A letdown...

Hello my dear blogging friends,

It's been awhile...and again, I know that I owe some giveaway prizes, so the winners will be announced either tonight still or tomorrow. But I had to write tonight because there's been a lot on my mind, and I finally have some time to get it all out. As most of you know, I have been dealing with the illness of my grandmother. Well, the illness has been deemed terminal, and as of last week, my "Grams", has gone to live at my aunt's house with the intention that she will never go home again. The doctors said they could do no more for her, and it's up to her family and Hospice to care for her needs whatever they may be. The objective now is to make her life bearable...and pain free....and enjoyable the best we can. As many of you probably know, this is a very difficult task for anyone. My Grams is an extremely independent and strong-willed person. This is not the kind of life she wants for herself, nor does she want this for any of the people she loves most in the world. She hates the idea of being a burden. See, my Grams tells her family that she is scared. But what most of my family members don't understand is that my Grams is most scared of leaving behind a "mess" or bringing sadness to her family. She loves us all so much....just as we all love our children. She hates the idea of bringing pain to any of us. Yet she realizes that her leaving will bring us pain, even if only for a little while. So, she is scared for us. She's not scared for herself. My Grams knows where she will go next and with whom she will be with. My Grams will go to Heaven. She will be with her parents, her nephew, her baby brother, her very own babies, and my sweet Kennedy. She sees all the positives of what Heaven will be like for her. But yet....right now, that's not where she is. Right now, my Grams suffers. My Grams is in pain. My Grams is sad. And there is so little I can do for her.

This leads into the next part of my post....the letdown. As I sat by her bedside on Thursday, I told my Grams how much I love her. I told her how much I am like her. And my Grams looked at me and said, "Oh, Alissa, I wish I was more like you. " Here she was again, putting me first. She had looked at me with tears in her eyes...and constant pain...and put me on that pedestal. And all I could do is thank her and squeeze her hand. I can't do anything more. I can only be there....and do what I can to make this situation easier. But it's not easy....and there's such a feeling of letdown. Because as I watch my Grams potentially dying, I know that she never had the opportunity to hold her great-granddaughter on Earth. We'll never have the chance to have a 4 generations picture. Or spend holidays together.

When I lost Kennedy, I lost all of those opportunities. I wanted so much to give my "6" grandparents a great-grandchild that they could spend time with....love....watch grow up for as long as they were around. They all wanted that too. Because Kennedy didn't make it....and now for other reasons...they may never have that chance. It's a terrible feeling. All I could think about on Thursday is how much joy Kennedy would have brought to my Grams as she laid in bed that day. Kennedy may have been walking...babbling....etc. I can imagine her smiling and touching my Grams hand. Maybe even Grams would hold her hand. And I know....and hope to know that Grams and Kennedy will be together sooner than I will ever be with my little girl. But in times like Thursday...and in the days ahead...there is nothing I can give my Grams that could top anything that my daughter could have given her. I know that, which makes it extremely hard to deal with the overwhelming sense of being a letdown to those I love most. I do know that there is nothing I could do about the loss of Kennedy....but it is still one of those situations that hits you where and when you hurt the most.