages this year.  How much can I control?  And how much is completely written out already.