Adjusting my sails...

*This post was started in February...and completed in April.  So it feels a little discombobulated when reading the top half to the bottom half.  Bear with me.  And bear with this post.  I loved the quote too much to give up on the half-written attempt, so I stuck with it.  But I definitely am in a different place than where I was in February.

"She stood in the storm, 

and when the wind did not blow her away,

she adjusted her sails."

~Elizabeth Edwards

I have been standing in the storm for quite awhile now.  Maybe even too long, but who is counting.  We have all been through a lot, so please let me retract that last statement.  I have been standing in my storm for awhile. There are puddles at the bottom of my feet...maybe in the case of a Wisconsin girl, there are even piles of snow.  And it feels like a very long time. But it takes a long time to adjust sails that have been in place for days, months, years.  It's hard to adjust.  It's taking a lot of time.  And energy.  

Energy to change.  Energy to adjust.  That has to come from within.  There has to be a huge desire to make something different than it already is.  And for someone who often feels like she has been hit by a "mack truck" of sadness and loss, I have found that sometimes I don't have the energy to do much more.  

Right now, I feel like I am in a crazy place.  Stuck.  Stuck between this "old" Alissa and the "new" Alissa.  The "new" Alissa was more prevalent about six months after the loss of Kennedy.  And I figured the "old" Alissa was never to be seen or heard from again, but she has started to resurface.  Especially in the last four or five months.  I feel more like "her" than I have in over two years.  Which is really weird because I almost feel so much like "her" that it's like I forget all that has happened.  Of course, I am quickly entered into the painful past when I see where I live, Kennedy's Korner, or just feel that ache of past experiences.  But it's still an interesting "stage" to say the least.  Does this seem possible?  Could I really be going back to that life?  But is it the life before my daughter?  The life without my husband?  

It has taken a lot of energy and time to get to this point in my grief.  It's a very weird place, though.  I can't seem to figure out where my "place" really is.  I am doing what I can to continue to honor and remember my daughter, but I don't feel the need to see a grief counselor or attend support groups.  I haven't needed to see any kind of counselor since the divorce.  I find that I don't need to blog as much or talk to others about what I am feeling or experiencing related to the death of Kennedy.  I feel connected most to those who have also experienced loss still, but the conversations don't have to entirely circulate around the children that we don't have.


So, this is an adjustment of sorts in my life.  An adjustment that I really didn't think would ever happen.  I am adjusting to my life as a babyloss mother.  A divorcee.  Etc.  But this adjustment feels ok...good even.  Like I have just been to the chiropractor to get an adjustment for the pain in my neck.  And I stepped out of the office into the sunlight and actually felt stronger and healthier than I have in forever.  But I had to make that adjustment.  I had to take steps and energy to be healthier.  To be ok.  I had to adjust my sails rather than let the grief overcome me.  And it did overcome me at times...and those were the times when I wanted it to just take me away.  Those were some very dark days.  But I kept fighting...fighting and adjusting to the storm that kept raining/hailing/snowing. 


Which leads me to where I am today.  I am at the point where the storm is clearing.  The sun is just on the horizon.  A rainbow might even be visible by some depending on how hard you look.   There is debris on the ground...a sign of what the storm left behind.  There is a lighter feeling in the air.  People are ready to step outside.  Experience the world again.  Experience it on solid, safer ground.  I am ready for that and am experiencing that.  I have stepped outside.    It is beautiful out here.  Yes, I see the debris.  I will always see the debris. But I see the sunshine and rainbow too. 

Another good-bye...

Today I said good-bye again.  But not in the way that many think of immediately in this baby loss world.  This time the good-bye was to a marriage.  My marriage to Kennedy's daddy.  Although in many ways I feel like today was more a formality than the actual ending since we haven't been together in over a year now; however, it closes out a journey...a chapter. 

Eleven years is a long chapter, so maybe it was a couple of chapters, but nevertheless, I was forced to turn the page.  We started this process around April of this year, and today, I was told that I was officially a "non-married" person.  Wow...non-married.  It sounds almost surreal, especially when I have spent the last five as a "married" person, and even before that, felt married for most of my relationship with Kennedy's father.  

High school sweethearts.  College sweethearts.  Engaged at a parade in front of our entire hometown.  Bucky Badger attended our wedding.  Grand marshals at the Magic Kingdom parade.  Parents to a much-wanted daughter. And yet, despite all the wonderful events and opportunities that life granted us, we didn't grow together.  Life happened and it changed us.  

