Tears

“Tears are words the heart can't express"

And so they came.  Tears that is.  The tears that have been away for awhile.  Tears that I actually didn't push away but were actually gone.  But the tears have arrived with the month of February.  And they continue to show up.  

On Sunday night, February 12, 2012 (2/12/12), the newest family member arrived.  Little B to my cousins in New York.  This is the baby I posted about last time who was due on Kennedy's due date.  I am grateful she arrived healthy, but I am also grateful she arrived early.  Not only was I worried about Kennedy's due date but the anniversary of my Grams' passing is just around the corner too (the 28th).  I am so very happy for my cousins.  But I can't hide my jealousy.  Bitterness.  And sadness.  My baby was due in February two years ago. Yet she's not here.  She never will be here (in a physical sense).  It hurts.  I have been in touch with my aunt and cousins quite often regarding the arrival of this little one wanting only the best for them and this baby.  I did all of that because I truly care.  But when the day came that she was here and the description of "brown curls" came via text, I couldn't help but let the tears fall.  


A little girl with brown curls.  How absolutely perfect.  Born on a very special day in February.  I could no longer avoid the pain and sadness I felt at that moment.  And so the tears expressed what I felt as I made the trip to school that day.  The tears were able to be wiped away before I walked into school that day and pushed all the emotion away until a more appropriate time.  Three to five year olds need a happy, peppy Miss Alissa.  So, that's who I became that day.  That's who I need to be most days.


But the tears continue to show up at various times this month.  Tears that express my innermost emotions.  Fear, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, jealousy, joy, hope, anticipation, etc.  But they typically fall pretty silently these days.  They fall at the most interesting moments....random commercials, random movies, random songs, random thoughts.  But, of course, they relate most to what I have lost.  At times, I think the tears hurt more now because I try so very hard to push them away.  I am so very sick of being sad...but sadness seems to continue to haunt me.  It doesn't go away no matter how hard I try to push it away.  And then the tears come.  They come as a reminder.  My reminder.  I have lost.  There is no getting away from that.  And it still hurts after all this time.  Kennedy.  Grams. Friendships long gone. A life that I expected to have.  Gone.  My heart continues to yearn for what is gone.  And the tears will always come.  They will continue to express those feelings even when I want most for them to just go away.  

Another guardian angel

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

~Eskimo Proverb

Heaven received another angel yesterday....in the form of an amazing woman, my Grams. Grams went to sleep forever peacefully dreaming of her family. She left this world knowing love. She entered Heaven greeted with open arms by so many loved ones that she has missed. Heaven is just a little sweeter place today because she is there. Love you always, Grams.

A letdown...

Hello my dear blogging friends,

It's been awhile...and again, I know that I owe some giveaway prizes, so the winners will be announced either tonight still or tomorrow. But I had to write tonight because there's been a lot on my mind, and I finally have some time to get it all out. As most of you know, I have been dealing with the illness of my grandmother. Well, the illness has been deemed terminal, and as of last week, my "Grams", has gone to live at my aunt's house with the intention that she will never go home again. The doctors said they could do no more for her, and it's up to her family and Hospice to care for her needs whatever they may be. The objective now is to make her life bearable...and pain free....and enjoyable the best we can. As many of you probably know, this is a very difficult task for anyone. My Grams is an extremely independent and strong-willed person. This is not the kind of life she wants for herself, nor does she want this for any of the people she loves most in the world. She hates the idea of being a burden. See, my Grams tells her family that she is scared. But what most of my family members don't understand is that my Grams is most scared of leaving behind a "mess" or bringing sadness to her family. She loves us all so much....just as we all love our children. She hates the idea of bringing pain to any of us. Yet she realizes that her leaving will bring us pain, even if only for a little while. So, she is scared for us. She's not scared for herself. My Grams knows where she will go next and with whom she will be with. My Grams will go to Heaven. She will be with her parents, her nephew, her baby brother, her very own babies, and my sweet Kennedy. She sees all the positives of what Heaven will be like for her. But yet....right now, that's not where she is. Right now, my Grams suffers. My Grams is in pain. My Grams is sad. And there is so little I can do for her.

This leads into the next part of my post....the letdown. As I sat by her bedside on Thursday, I told my Grams how much I love her. I told her how much I am like her. And my Grams looked at me and said, "Oh, Alissa, I wish I was more like you. " Here she was again, putting me first. She had looked at me with tears in her eyes...and constant pain...and put me on that pedestal. And all I could do is thank her and squeeze her hand. I can't do anything more. I can only be there....and do what I can to make this situation easier. But it's not easy....and there's such a feeling of letdown. Because as I watch my Grams potentially dying, I know that she never had the opportunity to hold her great-granddaughter on Earth. We'll never have the chance to have a 4 generations picture. Or spend holidays together.

When I lost Kennedy, I lost all of those opportunities. I wanted so much to give my "6" grandparents a great-grandchild that they could spend time with....love....watch grow up for as long as they were around. They all wanted that too. Because Kennedy didn't make it....and now for other reasons...they may never have that chance. It's a terrible feeling. All I could think about on Thursday is how much joy Kennedy would have brought to my Grams as she laid in bed that day. Kennedy may have been walking...babbling....etc. I can imagine her smiling and touching my Grams hand. Maybe even Grams would hold her hand. And I know....and hope to know that Grams and Kennedy will be together sooner than I will ever be with my little girl. But in times like Thursday...and in the days ahead...there is nothing I can give my Grams that could top anything that my daughter could have given her. I know that, which makes it extremely hard to deal with the overwhelming sense of being a letdown to those I love most. I do know that there is nothing I could do about the loss of Kennedy....but it is still one of those situations that hits you where and when you hurt the most.

A prayer request

My dear Baby Loss Families and Angels,

I am making a request to all of you during this very difficult time of year. As you pray for peace, support, love, baby angels, and rainbow babies, may you find some room to pray for my grandmother, "Grams" (as I affectionately call her). Two weeks ago, she fell and broke her hip and wrist. Since then, she has taken a turn for the worse and is now fighting pneumonia in ICU. After already beating cancer and dealing with emphysema, Grams is now fighting to breathe and stay comfortable. She has been a pillar of strength for me this past year as she is a Baby Loss Momma herself over fifty years ago. She lost two baby boys at different times (both at 7 months gestation). I believe that my uncles are up in heaven with all of our babies waiting for their mother to finally come Home, but I'm not ready for her to go just yet. I still really need her.... She's my rock. She's my hero. She's my inspiration to go on when things get really tough. So, please....when and if you have time, please add her to your prayer list.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to you all.