Am I really "ok?"

What is the point of "being ok?"  It's not happy.  It's not sad.   It's not even angry or frustrated.  What really is "ok"?  According to the definition, "Ok" is: Satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.  ie. "the flight was OK".  


What?! Satisfactory?  Really.... is that where I am?  Today is not the best day for me to think about being satisfactory, maybe.  Satisfactory....let's look that up next.  Satisfactory is: Fulfilling expectations or needs; acceptable, though not outstanding or perfect.  


Yep, I really didn't think so.  Fulfilling of needs...yep, probably.  Fulfilling of expectations.  Not even close.  Closer than I was.  Yes.  But close.  Close is tomorrow.  Close is an hour from now.  That is what close is.  I am not close.  Therefore, my expectations are not being met.  And, I am not "ok."  I am nothing.  I have no words.  I don't know how to teach my emotion.  I just "am." How I ever thought I was "ok" is kind of a joke, but I must have had at some point. I didn't know the definition then.  Because if I was there before I don't know how I am here now.  Although, life has happened again.  Maybe that is it...


Yesterday, I experienced the birth of yet another baby of my friends being born.  I am starting to think I have too many friends. Or wait...too many friends that are having babies. That has to be it.  Too many friends having babies.  (sorry to all of my blms having babies).  Healthy babies.  Happy babies.  Happy families.  Happy friends.  Happy parties.  And then...there is me.  Happy is not a word I use often.  Maybe in..."happy birthday".  But that is about it.    I hate to be a downer.  I hate to sound pathetic.  Sad.  Lonely.  Seflish.  Pitiful.  Jealous.  But I am.  I want my friends to have healthy babies.  Happy babies.  Happy family.  Etc. Etc.  I really do.  Because I love my friends.  Most of them.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  IT HURTS EVERY SINGLE TIME.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  


I never ever thought that my crazy party friend.  The one guy that I thought may have a very difficult time getting married because he just enjoyed partying, dating, hanging out too much, etc. would be the same guy who got married less than 2 years ago and now has a beautiful baby girl that was delivered by his amazing wife on his birthday.  What an amazing gift!  How do people get so lucky? Honestly.  I want to know.  I want to know what I did.  How did my life get to this point?  


Again, I will emphasize my unhappiness with a major "ick."  I hate this feeling.  I have been here before.  And I realize part of it is just to due to the timing.  Babies being born.  School ending.  Stress level high.  Hormone levels all over the place (I will write about that a different time).  But it all adds up to this moment.  A moment I wish wasn't here at all.  To feel like this is not "ok."  It's still not really "ok" after all this time.  I have positives, and I recognize those and will write about those at a different time too.  It's just the moment.  A moment where I needed to vent.  Write.  Share.  Wallow in my sadness.  This is where I am right now.  In this moment.  And this is not an "ok" time.  I am neither satisfactory nor especially good.  I hate this moment.  I want it to be different.  I wish I could change it.  But I can't.  It's the hand I was dealt.  The pain is there.  It will always be there.  It lessens every once and awhile...but it's always there.  There is no cure.  Or if there is...I haven't found it yet.  Maybe someday?  Maybe sometime?  And if I do...will I be "ok" then?  Really, truly "ok?"