Right Where I Am Project: 1 year, 7 months

Thanks to the beautiful and inspiring, Angie, at Still Life with Circles, I decided to participate in this project. Angie's idea is to discuss where you are now in the grief process and what it feels like now. It is to help new babyloss members to understand and see the road that grief can take you on and for others who are further along in the process to see how far they have come.


Where am I: Currently located on my couch in my apartment in Madison sharing my innermost thoughts on my blog. Contemplating how my life got to this point....and the effect that Kennedy had on it all. Enjoying the Brewers game on television. Making plans for the summer. Wondering what I should wear tomorrow.

Seems like a simple life. Seems even easy. Sounds like things are going "ok." Looking at those thoughts, I would never have believed a year and seven months have passed from one of the saddest and most traumatic times in my life. I don't even think that the average reader who would just randomly come across my blog would look at this post and think that anything is even wrong. But that's the "random" reader's thoughts. Little do they know the process that it has taken to get to the simplicity of life again. Little would they know how dramatically different my life was then.

But that's pretty much the way life is now. In about one in every five thoughts, my mind goes back to Kennedy. My heart takes me to that day and the weight of what I don't have creeps back in to send me a wave of sadness. I do have happiness. I do feel enjoyment. I smile. I laugh. I find a way to go on. But it's not without those thoughts. And the pain.

All it may take is a mention of a little boy that was killed on my favorite soap opera, see yet another person on Facebook is pregnant, or see the mention of the word "mother" in my favorite Harry Potter novel to make me feel an ache. Those are the times that thinking of Kennedy brings me pain. But that's not always where I am now. I have happy thoughts of her too. Times where I can imagine this beautiful girl with curly light brown hair and blue eyes in a pretty pink dress decorated with butterflies taking her first steps or giggling at a silly song. She is sassy. She's sweet. She's the "Princess of the Show." And she's happy. These are the times that make me smile. Those thoughts make me remember her for all of her beautiful qualities that she offers Heaven today.

I am still working on what it's like to "parent" her here on Earth. I'm still trying to find that happy medium of what society views as "ok" and just figuring out what's "ok" in my heart. I find that I question myself all the time if I talk about her too much or if I do too much to help myself with this grieving thing. I have had numerous loved ones in my life comment that I should be "moved on" by now. Questions seem to have the same common idea of: "Why am I not okay by now? " and "Why can't I just accept that this is my life?". I find that I'm more likely to not answer them or answer with the basic, "I'm fine." Which I am...I'm fine. I'm as fine as I think I will ever be. My daughter is gone. She's not coming back. So, in order to continue to be "fine," I look for ways to incorporate her into my life. I continue to wear her bracelet and ring. I change my necklaces that memorialize her as I see fit. I wear butterflies and chickadees. I look for butterflies and buy bird feed for chickadees. I have her little "korner." I go to two monthly support groups where I can talk about her for more than an hour. I am starting a Memory Walk for her and other babies. And as always, I visit where Kennedy was laid to rest and talk to her.

This is where I am. I am "ok." I am fine. I am blessed. I am a mother. And I am happier than I was that day. I am happier than I was a year ago...six months ago....two weeks ago. The pain still hurts but doesn't happen as often. I have found ways to go on. I carry my grief with me everyday, but I also carry the knowledge that I will be with my little girl again. It's one of those beautiful "happy" thoughts again. Kennedy is waiting for me. She's watching me now. She's taking note of where her mommy is and what I am doing. I can't wait to tell her about all the wonderful things in my life that happened because of her. What a long, amazing mother-daughter moment that will be.