You may say I'm a dreamer...?

Recently, I had a pretty eye-opening conversation with my significant other (yes, I haven't officially posted about him...but there is one.  And there has been one for awhile now.  Awhile? Yes, at this point and at this stage in my life, I don't really keep track of months.  The girl who remembers just about every date doesn't remember how long it has been?  Nope.  And it's okay.  Because the point is, he makes me happy.  He accepts my life before.  Acknowledges my daughter.  And makes me want to be a better person.  I can see a future with him.  Sorry to be brief.  But it is an update, after all.  There will be more about him throughout this post, so stay tuned.)  But anyways, back to this conversation.  (Side note again: we have known each other for awhile before the "dating" was official, so he knows about this whole "grief" thing.)  We were on our way home from the Brewers game.  It has been absolutely sweltering in Wisconsin, so I think we both might have been a little on edge during this conversation; but nevertheless, the conversation took place.  We have been talking a lot about the future (again...time moves faster the older you are...and maybe the more you have lived).  Marriage.  Kids.  Money.  House.  Careers.  Etc.  This conversation kind of encompassed them all.  However, the kids part took precedence.  Mainly, because we both know it is our number one priority at this point (or at some point) in our lives.  I want a rainbow baby.  He wants to be a dad.  So, in talking about the future, he brings up buying a new car or house.  I am a little taken aback by this because I don't see the reasoning right now to do that, especially given our current working locations and financial situations.  He says, "I am just thinking about it...and wanting to talk it through."  I then go on to explain that if we really are planning to be together (which I know we are), then I don't know if buying a car is in our best interest at this point.  Although, I do mention that if a car is really needed (since I know so little about cars), then he does need to go ahead and start looking.  However before I can really stop my mind from starting to race the conversation evolves into the "What ifs?" then.  And they all came straight from my mouth.  What if we need money to take care of fertility issues?  What if I lose another baby?  What if we need money to adopt?  What if the baby is sick or needs extra care?  What if.....  What if.

And so it goes.  The big "What ifs?"  Seriously.  When did I become such a pessimist?  Or is that a realist?  I don't know.  Anyways, after all of those thoughts went through my mind and out my mouth, I could tell that his mind was now racing too.  But not in the way I thought it would.  He didn't look scared.  He didn't look angry.  He looked agitated.  Frustrated.  And then he looked at me and said, "When did you stop being a dreamer?"  WHAT?!!! I am a dreamer.  Right?!!  I dream about world peace.  I dream about the end to cancer.  I dream for all people to have food on their tables and a place to sleep. I dream about every kid getting a good, high quality education and live in a world where they feel safe.  I dream about people coming together, holding hands and singing, "Kum Ba Yah" or "We Shall Overcome."  And that's all people coming together.  So, see.... I am a dreamer.  Right?!!  And I do dream about me.  About what my life could look like.  But my significant other was right....in some ways.  The dreams about my life are skewed.  They are tainted with darkness and the "What ifs."  To realize this that day in the car stung a little bit.  Maybe it stung because I realized he was right.  Maybe it stung because I thought my significant other already knew this about me.  Or maybe it stung because my life has been made up of so much unhappiness (lately) that to imagine happiness is a little bit scarier than I ever thought it would be.  It was probably a little bit of all of those feelings combined.

We then went out to talk a little bit about what he saw when I talked about a future.  He said he hears me talk about children.  Even getting pregnant.  But then there is always the "if" or "but."  I then tried to explain to him how my naivety has been taken from me, especially when it comes to pregnancy and bringing home a take-home baby.  My odds right now are 0/1.   0%.  That is a terrible percentage to have.  I told him how I am scared, but excited.  Hopeful, yet cautious.  I really don't see it being any other way given what I have been through.  I have those feelings about everything.  Not only pregnancy.  Life.  Scared, but excited about what is yet to come.  Hopeful, yet cautious about what could happen next.  I express that as "realism".  But maybe it is pessimism.  Even if it is, so be it.  This is the way I am.  I cannot help it.  I am better than I was before.  I know this.  But I cannot go back to the way I once was.  And until you truly experience the loss of a child, I don't think you can ever really understand how scary it is, and how hurt and jaded you become because of the situation.

