So, I have decided that I probably should change my profession. Being a special education teacher at the Early Childhood level is full of rewards, mostly that being the children and the families. I could come home everyday and post a "cute kid" story on Facebook if I had the time and energy. I also work with some amazing families who basically take you in as a member of their family within the first few years of working with their child. And finally, I do have some great co-workers. Co-workers who I personally call some of my best friends. But here's the kicker....I work in a school of all women. And even when I go out into the preschools/daycares to support my students, it's all women. Women who are either similar in age to me or are older. And what do women around my age or older have in common...well, most of them. They are buying homes. They are getting their masters. They are getting married. They are married. They have children. Or they are pregnant.
Hmm...where do I fit? Oh, yeah... I am "that" girl. "That girl" who when you are sitting in the lounge at lunch and you ask about how things are...you don't really know what to ask. You don't ask about my husband because you probably don't really notice the status of our relationship. You don't ask about my "house" or "yardwork" because I don't have any of that. You don't ask about my children...because unless you weren't working in the building a year ago, you know that I don't have a living child. And, of course, you wouldn't ask about a dead baby. You don't ask about going back to school because you know I probably can't afford it right now paying rent in Madison under one income. And since I haven't really pursued anything up until now, you probably don't think I'll ever do it. So, what do you ask? Hmmm....
I'm the girl that you may ask about what I did on the weekend. I'm the girl you ask about my mom or family. I'm the girl you ask general questions to....questions with little meaning. Not that my family means so little to me. It's just that at this point in my life...you wouldn't typically ask how my mom was. You would ask about my husband, about my family, about my career, about my future.
Now, let's go back to my profession. Working with women may seem like it has its benefits. Empathy, sincerity, people who care. And I do get all of those things. But I also get the feeling when I sit in the lounge of, "One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong." I don't belong to the club of women who are wives (well, not really). I don't belong to the club of mothers (well, kind of). The only club I belong to at school is the club of educators. And often....at times like in the lounge or retirement celebrations, that club of educators doesn't really hold the same meaning as the other two.
We, in the babyloss community, talk a lot about "the elephant in the room" feeling. That is definitely something I feel. Yes, it's partly because of my loss. And yes, it's partly because of my relationship status. But more than anything...it's mostly because this is my life. I am "that" girl. I am "the elephant in the room."
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