I really never thought something like this would happen to me...but again, I didn't think that I would lose my only daughter two years ago either.  It's just hard to imagine where life is going to take me.  I do see happy times and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet today one is of those days where the sadness has completely made the world feel very dark again.  I even caught myself crying at work today in front of two of my co-workers.  This is not something that ever happens.  I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until I find a time to cry by myself or blog about it here.  But today kind of rocked me, despite the formality of it all.  Today gave me a sense of finality.  Closure.  Maybe the tears are of relief?  Yes, definitely of sadness, but maybe the tears came because I can finally come to terms with what happened.  So, I can start to finally concentrate on me and accept who I am and where life has taken me.  It's all still very much a mystery at this point, but I'm hoping that time will lead me to the answers.  

After leaving the courthouse and driving home, I knew I needed to stop and visit my baby girl.  Kennedy will always be a part of her father and me, and she is the one connection that will always bring us back together.  I can't tell you that if Kennedy had lived her father and I would be together today, but I do believe that we would have put her first.  So, today was my day to apologize to her for what happened.  See, I know Kennedy watches over both of us, so I also know that she has seen our sadness and pain.  I can't stand that.  I don't like anyone to ever feel sorry for me or to worry about me, much less my little girl.  That is not her job, nor is it fair to her to have to see her mother upset, angry and hurt.  She's just a baby.  If she was here on Earth those are all emotions that I would hide from her.  Now, she's up in Heaven away from me, and she sees everything.  That is so hard.  I wish so much that things could have been different between her father and I.  That we could have showed her how we could be happy and in love again.  But that was not "meant to be."  We tried.  And while we tried, we hurt even more. 

So much of my life was built around my marriage and all of our hopes and dreams for the future.  And we did have some of the same dreams, but now, I am forced to follow many of them on my own.  My one hope for both of us despite the distance is that we are able to stay in touch, remember the good times, be happy and always carry the love of our daughter deep in our hearts.  

July's letter to my daughter

Dearest sweet daughter of mine,

Kennedy, your mommy has kind of been neglecting this place for most of the month.  With good intention and good reasoning behind everything I am doing, but it still bothers me that I haven't spent time writing about the journey that this month has been and all that I have been doing for you and me.  You see, Kennedy, I really think July has kind of opened a new door for what this journey without you is going to bring me.  I see changes.  I see strength.  I see excitement.  I see ambition.  But most of all, I am finding purpose.  A purpose and a drive to continue to share you with others.  This drive has led me down the path of starting the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Event here in Madison.  I can hardly believe that this actually might happen, sweet girl.  But it really appears that it might.  There are so many more things to do and plan, but it's going to be beautiful, KK.  Really beautiful.  And I'm doing this all because of you.  You have led me to this place.  Again, I am eternally grateful for you.  You have brought me so much peace and happiness in times when I never thought I would feel it again.  Thank you.

The other thing that I must mention that has occurred in the last month is the fact that your Daddy and I will no longer be together.  Oh, sweet girl, this one brings me such sadness because of all that you brought to our lives.  I want you to always know that us not being together is not because of you.  However, Kennedy, you must know that your mommy hasn't been happy for quite awhile now, and it was time for your daddy and I to move our separate ways.  We will always have you in our hearts guiding the path that our lives will lead now.  We share a bond that many people don't.  We share the fact that you are and will always be our daughter.  Our first-born.  We will celebrate your life and your memory forever...and more than likely even together on those special days that we keep just for you.  We will stay friends forever.  This is important to both of us as 11 years is a long time to share your life with someone.

Dear, sweet girl.  I hope you are well up in Heaven.  Mommy hasn't visited your other place lately either.  I do hope you know that I think of you often and everything surrounding this event and my drive to see it accomplished is about you.  I have a secret to tell you, Kennedy.  We are holding this event exactly 1 week before your heaven date.  It's kind of exciting because it's going to be kind of an early birthday party for you.  P.S. It's going to be pretty big.  Shh...don't tell anyone though.  :) 

Well, baby, it's almost the end of July, so I must end this letter.  I hope that there is someway that I can get back into writing more again.  I know it's about not having time, but I used to force myself to make time.  It allowed me to get my emotions out, especially when I haven't been to see the grief counselor for awhile now either.  It's weird this whole grief journey.  I don't really like it because I have no control.  But I guess I don't really have a choice, unfortunately. 

Sending many kisses and hugs up to Heaven always....thank you for your guiding spirit and inspiration.

Love to you always,
Mommy