Today I said good-bye again. But not in the way that many think of immediately in this baby loss world. This time the good-bye was to a marriage. My marriage to Kennedy's daddy. Although in many ways I feel like today was more a formality than the actual ending since we haven't been together in over a year now; however, it closes out a journey...a chapter.
Eleven years is a long chapter, so maybe it was a couple of chapters, but nevertheless, I was forced to turn the page. We started this process around April of this year, and today, I was told that I was officially a "non-married" person. Wow...non-married. It sounds almost surreal, especially when I have spent the last five as a "married" person, and even before that, felt married for most of my relationship with Kennedy's father.
High school sweethearts. College sweethearts. Engaged at a parade in front of our entire hometown. Bucky Badger attended our wedding. Grand marshals at the Magic Kingdom parade. Parents to a much-wanted daughter. And yet, despite all the wonderful events and opportunities that life granted us, we didn't grow together. Life happened and it changed us.
I really never thought something like this would happen to me...but again, I didn't think that I would lose my only daughter two years ago either. It's just hard to imagine where life is going to take me. I do see happy times and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet today one is of those days where the sadness has completely made the world feel very dark again. I even caught myself crying at work today in front of two of my co-workers. This is not something that ever happens. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until I find a time to cry by myself or blog about it here. But today kind of rocked me, despite the formality of it all. Today gave me a sense of finality. Closure. Maybe the tears are of relief? Yes, definitely of sadness, but maybe the tears came because I can finally come to terms with what happened. So, I can start to finally concentrate on me and accept who I am and where life has taken me. It's all still very much a mystery at this point, but I'm hoping that time will lead me to the answers.
After leaving the courthouse and driving home, I knew I needed to stop and visit my baby girl. Kennedy will always be a part of her father and me, and she is the one connection that will always bring us back together. I can't tell you that if Kennedy had lived her father and I would be together today, but I do believe that we would have put her first. So, today was my day to apologize to her for what happened. See, I know Kennedy watches over both of us, so I also know that she has seen our sadness and pain. I can't stand that. I don't like anyone to ever feel sorry for me or to worry about me, much less my little girl. That is not her job, nor is it fair to her to have to see her mother upset, angry and hurt. She's just a baby. If she was here on Earth those are all emotions that I would hide from her. Now, she's up in Heaven away from me, and she sees everything. That is so hard. I wish so much that things could have been different between her father and I. That we could have showed her how we could be happy and in love again. But that was not "meant to be." We tried. And while we tried, we hurt even more.
So much of my life was built around my marriage and all of our hopes and dreams for the future. And we did have some of the same dreams, but now, I am forced to follow many of them on my own. My one hope for both of us despite the distance is that we are able to stay in touch, remember the good times, be happy and always carry the love of our daughter deep in our hearts.
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