What should have been....

I don't want to go off on another tangent or rage about what I should or shouldn't have in my life.  But this is one of those moments that I needed to write.  To vent.  To express my sadness over another loss that is occurring in my life.  The loss of my marriage. My marriage to Kennedy's father. 

As of about a week and a half ago, Kennedy's father and I met to discuss what we were feeling and where we thought we were heading with this marriage.  Although, the conversation didn't start off like that, I knew exactly where it was heading.  All it took was for me to ask him, "What are you feeling about us?"  And suddenly, there was the answer.  The answer that I think I knew has been there for quite some time and may have even prepared for but really wasn't ready for.  He simply answered that Easter had been really hard on him since it was the first holiday he hadn't been a part of with my family.  On that day, he looked up divorce papers and started filling them out.  This was at the end of April.  At that moment, I was shocked.  I was hurt.  But these were all emotions I thought I had prepared myself for.  But it still hurt.  I was still shocked.  And tears sprang to my eyes.  I didn't know what to say.  All I could do was look at the papers and realize that this was really happening.  My marriage of five years was coming to a close.  Eleven total years together.  We were kids when we fell in love.  And growing into adults had changed us.  We had not grown together....we had grown apart.  And that's why we didn't work anymore.  This is obviously only part of the reason...but I would prefer not to go into details.

As I got up to leave the apartment where we had lost Kennedy, I told him that I would try to pick up the rest of my things soon. He didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry, but I felt the need to rid him of all of my stuff.  He deserved a fresh start.  A new beginning.  And obviously, reminders of me wouldn't help that.  Then, I walked out of the apartment.  I carried a bag of garbage to the dump and made my way to my car parked in front of the apartment complex.  I started pulling away and saw Kennedy's father walk out.  It was obvious he had been crying.  I felt terrible.  Confused.  Frustrated.  But completely empathetic.  I couldn't leave him like that.  We needed to do this on a better note.  After all, we had spent eleven years together.  Graduated high school and college together.  Celebrated marriages of friends and family.  Celebrated some new babies.  Figured out how to live on our own free "somewhat" from our parents.  We had taken those first steps of adulthood together.  We had decided to have a baby.  Then lost a baby and grieved.   So, as I watched him walk away with tears, I pulled up in my car and told him to get in.  We then talked more...shared happy memories...and were able to walk away knowing that we would always have a special connection thank you to our daughter. 

Ever since that day I feel like I have been on a whirlwind of emotions.  Guilt for not making things work...if anything for our daughter.  Sadness for what should have been.  Anger for the time that has been lost and the unhappiness that has occurred because of the situation.  Jealously towards all of those whose life appears to be perfect...and who are achieving their "happily ever after."  Afraid of what people will perceive of me and my life.  I feel the need to guard my heart again.  I don't really want to see anyone.  Talk to anyone.  Share this part of my life.  I'm embarrassed. My life was supposed to be so different five years ago when I took those vows on June 24, 2006.  I was supposed to get the happy ending story.  Where is that life?  What happened? 

And yet, as we all know, life goes on.  So, I put on my happy face and keep moving ahead.  Very few people in my life even know that Kennedy's father and I had this talk.  I'm just not ready yet to share, which has always been my mantra.  I thought I had done some growing since losing Kennedy.  I thought I was learning to open up and share.  But now, I'm turning into that chameleon again.  I'm shutting down.  Putting the walls up.  Only time will tell when I'm ready to share...hopefully those that have always shown me love will still be there to help break down the walls and support me again.  Until then, I will grieve.  I will grieve differently than before.  But I will grieve for the hopes and dreams that I once shared with Kennedy's father.  I will grieve for my marriage. I will grieve for lost love.  

"I've built a wall not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it." ~Unknown~