Being me

I have been meaning to start this post awhile ago...especially around the time that my life kind of went into a tailspin (about a month ago), but here it is, November 28th and I'm ready to write it down.

Do any of you ever feel like you just can't be "you" anymore? I mean...we talk so much about making a life out of our "new normal," but I still find that I can't truly be "me" as the "new me" with most people. I find that people want me to be the same girl/woman. The girl/woman before I lost Kennedy. Before my marriage started going really bad. Before people weren't sympathetic or empathetic to my situation. Most just think I can go back to being that person. A year later...and I'm still amazed at the pressure to be "okay" and back to the "old me."

But I find that I really only feel like "me" when I'm with people who truly understand what I have been through. And that's people who read my blog. People who I have met through my bereavement support group. And my counselor. There are so few people that "get me." Those are the people who really listen and really support me. They have been through it and are working to know who they are too.

I think this has been very difficult for me to deal with since I pride myself on having so many wonderful friends and family. And I still really do have wonderful friends and family. But most don't understand how I am doing...and really just want me to be "better." These are the same family and friends who would rather just forget that Kennedy even existed than mentioning her name. In the past 6 months, I have been working on spending more time with my friends and getting back into the "swing" of things again, but I still find it difficult when Kennedy is never far from my mind. How do I take part in small talk or minor problems when I am still dealing with all of the "major" stuff in my life? I hope this doesn't sound selfish...but I realize that it might.

There are days that I just wish I could take part in "small talk" conversation and realize that this is just "normal." I wish that talk about "Dancing with the Stars" would come as easy as it used to....but it doesn't. I wonder if it ever will.... But maybe that's just me being me now. Maybe I'm such a "deep" person due to my situations that the small talk of everyday life just doesn't interest me anymore. I have no idea...but I do wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to be me with everyone. I wish everyone would just accept me for who I am now.

By the way, my dear BLMs, one of my wonderful friends, Melissa, who completely accepts me for who I am now is having a giveaway on her blog, Amazing Mikayla Grace, in honor of her 50th post. The prizes are amazing!! Good luck!