Movie comparison

If someone asked me to list five of my all-time favorite movies, here is what I would say: Oklahoma, Annie, Wizard of Oz, Moulin Rouge and Hoosiers. As you have probably figured out, one of those movies doesn't really belong with the others, but you can thank my dad for that. Anyways, I love musicals...and I really think that I had always wanted my life to be like a musical. Fun, happy, full of life, energy, and music. Sure, I figured that there might be some flying monkeys, a crazy cow-hand or two, maybe a Miss Hannigan or Duke, but overall, I would win the game in the end because my life would be great. In all of those movies, there is a happy ending...well, kind of in Moulin Rouge. I thought my life was that or would be that by now. I had this image of all I wanted out of life and what I should have by the time I was my age. And yet, everything seems to be askew...mixed up...out of control. This is the part in the movie where I just wanna say, "Wake up, Dorothy! It was all just a dream... There is no way that your life is this out of control. " But this is not a dream, and this is the life that I must continue to live out to see what happens in the end... I must wait to see if I do make the game winning shot, get adopted by a millionaire or find true love. I must wait to see what my happy ending is.

Chicago, here I come...

This morning, my mom and I are taking off for Chicago to meet up with my aunt and cousins from Texas. I will have to share a little bit more about that family sometime in a different post....but I am very excited for the opportunity to "get away" for a few days. It's an easier, but more expensive, way to clear my head and fill it with hopeful thoughts. I look forward to doing some of my favorite things while there: shopping, eating and partaking in silly moments. Look out dueling pianos! :)

Playlist

The playlist has songs that I listen to and think about when I remember Kennedy... I used quite a few resources to find songs that had some meaning to young children or babies. Some of the songs also symbolize my need to be okay and stay strong. This is definitely a journey that you don't choose to be on...or a journey that you don't want to walk alone. I hope that mothers can find comfort in knowing that they will never be alone.

Finding a Purpose...

It's difficult at times to realize that 8 and a half months have passed since I lost my baby girl...which leads me to believe that I am still in a fog of some sort most of the time. For most moms, by 8 and a half months, they may be be holding a baby in their arms. They would have planned for what the baby needed and for what they wanted for their baby. They would have felt their baby move and grow. They might have seen pictures of their baby or heard a healthy heartbeat. After eight and a half months, a mother might have have delivered her baby and be loving it more than anything else in the world. Because that is what a woman's purpose is when she finds out she is pregnant. It is typically to care for that baby and put his/her life before your own. It becomes your whole world...and to many others that are in your life.

However, when you lose a baby, it is easy for the baby or idea of him/her to be forgotten. It is easy for people to move on as if the five months that he/she was around didn't even exist. Time moves on, but to a mother of a stillborn baby, time seems to stop or slow down dramatically. My life seems to have little value or purpose anymore. I try to grasp for something that was as meaningful as what I did last June to October, but nothing compares. I truly don't know if anything will ever compare to the purpose of carrying a life inside of you...knowing that baby's existence completely depends on what you do. I only hope that one day I can find purpose or value in what I can provide to others in this world that feels similar to what I felt for five months.

Kennedy's Hope Collage

Thank you, Franchesca!

KK's angel wings

Thank you so much, Lea. Kennedy's wings are beautiful.

Kennedy's "Gone too Soon" memorial

I started this website for my little girl around the time that we were celebrating and honoring Kennedy's due date.

And so vacation begins

It has been about two weeks since I left West Elementary and the 2009-2010 school year behind. It feels like forever ago since I was there, and yet, in some ways it feels like just yesterday that I was waiting for the school year to come to a close. At the end of any school year, there are bittersweet emotions as a teacher....the first one is the obvious, "Thank goodness it's over..." or "I'm so glad I only work 9 months out of the year!", however, in my profession I spend sometimes up to three years with my students ages three to six, and by the time, their final year in Early Childhood is up, it's usually pretty hard to say good-bye. Not only have I watched this child grow in many ways, including but not limited to, communicating, walking, controlling behaviors, etc., but I have grown to love who this child is and all the little steps he/she has accomplished to get to this point. I also tend to grown a very close bond with the family, as this tends to be the child's first experience in school.
So, typically, it is very hard to say good-bye to a school year for me, although I would have expected differently this year. I would have thought I would just be completely ready for a fresh start...the end of a horrific year, instead two and a half weeks have passed, and I miss my kids and families more than I ever have. I really feel that it has something to do with the level of support they have given me throughout the years of working with their children, but also what they provided me after the loss of my little girl. The majority of my families that I worked with knew that I had lost her and made every effort to give me encouragment and support throughout the grieving process. However, I even had families that knew very little about my loss, yet came up in big ways to give me support in areas where I needed it. I have never walked away from a school year feeling more confident, more energetic and more stable in my ability as a teacher than I do this year. My families and students gave that to me, and in some ways, it's one of the greatest gifts that any teacher can receive. It ultimately is a great "healing" gift to know that you are loved and admired for the work that you do on a daily basis, and it helps to know that despite my loss, I was able to overcome my grief in order to be successful and proud of the work I did with my students.
And so....two and a half weeks later after not accepting the "new" Early Childhood job, my plan is to return to my school district knowing that their are many "new" children and families out there that I will need to support and grow to love. Although, I am not ready for the school year just yet, I am excited for what is right around the corner...

Time keeps on slipping

2 days until the end of the 2009-2010 school year and 2 days until the worst school year of my life comes to a close...As a teacher, you live your life September through June with July and August being your "summer or extended year months". My calendar and date book will always start with September and end with August. It's just the life I lead. September of 2010 will be the beginning of a new year and new hope that things will be better than the last year.
I can only hope that things will get better...because in some ways, they can't get much worse. I need change. I need something better. I need hope that I'm growing and will be happy again more days than not. Please September....I need that from you. As for June, I can't wait to see you go.