29

I never really imagined that I would ever write on a blog talking about wishes I had for my life at 29, but instead I would be fulfilling those dreams and wishes by just living my life. I have seen many blogs in the past couple of weeks in which posts have been aimed towards expectations that haven't been reached or dreams that have been crushed. As we all know, our dreams have all been crushed with the loss of our babies. However, these posts share even deeper thoughts about how we all expected more out of our lives by a certain age or a certain time. Here I am about to turn 29, and all I can think about is what have I really done in 29 years? What have I accomplished of the dreams I set out to pursue so many years ago?

By 29, I figured I would be happily married, have at least one living child, and be in the heart of a graduate school program. I figured I would be looking into buying a house or even have bought one by now. I might even be in a different job at this point in my life. But none of this is true. Not one little thing. And although I know that some good has come out of 29 years on this Earth and there are even times when I'm truly happy, it hurts to see how many dreams have vanished. It hurts to realize that there are dreams at 29 that will never happen now...or maybe not at all. That's what hurts most of all.

But don't get me wrong, as I stated before, there are times when I truly feel happy. December has opened that up for me again. I feel more joy out of just living than I have in the past 2 months. I see some lights at the end of many tunnels. My body even feels better than it did last month. This, in itself, helps me to know that there is hope for tomorrow. That the dreams that I once had for myself may not happen right now, but maybe there are new dreams still to pursue. I have even come to think that Kennedy may be showing me the light in many ways. I feel more connected to people than I ever have before. I feel more ambitious to do things for me. I tend to focus on what's truly important in life. I know that, overall, I have become a better, healthier person. These are all positives about 29. There is a new maturity to me that I may not have had if things had turned out differently. Please, don't get me wrong. I would do anything to have my daughter back with me, but because I don't, I'm trying to see what life has in store for me now. Maybe Kennedy had messages that she needed to send to me now that she couldn't had she physically been here. I don't know....just a thought.

Anyways, on Thursday, I will celebrate another year. And although I feel some sadness in realizing all that I don't have this birthday, I am coming to some realization that there are some things that I do have. And some of these things are good. I'm hoping that 29 is a good year for me. The other day, I sat at support group for infant loss and said that I couldn't wait until 2015. Everyone at support group chuckled and wondered why so far away. I will be 33 years old then. And for me, good things got to be happening by then. They just got to.