“Tears are words the heart can't express"
And so they came. Tears that is. The tears that have been away for awhile. Tears that I actually didn't push away but were actually gone. But the tears have arrived with the month of February. And they continue to show up.
On Sunday night, February 12, 2012 (2/12/12), the newest family member arrived. Little B to my cousins in New York. This is the baby I posted about last time who was due on Kennedy's due date. I am grateful she arrived healthy, but I am also grateful she arrived early. Not only was I worried about Kennedy's due date but the anniversary of my Grams' passing is just around the corner too (the 28th). I am so very happy for my cousins. But I can't hide my jealousy. Bitterness. And sadness. My baby was due in February two years ago. Yet she's not here. She never will be here (in a physical sense). It hurts. I have been in touch with my aunt and cousins quite often regarding the arrival of this little one wanting only the best for them and this baby. I did all of that because I truly care. But when the day came that she was here and the description of "brown curls" came via text, I couldn't help but let the tears fall.
A little girl with brown curls. How absolutely perfect. Born on a very special day in February. I could no longer avoid the pain and sadness I felt at that moment. And so the tears expressed what I felt as I made the trip to school that day. The tears were able to be wiped away before I walked into school that day and pushed all the emotion away until a more appropriate time. Three to five year olds need a happy, peppy Miss Alissa. So, that's who I became that day. That's who I need to be most days.
But the tears continue to show up at various times this month. Tears that express my innermost emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, jealousy, joy, hope, anticipation, etc. But they typically fall pretty silently these days. They fall at the most interesting moments....random commercials, random movies, random songs, random thoughts. But, of course, they relate most to what I have lost. At times, I think the tears hurt more now because I try so very hard to push them away. I am so very sick of being sad...but sadness seems to continue to haunt me. It doesn't go away no matter how hard I try to push it away. And then the tears come. They come as a reminder. My reminder. I have lost. There is no getting away from that. And it still hurts after all this time. Kennedy. Grams. Friendships long gone. A life that I expected to have. Gone. My heart continues to yearn for what is gone. And the tears will always come. They will continue to express those feelings even when I want most for them to just go away.
A little girl with brown curls. How absolutely perfect. Born on a very special day in February. I could no longer avoid the pain and sadness I felt at that moment. And so the tears expressed what I felt as I made the trip to school that day. The tears were able to be wiped away before I walked into school that day and pushed all the emotion away until a more appropriate time. Three to five year olds need a happy, peppy Miss Alissa. So, that's who I became that day. That's who I need to be most days.
But the tears continue to show up at various times this month. Tears that express my innermost emotions. Fear, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, jealousy, joy, hope, anticipation, etc. But they typically fall pretty silently these days. They fall at the most interesting moments....random commercials, random movies, random songs, random thoughts. But, of course, they relate most to what I have lost. At times, I think the tears hurt more now because I try so very hard to push them away. I am so very sick of being sad...but sadness seems to continue to haunt me. It doesn't go away no matter how hard I try to push it away. And then the tears come. They come as a reminder. My reminder. I have lost. There is no getting away from that. And it still hurts after all this time. Kennedy. Grams. Friendships long gone. A life that I expected to have. Gone. My heart continues to yearn for what is gone. And the tears will always come. They will continue to express those feelings even when I want most for them to just go away.
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6 comments:
I've been struggling with the tears as well. I hate that I can't be happy about the news and photo of new babies without feeling terribly jealous. I feel your pain and hope we both can snap out of it soon.
I know how you feel Alissa. When my niece was born, I had the exact same feelings. I was jealous that another little girl was born into this world, when mine was not. And I felt like crying all day. I can not imagine what it would have been like if she'd been born during September, when Lily was supposed to have arrived.
I'm sorry this happened. But remember it's good (and healthy!) to cry. Sending hugs.
I've been having a crying week and just feel drained, so I get that feeling of 'tired'. There are things I"m thankful for and there are good things in my life, but I can't help but focus on the sadness and loss. The tears help, I feel better afterwards, and I think I just need to cry - so let it out.
I've been struggling with this as well. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I not truly happy seeing babies born safely, without any events, without any trouble? Knowing about the birth of healthy, living baby boys among friends or family just grips my heart with sadness and envy. Healthy, uneventful births happen every minute of every day, but it really, really sucks that we have been on the other side of that. Thinking of you and your little girl, Kennedy. May she give you extra loving in all this. <3
I'm so sorry sweetie. Sending you a hug. I know you have lost a lot, but there will be more happiness...don't lose hope! Love you!
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for all that is gone from your life and that sadness is like a heavy quilt on you now.
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