What I will overcome....

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know ~who you are ~what you can rise from ~and how you can still come out of it. " — Maya Angelou

The word "defeat": beaten or overcome; not victorious; "the defeated enemy"

To be defeated....to be overcome....to not win. To be the one at the end of the game who "lost." To be the one who fought tooth and nail for something but came up just short. Sounds very similar to what we have all felt after the loss of our children. A feeling of "loss". A feeling of "just coming up short." A feeling of incompetence. A feeling of not fulfilling our dreams.

I think we all do a lot of wondering...worrying....thinking about the what ifs. I know that we question the world. Our faith. Our health. Etc. We question it all because we try to make sense of a very senseless situation. I know that I have even had a very difficult time with the phrase, "Things always happen for a reason." When people would say that to me, I wanted to hit them. Ask them what reason there could possibly be for the death of a baby. Ask them why if there is an All Mighty God that He would take away something so innocent and precious as a child. There didn't seem to be a reason whatsoever. I didn't want to listen to the reasons. I just wanted my baby with me.

Although I still have issues with that phrase particularly because I feel that it's overused. I have come to find ways to think about the reasons. I may be more rational in my thinking of what Kennedy's life would have been like. What my life would by like. And the possibility of that it just wasn't meant to be. These reasons don't take away the pain. I think they just make me think clearer and maybe reach a level of acceptance of what my life is like now and what is yet to come.

This new level of acceptance takes me to the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. "

There is a new level of understanding in me. A new level of compassion and empathy. A better understanding of some of the purposes that I am fulfilling in my life and in that of others. It doesn't take away my pain. Or my sense of loss. Yet, it gives me something else to think about. I feel the need to help others that have experienced similar tragedies such as we have. I feel the need to teach others about the journey through grief. A desire to help others understand that it is a life-long process and journey. I have renewed strength in figuring out where my life is headed and what path will take me there. It's interesting that one event has completely changed who I am....and what effect my life and Kennedy's will have on others.

Because in my mind, I have been defeated. I have been hurt...I have come up short. I don't have my baby here with me. The baby I went through hell to keep. For some "reason," it just wasn't meant to be. Yes, of course, Kennedy was sick. I was sick. But things like that can be overcome and lived with. However, that wasn't the case for me or for my baby. Kennedy is a gift to me no matter where she is. And she is a gift to others. Kennedy has left me with dreams to fulfill and people to touch. This "defeat" will continue to be a life-long journey. A journey to teach me ~who I am ~what I can rise from (which is a lot) and ~how I can come out of it (which I will always be learning). I won't enjoy the ride without my baby, but I will make the most of it in her memory.