"It's not the load that breaks you down,
It's the way you carry it."
~Lena Forde
(shared at The Academy Awards last night)
It's the way you carry it."
~Lena Forde
(shared at The Academy Awards last night)
You know how much it breaks my heart to have to write on here that I'm not doing well. That I'm having a hard day. I know it's all a part of the process, but being the strong-willed person that I am, I hate that the one thing I want to share with the world is that my heart just hurts. It's been over 16 months since my daughter went to Heaven. My Grams continues to fight. And my marriage...well, it's at a standstill. But I hurt for me today. I hurt for what I have lost. What I have wanted. What I should have.
Sure, some of this stems from the fact that I've been sick for an entire week with some crazy virus...including an ear infection and a cough that can be heard throughout my apartment building. I have barely slept in a week. I have tons of work to catch up on, but I have no interest in doing any of it. I would like to say that some of this sadness and frustration is also because I missed support group due to conferences last week, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just due? Maybe it's high time that I'm sad again for awhile?
Do you ever just feel like there are times in your life that you just can't give anymore? Or that you deserve a break? That's kind of what I'm feeling. Like I deserve a break. Like all the bad/sad stuff that continues to happen should just be put on hiatus for little while in order for me to just breathe....and be okay. And I know there's some saying that "God only gives us as much as we can handle" (or something like it), but it just seems to be a lot. Too much. I think He's given me too much. Because I'm having a really hard time carrying this all around with me right now. And if there's another way that I should be carrying it...then please let me know.
This is one of those days where I really miss my life. I miss the life before. I wonder what going back 2+ years would show me. I wonder if I could have fixed something or made it better. No, of course I don't regret Kennedy. I would never regret her or what she brought to my life then or now. It's a different regret. It probably deals more with my marriage than with my baby. But when I think back 2+ years....I just wonder. I see pictures of me then. I don't even know who that girl is. Or what she felt or wanted out of life. Isn't that crazy? I can't even remember. She looks happy. Isn't it funny how much appearance can play tricks on our minds?
I sit here at 29 years old. I feel old beyond my years. I have aged so much in 2 years...not physically, but definitely emotionally. I know it's because I carry a burden with me. A burden to find something to fill the void that has been left in my heart. A void that can only be filled by true love and happiness. If Kennedy was here with me physically, she would fill most of that void. But because she's not, there's a gaping hole. Sure, I've had truly happy moments. I have felt love. But it's still not enough to overcome what I feel. I'm still looking for that...and maybe that's part of the load I am carrying. This load that is wearing me down. Maybe happiness and love are not where I'm looking? Maybe I'm looking too hard? Or maybe it's just not time yet? Who knows? It all seems pretty much out of my control at this point.
You know that point in the Wizard of Oz where the Mayor tells Dorothy to just follow the yellow brick road? And she keeps questioning it? That's me to a "T". I am Dorothy. I want to know why this all has been placed on me. Why I am here. I need answers. But maybe my answers come from the people who are on this journey with me now? Maybe all of you and others that have come into my life are the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Man. Helping me carry my basket (load). I feel that. And I know you are all here for me. Thank you.
Wow, this post is all over the place. I apologize for that. Guess there's just a lot on my mind. Too much. Wish there was a way I could just let my mind rest sometimes. I know that it would ease my soul a little.
Sure, some of this stems from the fact that I've been sick for an entire week with some crazy virus...including an ear infection and a cough that can be heard throughout my apartment building. I have barely slept in a week. I have tons of work to catch up on, but I have no interest in doing any of it. I would like to say that some of this sadness and frustration is also because I missed support group due to conferences last week, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just due? Maybe it's high time that I'm sad again for awhile?
Do you ever just feel like there are times in your life that you just can't give anymore? Or that you deserve a break? That's kind of what I'm feeling. Like I deserve a break. Like all the bad/sad stuff that continues to happen should just be put on hiatus for little while in order for me to just breathe....and be okay. And I know there's some saying that "God only gives us as much as we can handle" (or something like it), but it just seems to be a lot. Too much. I think He's given me too much. Because I'm having a really hard time carrying this all around with me right now. And if there's another way that I should be carrying it...then please let me know.
This is one of those days where I really miss my life. I miss the life before. I wonder what going back 2+ years would show me. I wonder if I could have fixed something or made it better. No, of course I don't regret Kennedy. I would never regret her or what she brought to my life then or now. It's a different regret. It probably deals more with my marriage than with my baby. But when I think back 2+ years....I just wonder. I see pictures of me then. I don't even know who that girl is. Or what she felt or wanted out of life. Isn't that crazy? I can't even remember. She looks happy. Isn't it funny how much appearance can play tricks on our minds?
I sit here at 29 years old. I feel old beyond my years. I have aged so much in 2 years...not physically, but definitely emotionally. I know it's because I carry a burden with me. A burden to find something to fill the void that has been left in my heart. A void that can only be filled by true love and happiness. If Kennedy was here with me physically, she would fill most of that void. But because she's not, there's a gaping hole. Sure, I've had truly happy moments. I have felt love. But it's still not enough to overcome what I feel. I'm still looking for that...and maybe that's part of the load I am carrying. This load that is wearing me down. Maybe happiness and love are not where I'm looking? Maybe I'm looking too hard? Or maybe it's just not time yet? Who knows? It all seems pretty much out of my control at this point.
You know that point in the Wizard of Oz where the Mayor tells Dorothy to just follow the yellow brick road? And she keeps questioning it? That's me to a "T". I am Dorothy. I want to know why this all has been placed on me. Why I am here. I need answers. But maybe my answers come from the people who are on this journey with me now? Maybe all of you and others that have come into my life are the Lion, Scarecrow and Tin Man. Helping me carry my basket (load). I feel that. And I know you are all here for me. Thank you.
