Your Life Vs. Mine

Seriously...I am waiting.  I keep waiting for the time when I can write a really good post.  A post about something or someone positive in my life.  And I should have that...  No, wait, I DO have that.  But why does it seem like the "Negative Nellies" in my life are the ones I write about?  Or spend time with?  One reason seems to be that I get so frustrated with certain people that it just leads me to vent...  And I really hate to use this space as venting, especially when there was a time that this place was sacred only to my sweet girl.  When all I wanted to do was talk about her and how I was dealing with the loss of her.  However, I guess the title of On KK's Butterfly Wings describes my life after the loss of her.  And this is my life now.  My life without her as I try to deal with people who frustrate me to the point of needing to write and share.  Okay, so now that I've found a reason to share this story again, here it is:

Before I officially start, this post has been changed for confidentiality reasons.  I may even think about eventually taking this post off of this blog, but for now, I will keep it as generic as I can. 

As we all know, we have some people in our lives who show support and love throughout anything we go through.  I think in the case of baby loss, we tend to lose more people than we thought was possible, but there are still those few who stick around.  I still find about 20 months later that I am bothered by those people who weren't able to support me when I needed them most of all.  And some of those people were family members of mine.  Close family members who were a part of very important events in my life. 

I have tried the philosophy of letting things go....and trying to find forgiveness for their lack of empathy.  I even try to forget those times.  But all it takes is lack of empathy again when it comes to my newest loss that leads me down that path of anger.  So, as of late, this is where I am again.  And the cause has been a comparison of someone else's life to mine. 

I hate to compare.  I think that I lived a life of comparison as a child.  I always wanted to be the best at everything.  The best athlete.  The best student.  The best looking.  Etc. Etc.  I wanted to be the girl who had it all.  However, I hung around a group of girls that always had all of those things.  And they were all better than me.  Or so I perceived.  Then, I went off to college and gained a little bit of self-confidence and self-esteem.  My group of friends was no longer based on what we played or how we looked, it was based on common interests or career choices.  However, I think there has always been self-esteem issues in the back of my head. They linger and cause me to worry a lot about what people think of me. 

So, when someone makes a comment that his/her life is harder than mine.  I immediately want to jump down his/her throat.  Not that I think differently or want to believe that my life is worse, but I don't want to compare.  To compare situations and emotions can lead to the judgment of character, self-esteem and self-confidence.  I don't want that.  I have learned, especially in the last couple of years, that we are all extremely different people and we handle situations that come our way the best way we know how.  We handle them based on previous experiences, where we are emotionally in our lives, and the types of support we have or reach out to.  I also truly believe that we are genetically programmed to handle situations a certain way.  And most of the time, this is different than the person sitting next to you.  So then, how can you compare? 

In my opinion, this person cannot and shouldn't.  He/She has not walked in my shoes.  And I have not walked in his/hers.  The only thing that I ask of him/her to do is to take the time to imagine what my life is like.  Walk in my shoes for just a minute before you choose to make a rash comment.  I promise you, I will think about yours.  But I will not compare. 

The other thing I will not do is wish my life on you in order for you to know what it has been like for me.  I would never wish my life on anyone else, although I do know that some people in this world have been through much more.  This is my life.  This is the life I have been given.  Some things have been in my control.  Others have not.  But I am doing my best to make the most of it.  I hope that you can make the most of yours too. 

There are days when I would like to tell this person in my life what I really feel.  How angry and hurt I am.  Obviously, this has been boiling up for awhile.  There have been events in my life that have led to this hurt, let-down feeling with this particular person, especially early on after my loss of Kennedy.  An event in which he/she never took the time to support me.  Or mention word of my baby.  He/She still hasn't.  It's like my baby never existed in his/her life.  And obviously this behavior still haunts me, but like I said before, I always continue to work on letting things go.  I guess my mission now is to try to forget that he/she made this comparison.  And to support this person the best I can despite the ache I feel that he/she doesn't know to be there for me. 

I know that this is what Kennedy would want and do.  This is the way I would teach her.  This is the way she is being taught by watching me, listening to my words and spending time with my Grams.  My Kennedy would know and understand empathy and forgiveness.  She would know how to accept others for their differences.  I will do this in her memory.  I will do this for her. 

Rage and Resentment

A couple of days ago, I attended my once a month grief support group. It was a much larger group than I had ever been a part of...and it was nice to feel supported and connected to so many people, despite the circumstances. Listening to the stories of other babyloss mommies and even a daddy helped me to realize (again) how many there out there that are going through many of the same emotions I do on a daily basis. Each person shares a different story, but each person also shares a similarity that is unfortunate: the grieving of a baby that was lost never ends. I have come to the conclusion that there really is no time limit on grief and we all have to deal with it the way we feel is right for us. There is no right answer, despite what a family member, friend, co-worker, etc., may tell you. We are all different people....and we must handle ourselves with care and know that we are doing what's right for us.

Although, I believe in what I preach...I know that I have a hard time doing it sometimes. I fall into the awful trap of wanting to do right in the eyes of society (which may or may not include family, friends, etc.). People want me to be better....they want me to move on, so there is a real urgency in me to follow their requests. And, of course, I want to be better, but my "better" is different than theirs. My "better" is going a full day or week without feeling extreme sadness which may lead to me not feeling well at all. My "better" is being able to go to Target and walk by the baby aisles at a normal pace. My "better" is not feeling the twinge of guilt as one of my best friends is "oohed and ahhhed" upon as people see how big and beautiful she is getting carrying her little boy. My "better" is being able to attend my ten-year class reunion not wanting to run for the hills when everyone starts showing pictures of their babies. These are all things that I want to work on....but "better" for others is me being the old me. "Better" for others is almost to the point of forgetting that Kennedy was ever even a part of my life. This is where the resentment starts to creep in...

At support group, I talked a lot about the people in life who I feel haven't supported me the way I feel I should have been supported. These are people who play or who have played pretty major roles in my life. These are also people I once called family or even best friends. I do not understand how a family who celebrates just about every holiday/birthday/job/vacation, etc. can just "forget" how to remember a family member that lost her baby. Granted, I did ask for space....but what does it take to send an email/text/or voice mail indicating that they are at least thinking about me? What does it take to send a card that let's me know they care? This is the family portion of my resentment. So many people just didn't understand...so many people that I love and cherish rarely even acknowledge that I was ever even pregnant at all. It hurts more than I ever thought it could...

As to some of my friends....the resentment carries over to them too. Now, trust me...I do have some really awesome family and friends, but this is not that post, so I will make sure to mention them some other time. This is the post where I'm going to throw people under the bus. But my friends that have made little or no effort at all make me want to completely eliminate them from my life. Yes, I realize that everyone handles death differently, but this was my baby. My chance at a future...my dream....my desire. If you can't understand what I'm going through, then please at least do something similar to what I listed above....send an email/a voice mail/card, etc. Please just let me know that despite how long my grief is taking that you will still be around for me when I'm ready. And then when I am ready...please let me me talk about what has happened or happening in my life based on the loss of my baby. I know it may be uncomfortable for you, but this is my story, and you already know I like to talk, so you should expect that I would want to talk about the one thing I loved more than anything else in the world. Yes, including college basketball!

This is where my resentment lies 9 months later...I don't know what to do with it and I don't really know how to handle it. Again, it's taking one day at a time hoping that my anger goes away. There is a part of me that knows I will have to just let some of the anger go, but I also know that I may be letting go of friends/family too. Maybe not...but it's really not a pleasant thought either way.