She just doesn't "get it."

My plan for this post was totally different....I had other ideas in mind. And then I was shaken up by a Facebook message. A message that I awoke to this morning on a day with the sun shining and Earth finally looking a little friendlier in Wisconsin. I thought today would be a good day, and I still believe it could be. Just gotta get this off my chest first. I think?!

My message came from a really close friend of mine from college. A friend who I consider one of my best friends. A friend who I thought "got it." Let's call this friend "K" for anonymity purposes. K lives in Wisconsin, but is a little too far away that we don't regularly see a lot of each other. K is one of those friends that early on after the loss of Kennedy, she would regularly email or send cards just checking in on me. She would always say, "When you are ready, let's get together." So, we finally were able to meet up in June or July of last year. I think I was probably ready before that, but time just got away from us. K and I had dinner that night in a nice restaurant that allowed us to just talk and catch up on everything. She wanted to know everything related to Kennedy. And I felt very comfortable talking to her about it. We were even then able to discuss how things were in my marriage with K's father. She could see the pain in my eyes as I discussed both things....and really listened to me. I left that dinner truly believing that she "got it." That she understood how my heart was still breaking from the loss, the possible break-up of my marriage, etc. There was never a question in my mind.

Then, I saw K last September. Right around the time that I had decided to move out. She even had found a butterfly coaster that she had specifically purchased in memory of Kennedy. What an amazing friend! Again, K and I found time during the wedding reception that we were at to walk around and talk about life and how things were going. She was such a good listener and made me feel so comfortable to share all of my innermost feelings. I, again, left that night feeling secure in my friendship with her and knowing that she was on "my side." The side that supported what I was feeling and everything I was going through.

Which leads us to the present...well, kind of. K got pregnant in early October. She announced it right away....and was extremely excited about this event in her life. As she rightfully should be. And I was honestly excited for her. Yes, maybe a little jealous too, but truly excited and happy for her. K right away started sharing emails with me about her pregnancy....ultrasounds, doctors appointments, etc. I wasn't entirely sure I was ready for these emails, but I read them, and often would respond back. They were very difficult to read at times...but I wanted to be a good friend to her and show her that I could be supportive of her too. After all, this was the friend who had been there and showed me her support during some of my most difficult times. However, I realized that I would often talk to other babyloss moms or my grief counselor about these emails. I could see that they were harder on me than I thought. So, I think I stopped responding eventually, maybe right around the time that K found out her baby was a little girl. I remembered how I cried the night I found out. Again, not because I wasn't happy for her, but because I was missing my little girl.

I know that many new moms get into this "pregnancy bliss" time. Although, I'm not sure I was ever really there given the constant sickness I experienced throughout the entire time I carried Kennedy, I know that it's a little bit naivety that plays a role. This was the friend who was on the phone with me, 10 weeks pregnant, and was telling me how her husband had just put up the crib. She was excited...living the life of pure bliss....ready for this next step in her life....ready for her dreams to come true. How could I rain on that parade? The friend who had lost her baby girl 12 weeks from where she was. So, I joined right in. Talking about baby stuff, how she was feeling, etc. I genuinely wanted to know, but there was also a part of me that was putting on a "strong front." Guess it's probably easier to do over email and phone than if she had seen me "in real life." I'm guessing my face would have said it all, but maybe not. Maybe I am growing....

Well, as you have all probably figured out, the shower invite arrived in late February. Right around the time that I was sick and then was grieving for my grandmother. Yep, perfect timing, right?! I knew it would come. I didn't doubt it. Did I kind of dread it? Yes. But I had prepared myself....kind of. The beautiful "pink" note came sharing all of the events of a joyous occasion. An occasion that I knew I would not be able to attend. I knew this in my heart....yet, when K asked me about it in late March, I said that I wasn't sure yet. I believe she took this as a "yes."

Which brings us to this morning and the "message." Just a little lead up to the message, K had sent me an email a couple weeks ago wanting to get together on the 22nd. Unfortunately, I was not able to make that given other set plans for that day. After that email I sent back about a week and a half ago saying I couldn't make the 22nd and was not ready for the shower, I hadn't heard from her. I called her once, sent a couple text messages, etc. I figured something was up. So, finally, I receive a message from her. A message that made me cry. A message that brought up all of these feelings of wanting to move on. Or the desire to return back to the "old Alissa."

In the message, K writes how excited she was to see that I had RSVP'd "yes" (again...mistake). She thought it would be the perfect growing experience for me in taking that next step. She expresses that she cannot pretend to understand what I am feeling, but that she feels she has a better understanding since being pregnant with her daughter. Then, she went into writing about how she feels that I'm missing out on major events in my loved ones lives by not attending showers or meeting babies (in my follow-up email, I told her that I have met and held babies). She fears that if I cannot attend her shower then will I ever be ready to meet her little girl? (again...I have met and held other babies). She ends her message by telling me that I need to face my fears with the support of those around me. She wants to see me move through these rough times and maybe find some light at the end of the tunnel. She mentions that she wants to see me accept that maybe the things that are happening around me are for the better and are meant to be. She doesn't see me doing that right now, and thinks that I'm slipping away.

Sorry, if that was a little rough to follow. In other words, this is the way I took the message this morning, "I'm sad that I cannot be the one to help you through this enough for you to be ready to attend my shower. I wish that you were closer to being ready than you are. I worry that you are dwelling in the past and not realizing that 'everything happens for a reason.'" In many ways, it felt like she truly didn't get it. I know that wasn't her intention....or even to make me feel this way. BUT, it was a major letdown. Because I thought she did get it. I thought K accepted me and supported me no matter what. I thought she would be one of those friends (whom I have already had in my life) that would say, "It's okay if you don't come, but I had to send you an invite anyways." But she wasn't...and it hurts. And maybe it hurts more because I feel like I have been doing so well as of late. Like I'm stronger than I was two weeks ago, a month ago, 6 months ago. I feel like I'm connecting to people I had lost touch with in the last 2 years. I feel like I'm more comfortable talking about Kennedy and then leading into the break-down of my marriage. I do see a light, but then I get this message, and it worries me. It makes me feel as if I'm stuck. I hate that feeling. I'm ready to keep moving through this grief. I ready to find "healthy" ways to remember my daughter by setting up a Memorial Walk, creating a Face2Face group, etc. I felt like I was doing that. But maybe not to the extent that K wants to see...or maybe she's not seeing it since I don't see her or talk to her on a regular basis. Maybe she thinks I'm stuck just because I won't go to shower? I tried to express that in my message back to her, but I'm still worried she might not truly understand. But how can see? She hasn't experienced this. She can't begin to fathom what it feels like as she carries her healthy baby girl. She can try to imagine...but as we all know, it's much worse than you could ever even think.

It just sucks. There is no other way to put it. I think that I had put my heart out there for her to read and understand. And she can't. I get it... It doesn't make it any easier to accept...but I do get it. :(