A "real" mother

This post is a long time in the making...  It is dedicated to all of you out there who have the desire to be a mother but may struggle with infertility issues, baby losses, etc.  This is post is about what makes you all a "real" mother.

Early in August, I was able to take a visit to the Milwaukee Zoo.  This is always one of my favorite "end of summer" trips before I mentally and physically prepare for the upcoming school year.  The Milwaukee Zoo not only was holding a Butterfly Exhibit during that time, but it also allows me to visit my two favorite orangutans, Mahal and MJ.  Mahal is the little guy you see in the video above and MJ is his mother.

Mahal had a painful first few months of his life as he searched for a mother that could take care of him and be the mother that he needed.  Once he was placed with MJ (who was unable to have children of her own but loved them ever the same), the bond was quite instant.  MJ was the mother that Mahal needed.  She was destined to have him in her life.  She was and is his mother.   Here is the link to the book that was created about Mahal and his journey to meet his mother, MJ.

I have always loved this story so much.  I think it relates so much to the world of loss, love and adoption.  It shows the deep desire to be a mother and to care for a child, whether that child is biologically your own or not.  If you didn't know the story of MJ and Mahal, you would never look at these two animals and think that Mahal isn't biologically connected to MJ.  MJ has nurtured and loved Mahal as her child.  He is her child.  So, I was devastated that day in August to hear the comment at least twice that "MJ isn't Mahal's real mommy."

What makes someone a "real" mommy?  Is it strictly based on a biological connection?  And if so, does that mean that if someday I decided to adopt a child that he/she would never be my "real" child or I would never be his/her "real" mother?  Would I continuously have to hear that?  How is that fair?  How does that make any sense at all?  The definition of a mother is:

         a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

These are the definitions of what makes someone a mother.  There is no definition of what a real "mother" is.  I am a mother.  Many of you who read my blog are mothers.  Mothers of babies in Heaven and on Earth.  MJ is a mother to Mahal.  And anyone who chooses to adopt a child is a mother to that child.  There may even be people who choose to care for a child without adoption or conception that could be considered mothers.  "Mother" is a word.  It is a name.  It is associated with a being who raises and cares for a child.  It is a privilege to carry that title.  It should not be abused.  Yet, it should be given out to those who have loved and cared for a child the way a child deserves to be cared for.  There should not be "real" or "surrogate" attached.  That shouldn't matter.  In the end, the name "Mother" should be given out by the child.  He/She knows who his/her mother is.  

I think not knowing for sure that Kennedy knows who I am has always been a concern for me.  When we meet someday in Heaven, will she recognize me?  Will she call me "Mommy"?  Will she know me as the one who carried her for 5 months but said good-bye too soon?  Does she look down on me and sense my love for her still?  I want this so much for her and for me.  I want her to see me and know who I am, despite the time we have spent apart.  I wish I was the one caring for her now.  The one who was rocking her to sleep.  Reading her bed-time stories.  Singing her songs.  I hope that she sees me as her mommy.  I hope she will always see me as the one who cares for her most of all.  

I know that this is something that we all hope for in the baby loss world.  The hope of meeting our babies once again and connecting in that special way that only a mother and her baby do.  I know that we also hope for the day when we will be mothers to special babies here on Earth too.  As I sit here and write, I can think of all my beautiful baby loss friends who have recently experienced the births of their rainbow babies and the ones who are awaiting the arrival of those rainbows (both through conception and adoption).  Each of us in this community know what loss feels like, yet each of us knows what love feels like.  Each of us realizes the importance in caring for a child, especially a child we so desperately want in our lives.  We are special kinds of mothers.  Each and every one of us.  Including you, MJ.