Feeling the Joy....Feeling the Pain on Christmas Day

Christmas Eve 2011...my 3rd Christmas without you.  For some reason, the thought of the 3rd Christmas finally hit me for the first time yesterday.  There I was decorating your gravestone for Christmas talking to you, and then it just hit.  Three Christmases...how is that even possible?  Where did the time go?  How could that much time have passed without me realizing it.  It seems like forever, Kennedy.  But yet, as I sat there at your gravestone yesterday, I realized why I had forgotten or why time has slipped my mind the last two Christmases.  The first Christmas without you I was in shock, numbness.  I didn't know what day it was much less Christmas.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to do much of anything.  The second Christmas was spent with your Great-Grams at the hospital.  I was consumed by fear of what was going on with her.  So, last year I was distracted.  So, this year....well, this year I felt some joy.  I decorated.  I celebrated.  I honored.  I remembered.  And it hit.  I feel it finally.  The gap.  The loss.  Christmas without you.  It is more clear to me than ever what I am missing out on.  What you should be doing this Christmas.  What I should be doing. 

The pain is intense at times, especially when I am alone.  I think of you, and I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to just be.  I hate that the feeling of loss is still so strong even this far removed.  How can one just push it all away?  When does it finally go away?  Does it ever?  Will the pain that exists each time I see a little girl the same age as you always bring tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart?  Will it, sweet girl?  And if yes...why?  Why is such a terrible question.  I know why....I know that I can answer many of these questions.  But they still come up...and sometimes I don't like my answers.  Sometimes I just want different ones.  

But despite the pain, I have felt joy, sweet girl.  I know that this is the first Christmas since losing you that I have finally felt that.  And most of that is in celebration of your life.  This year, I adopted two little two-year old girls off of the Angel Tree.  I did this last year too, but this year felt different.  I was ready to shop for them.  I was even excited.  I looked carefully and cautiously for the perfect gifts for these little girls in need.  And as I chose those outfits and toys, you were always in the back of my mind.  (On a side note, I would have chosen the sparkly jeans for you...but wasn't sure about them for someone I didn't know :))  Your life brought some light to those little girls lives this Christmas.  I want to believe that I would have done that regardless of whether you were here or not, but I cannot truly say that.  So, you were definitely the difference.  I also decorated my apartment this Christmas, and of course, little pieces of you are integrated into so many of the decorations.  Little angels, winter butterflies and pink girly decorations seem to pop up more so than ever.  :)  I was excited to participate in giveaways, create handmade ornaments and gifts.  And all of those were ways to connect with people I have met throughout the years because of you.  Kennedy, do you see what I mean?  You bring me such joy during an often difficult time.  

The pain does hurt...but the the feeling of joy is powerful.  Joy is a feeling that I have been waiting for.  It is a feeling of delight.  And delight is definitely not something that I have used very often in my vocabulary in the last three years.  But I do, Kennedy Kate.  I feel joy.  You gave that to me.  You did while I was pregnant with you.  You would have if you were here today.  And you do even while you are away in Heaven.  Your life changed me.  You have showed me joy.  Thank you, baby girl.  Merry Christmas to you in Heaven.  May you also feel joy and love there too.  Love you always.  

I took my tree down to the shore
The garland, and the silver star
To find my peace, and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart

On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang thy bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
For all my tears, for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day

The snow comes down on empty sand
There's tinsel moonlight on the waves
My soul was lost, but here I am
So this must be amazing grace

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
Beyond my tears for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day
There's still my joy for Christmas day

~There's Still My Joy~ Indigo Girls~