A couple of months ago, I decided to see my naturopathic doctor again to discuss the possibility of looking at my hormone levels due to the consistent and extremely painful discomfort that occurs right around ovulation or my "most fertile days". Although the test is quite expensive, I knew that it was the route that I wanted to take to at least see what could possibly be going on with me. I just recently sent the results of a month long saliva (gross...I know) test and am now awaiting an appointment to discuss the results with my doctor. I really don't know why I am filled with worry...or fear. I want answers. I want something to go on...so that I can look and figure out what will help. Up until now, several doctors have been drawing at straws...throwing meds my way, offering diet changes, etc. Nothing has helped. And I need help. I am sick of this pain. The pain that, coincidentally, started about 2 months after I lost my daughter. The pain that I have now been dealing with for over 2 years. It needs to end because it is a constant reminder. A bad reminder. I don't need anymore bad reminders. I have enough of those. But because of this pain, it always takes me back to what would or could I have done differently. Which also leads to me the thought of "if it happened again..."
If it happened again, I would do so many things differently. I would deliver...regardless of how far along I was. The natural progression of pregnancy is to deliver. My body was preparing to do that with Kennedy. When she died, that progression was hindered, but not completely stopped until I had the d&e. It is unnatural for a baby to be taken from your body the way mine was. It didn't make sense. I think my body knew that, which may be the cause of all my pain now. No, I do not know that for sure, and I may never know but it is the thought process I have. After delivering, I would want to see my baby. Hold my baby (if possible). Make as many memories as I can regardless of what she/he would look like. I regret that every single day because I was afraid. I didn't know any better. And I didn't have a lot of support. No one argued with me. No one said, "You should want to see her." So, I didn't, but I would if it ever happened again.
I would know all the "right" things to do in a very horrible situation. I would hold a memorial. I would put together an obituary. I would make sure others knew about him/her to focus on the "realness" of the situation and the human being that had been lost. But, as I begin to think about everything that I would do differently if it happened again, do realize how hard it would be to do all the "right" things for one but not the other. Where is the equality in that? How would that be fair to Kennedy? My first born. How could a mother choose to do things differently and not equally? What an absolutely terrible thing to ponder. Equality for two dead babies. But, I guess in this world nothing is off limits...including equality for dead babies. It makes me sick just thinking about it. But I know it happens. I am sorry to all of you who have to go through this....not only once, but more than once. How you survived...I will never know. Or...I hope to never know. At this point, I am still in the mindset that if I had the chance, I would do it all over again. Try to have a baby. Be "Joyfully" pregnant. Make memories as soon as possible. But if... If. I have absolutely no idea.
Repeat: Subconcious Levels
8 hours ago
">
9 comments:
I hope that the doctors are able to find out what is going on. I hate that you have had so much physical pain which I can only imagine compounds the emotional pain. My heart is aching for you. I wish you could have seen sweet Kennedy as well. But how does one know how to handle such a situation? The shock and grief are overwhelming. I truly hope that you never have to make the gut-wrenching decision of how to handle another loss. Sending you support and love. xoxo
Dear Alissa,
Gosh honey, you are so not alone in all of this, I assure you. I relate to so much of what you just wrote.
First I wanted to let you know that I have the same physical pains that you do (it was making me double over in pain), my doctors tell me its endometrosis, and its gets "angered" (actual doctors words) during ovulation and period time. The way they have helped me at this point is birth control pills since October(damn those pills, but they work), because keeping the hormone balance level will keep from angering the tissue. I am still debating what I want to do next, I do not want to be on these pills until menopause. Just something to ponder, or look into to see if that is what is going on with you. I wish you the best in figuring it out.
Second, oh my, second...it is so hard for me to write this...I held my babies for a short while, but I could not look at them. I feel like I was so naive, I had no idea what to do I didnt know babies died...all I knew is that I felt like if I saw them, I wouldnt be able to give them back and run out of the hospital like a crazy person...my husband wound up doing most of that part of things...but I so regret it, but I didnt know. I didnt know. This is one of the main and many reasons I cannot write out my birth story completely detailed. These things are never going to leave my mind, they haunt me. Then, the entire time I was pregnant with Autumn, I was preparing myself for a loss instead of preparing for her arrival safely, knowing that I knew what I had to do if I lost her because now I know what I could have done...I would fight harder, do more and more, do pictures, hold her for a day, etc etc...but you bring up a good point, would that have been fair to my triplet girls? I dont know. Very gratefully and thankfully I have Autumn, but it was incredibly hard. I just wanted to share that. Not sure if it helped or hurt to read this, but I am sending you big hugs, and hoping atleast one negative reminder goes away soon. xoxoxo Nan
I think it is perfectly fair to act in the way you describe above. You did the absolute best you could do for Kennedy at the time, and if (God forbid) you were in such a situation again you would do your absolute best for them.
The fact that you have greater knowledge now is irrelevant and you must remember that you keep Kennedy alive in the hearts of many people across the world.
xxx
I hope that your Drs can give you some answers as to what is going. It is scary not knowing what is going on inside your body. I am sorry that you have regrets and that you didn't get to see your precious daughter. Shock is a hard thing to navigate as is grief.
I hope that you never have to face this situation again. My heart breaks all over again for those who do. Sending you love and support, my friend. <3
I pray that you can get some anwsers! I would hate for you to have to go through this again. I think of you often sweet mama!
Oh friend...what we'd all do if we could do it differently...or have to do it again.
Please let me just say...even IF you have to do it again, you have no idea of what to do in that moment. I just cried in my doctor's arms..."Tell me what to do. I don't even know what to do."
Losing Matthew prepared me for some things with losing this littlest one, but not for all...and it couldn't...because they were two different people. Completely. Different relationship. Different situations. Different.
But the same in that they were both my children. Both loved. Both wanted.
SO, yes, you'd use your experiences some, but some...you'd just have to let experience use you. And we'd all be here to support you. Reading that no one told you you should want to hold her stings. I WANTED to hold this baby we just lost (because I couldn't with Matthew) and people thought I was nuts. You are right. There is just no equality for dead babies. I'm so sorry, sweet friend. So, so sorry.
I hope you are able to find some answers. Sending you lots of love!
I know many of us wish we could do some things differently but we do the best that we can at that time with what we know.
Hoping that your drs can give you some answers xo
Someone told me once that firstborn children have a special place in God's heart because they had to be our "guinea pigs". We learn a lot from that first child. I know in my heart that Kennedy understands what you're feeling. I believe that our angels have been granted some kind of infinite wisdom, even though they are so young in our minds, and that they know and understand more about our hearts, souls, regrets and sorrows than we can even imagine. Just know that no matter what, you are her mama and she loves you as much as you love her. Hugs to you, Alissa!
Jen
Post a Comment