As we had this conversation that day in the car, I knew this was everything he knew already.  But I also started to see a different side to his argument or conversation point.  The part where he wishes things could have been different.  That the pain wasn't there.  That "if" there ever is a chance for us to have a take-home baby from a healthy pregnancy, it is going to be a lot of work.  This isn't something that he is scared of.  I know that.  But it's something that makes the prospect of having a child a little bit jaded for him too.  Unfortunately.  He's walked the road of loss with me, as a friend and now as my partner.  I just think he wishes that there were more dreams occurring in my mind than pessimistic thoughts.  That the idea of moving forward in my life wasn't marred by continued obstacles and the past.  I wish that too....but it was it is.  That's that whole acceptance piece that I have been experiencing lately.  I cannot change what has already happened, but I can move forward taking with me the lessons and moments learned from those past situations. Those lessons and moments brought me to this moment in time.   A moment when I can finally dream about a future.  A future with someone.  A future that may bring me a take-home baby.  A future that I have been waiting for.  Aching for.  Wishing for.  Somehow.  Some way.  Sure, it's got the obstacles...and there will be the many road bumps, maybe even more heartchaches.  But man...what a beautiful story it will be if everything really does come true.  I cannot even begin to imagine...but yet, I want to.  I want to dream.

From this place...

As many of us in this community know, there are days that we wish we could go back.  Back to the world of naivete...back to the moment when we thought something was wrong....or just back to a world or time that felt safe.   This is one of those days for me.  A day when I wish I could just climb a tree and only see what is literally right in front of me or even what I want to see.  See what feels safe and know that I don't need to look back or ahead but just focus on the here and now.  But life just isn't like that.  There are things to do.  Lists.  Priorities.  Dreams.  Yet, I am afraid.  Afraid of what lies ahead.  Afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.  So, instead, I just want to climb my tree and hide.  Hide and wait until the world seems safe enough to stand on the ground again.  I am wobbly now.  Weak.  I have been hurt.  Crushed.  This leads me into a deep and hopeless anxiety over what could come next.  I need hope.  I need reassurance.  I need support.  I need love.  Without these, I cannot take that next step on my own.  The step that leads to my future.  Yes, I can always look back and wish for what was or could have been.  But those days are gone.  At some point, I need to climb that tree and look at where I can go next.  What new tree I can climb.  What new dreams I can pursue.

This One Place

Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie

cardinal landed outside my window

threw his head back and sang a song

so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree

full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and grey with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

29

I never really imagined that I would ever write on a blog talking about wishes I had for my life at 29, but instead I would be fulfilling those dreams and wishes by just living my life. I have seen many blogs in the past couple of weeks in which posts have been aimed towards expectations that haven't been reached or dreams that have been crushed. As we all know, our dreams have all been crushed with the loss of our babies. However, these posts share even deeper thoughts about how we all expected more out of our lives by a certain age or a certain time. Here I am about to turn 29, and all I can think about is what have I really done in 29 years? What have I accomplished of the dreams I set out to pursue so many years ago?

By 29, I figured I would be happily married, have at least one living child, and be in the heart of a graduate school program. I figured I would be looking into buying a house or even have bought one by now. I might even be in a different job at this point in my life. But none of this is true. Not one little thing. And although I know that some good has come out of 29 years on this Earth and there are even times when I'm truly happy, it hurts to see how many dreams have vanished. It hurts to realize that there are dreams at 29 that will never happen now...or maybe not at all. That's what hurts most of all.

But don't get me wrong, as I stated before, there are times when I truly feel happy. December has opened that up for me again. I feel more joy out of just living than I have in the past 2 months. I see some lights at the end of many tunnels. My body even feels better than it did last month. This, in itself, helps me to know that there is hope for tomorrow. That the dreams that I once had for myself may not happen right now, but maybe there are new dreams still to pursue. I have even come to think that Kennedy may be showing me the light in many ways. I feel more connected to people than I ever have before. I feel more ambitious to do things for me. I tend to focus on what's truly important in life. I know that, overall, I have become a better, healthier person. These are all positives about 29. There is a new maturity to me that I may not have had if things had turned out differently. Please, don't get me wrong. I would do anything to have my daughter back with me, but because I don't, I'm trying to see what life has in store for me now. Maybe Kennedy had messages that she needed to send to me now that she couldn't had she physically been here. I don't know....just a thought.

Anyways, on Thursday, I will celebrate another year. And although I feel some sadness in realizing all that I don't have this birthday, I am coming to some realization that there are some things that I do have. And some of these things are good. I'm hoping that 29 is a good year for me. The other day, I sat at support group for infant loss and said that I couldn't wait until 2015. Everyone at support group chuckled and wondered why so far away. I will be 33 years old then. And for me, good things got to be happening by then. They just got to.