A Letter to You

Dearest daughter of mine,

Today I am writing to you as part of the Faces of Loss "International Creativity Month."  The founder of Faces of Loss, Kristin, otherwise known to you as Stevie's mama thought it would be a great way to kick off the month of creativity by connecting with our children through our writing.  And as you know, dear Kennedy, your mama has always loved writing on her blog and writing to you, so this should be easy.  But just as life often is, it is not as easy as I would like it to be.

I struggle with what to tell you.  What is new?  Well, more than likely, you already know that.  But anyways, let's start with that.  What is new...  Well, 2012 has been interesting so far.  I celebrated the New Year with some wonderful friends of mine (many of whom you may remember).  We danced.  We ate.  We drank a little too much.  We welcomed in the new year with many hopes and dreams.  And then we all went home.  And then your mama woke up sick.  I'm starting to realize I cannot do a lot of the things I used to, Kennedy.  Especially those that I did before I was pregnant with you.  My body has definitely changed.  But I know it's not just due to the pregnancy.  Your mama is just getting older.

So, then the 2nd came around.  A day I had been really looking forward to since my Badgers were going to be in the Rose Bowl game.  But that didn't stop the stomach flu from rearing it's ugly head.  And so it came.  And so it stayed...for 5 whole days.  By the way, just as an update to Heaven, the Badgers did not win.  And the Badger basketball team has not won since last year now.  Oh, and my Blue Devils lost too.  Needless to say, it's been a "rough" week and start to the new year.

I think that is the most ironic thing, though, Kennedy.  "Rough" now relates to physical illness.  Sports teams.  That's how times have changed for me, sweet girl.  I have changed.  I am moving ahead.  I have hopes and dreams again.  Two years ago, if I would have heard someone talk about "rough" times and mention the things I have, I probably would have punched him/her (and I do apologize to anyone who reads this and wants to do that to me).  Now, I am at the point in my grief where I can say things like that (obviously knowing better...and knowing my company) but feeling like that is what is "rough" in my life right now.  Things are getting better.  Slowly.  But they are getting better.  I can see the light.  I feel warmth again.  And there are many times when I am happy.

I hope this doesn't take away anything from you.  I hope you don't think that because my life really isn't so difficult anymore that it is because I have forgotten about you.  Because, without a doubt, that is definitely not the case.  There is never a day...maybe even an hour that goes by that I don't think of you.  I still ache for you.  I still miss you and what we could have had.  But you definitely play a different role in my life than (hopefully) any of your brothers/sisters will.  You are my guiding light.  My sunshine. My purpose.  My angel.  I feel your presence around me always.  Everything I do, I feel like I do with you in mind or with your guidance.  My heart is forever connected to yours.  We are bonded more closely than anyone else in this present world has with me.  You know my deepest thoughts and wishes.  And I know you want those to come true just as much as I do.  Your hope for 2012 is just as embedded in me as if we were together still.  I know we want the same things.  I know we believe in the same things.  I love that.  I love knowing that there is this little person out there who may/may not look similar to me but thinks and dreams the same way I do.  It makes me feel less alone.  And it gives me peace knowing that one of the things we both so desperately need in our lives, you are currently receiving in Heaven. And I am often finding here on Earth. Happiness.  Be happy always, Kennedy Kate.  Smile.  Laugh.  And know...you are loved.

Thank you for letting me write this letter to you.  Thank you for reading.  Listening.  Helping me write.  I so enjoy talking to you.  And knowing you are near.  I feel your love, sweet baby girl.  And your love will always help me get through the year and all that it has to bring.  Even those "rough" moments...actually, especially those.  As always, thank you for letting me be your mother.  There is nothing in this world I cherish more.

Hugs and kisses to you, my little chickadee.
Love you to Heaven and Back again,
Mommy