Wow, this post is all over the place. I apologize for that. Guess there's just a lot on my mind. Too much. Wish there was a way I could just let my mind rest sometimes. I know that it would ease my soul a little.
Dear Kennedy Kate,
Mommy really hasn't written to you for awhile, even though you know you are always on my mind. I miss you, sweet girl. I miss what my life would be like had you been here. I miss what you should be doing. I miss taking care of you. I miss your love. I feel like I carry a burden, Kennedy. A burden to find the kind of love that you gave me. I want so much to be a good mother to you, but I want so much to be a mother to a baby here on Earth. I ache for that opportunity. I ache for the chance to hold a baby in my arms and call him/her mine. I missed that chance with you. I'm sorry for that. I will never forgive myself for not holding you. For not doing things different. In so many ways, I have very little proof that you were even here. That tears me up inside. The thought that people never even knew. Or will never know. I won't let that happen. Mommy is working on things. She's making sure you are always remembered. Please continue to hold out that light for me, Kennedy. There are times, like today, where it seems dim or flickering, but I know it's there. I know you are my little light and you are helping me carry this load. Thank you, KK.
Love to you always,
Mommy
Mommy really hasn't written to you for awhile, even though you know you are always on my mind. I miss you, sweet girl. I miss what my life would be like had you been here. I miss what you should be doing. I miss taking care of you. I miss your love. I feel like I carry a burden, Kennedy. A burden to find the kind of love that you gave me. I want so much to be a good mother to you, but I want so much to be a mother to a baby here on Earth. I ache for that opportunity. I ache for the chance to hold a baby in my arms and call him/her mine. I missed that chance with you. I'm sorry for that. I will never forgive myself for not holding you. For not doing things different. In so many ways, I have very little proof that you were even here. That tears me up inside. The thought that people never even knew. Or will never know. I won't let that happen. Mommy is working on things. She's making sure you are always remembered. Please continue to hold out that light for me, Kennedy. There are times, like today, where it seems dim or flickering, but I know it's there. I know you are my little light and you are helping me carry this load. Thank you, KK.
Love to you always,
Mommy
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12 comments:
I too am 29 and yet so much older. I always think about how I feel aged beyond my years. You are entitled to have these days and it is okay. We all have them. Hope you feel better and sending so much love your way!
Thinking of you during this difficult time and remembering Kennedy.
I know I often wish thaat people I know in real life would remember Acacia more and speak of her, and I know some of my real life friends and family just can't give me what I want/need because they have never lost a child and can't even begin to imagine my life after my daughter's death. So as one of your blogger friends and as a fellow BLM - know that I remember Kennedy, and hold her close to my heart.
Much love to you.
Sending you hugs! Don't ever apologize for expressing your true feelings...we all have those days. I'm so sorry you're hurting and I hope you will feel better soon!
sorry you are having a rough time right now, just let it out.. and hoping hoping your load will lighten soon
Sorry I have not been around much lately - but I want you to know that I've had you in my thoughts and prayers the last few weeks. I am sorry to read that you are having an especially hard time right now.
I'm not fond of the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle. You have had to carry A LOT - and it's not fair at all. I wish I could do something to make it better.
I don't know all the answers, but I do know that the horrible feelings you are going through do not last forever. You will always be sad and miss your daughter, of course. But it won't always be this terrible.
Sending big hugs!
I saw this quote last night, and felt it resonate deep within me as well. Some days the load is easier to bear than others, and I am incredibly sorry you are going through this!!
Every "bereaved parent" (btw, I hate that terminology) has good days and bad days. On my awful days I really just try to focus all of that negative energy into something, anything that makes me feel like I am helping someone, or making a difference. It doesn't have to be anything big, just one small thing to take away some of the fear, guilt, and weight of not being able to hold my son.
I also agree with you about the quote about God giving us we can handle. The first time someone said that to me, I wanted to smack them! How in the world can God know what I can handle, and how can I not be upset that I am one of the people that has to "handle" this?!
I really hope things start to feel a little better. I hope that we can be of some help, support & guidance. I hope you know that Kennedy is thought of often and so are you!!
Wishing you peace as you carry Kennedy in your heart. Hugs!!!!
So sorry you are having a bad day. I'm thinking of you and praying for you to have peace today. Hugs mama....
I saw that quote last night and immediately took note of it, too. I hate that things have been so rough lately. This grief business just isn't easy, not to mention the additional areas of stress that you've been dealing with over the recent months. I definitely hope some form of a break comes your way *soon*. In the meantime, let it out. We're all here to listen and be that open ear. :)
You and your sweet Kennedy are always on my mind. Many hugs to you, my friend.
I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. I hope the pain lifts a bit for you soon. Thinking of you and your sweet Kennedy. xx
I don't think there is one single person who "always is doing well" we have all had our own personal Shit storm to deal with.. Most days we are graceful and others.. well not so much.. Hang tight.. just hold on for the next wave of peace. Grief is a sneaky you know what..
You have had so much to deal with lately, it's no wonder you feel the way you do. I wish I could help you carry your load. If you ever need an understanding ear, I'm here for you.
P.S. I wrote down Lena's quote, as well. Wherever she is, she touched a lot of us that night.
You're not alone. Every word you just said is beautiful to me.. You worded everything I wish I could say perfect. I lost my best friend in high school, it's been 3 years n I haven't thought about it much but your so right. There is a huge hole in my heart that no one can fix. No one can give me the love n support I need to fill this hole n I'm so sad bc of it. I send so many healing thoughts n prayers your way. You deserve to be happy
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