20 things that have made life bearable...Here's the first 10.

As a younger and much more naive woman/girl, I had made a list on my Facebook profile in the "About Me" section that listed "40 things that make me happy". Since losing my baby in October, that list has been taken down and replaced with a phrase in honor of my little girl. Many of those things on that list are trivial and useless to me now. They were simple things in a simpler time in my life. They held some value then...but probably would not be found on my new list of "20 things that have made life bearable." This list will consist of things that have helped me bear with my current state and current "normal." You may see some trivial things on this list...but they are things that have helped me find happiness. I hope that whomever reads this list may find some comfort in sharing some things that make his/her life bearable as we ride this awful journey together. Or just maybe he/she might find something that helps too. Enjoy...
(Just a quick note, this list is in a completely random order)

1. Net Flix Instant Queue: What a marvelous invention! Sorry Blockbuster...but the whole concept of going to a movie store to rent a movie totally sounds like a drag when you're having a hard day. I have truly enjoyed finding Charles in Charge, Food Inc., etc. that have found ways to make me laugh, cry, be distracted or think about better and simpler times.

2. Great Friends: More specifically friends that are part of elite crowds. For some odd reason, I tend to group my friends into "code" names. So, I really need to send a shout out to my friends in Sassy Chi Omega and the Fearsome Foursome. But please don't forget: KE, BB, EV, AK and KO. These friends have never asked questions or made suggestions of a "timeline" or how I should be handling my grief. Just supportive beyond belief.

3. Trip to Texas in December: Similar to #2-only this list includes my Uncle J, Aunt K, MK, MG, C, and KL. A truly unforgettable trip with people who love me whole-heartedly. Thank you for remembering me and my little girl.

4. Duke winning the national championship: As a dedicated college basketball fan, I generally love the month of March. Therefore, I always want "my teams" to win it all. I still believe that my angel in heaven had something to do with this. Many visits occurred where prayers were sent up to her somewhat jokingly- yet the team and my angel came through with flying colors.

5. Glee: Similar to Net Flix, only this television show makes me laugh, cry, sing and reminisce within each episode. I live for each episode to hear Sue's hilarious comments about Will's hair and to see what obstacle the Glee kids will come up against next. Oh, and did I mention that the songs they sing are fabulous?!! And I never thought Fox could top American Idol....

6. Counseling and Support Groups: I will be an advocate for them both for the rest of my life. I truly believe that everyone must do what's best for them; however, to be given an hour to two hours three to four times a month to talk about my KK and what I am going through without people judging or criticizing has really made me feel supported and strong. I feel less alone...and more aware of how many people are out there who I can talk and relate to. I feel that sharing stories and thoughts about my daughter is totally healthy. Unfortunately, we are part of a very "elite" club-it sucks-but we aren't alone, even on our hardest days. Also, I wanted to put my two cents in about anti-depressants. Get them if you need them-and use them. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel better and if science helps-so be it.

7. The authors Jen Lancaster and Karen Salmonsohn: Gotta love their sarcasm and outlook on life. They will both give you the "kick in the pants" you may need to get moving and be happy. (Quick note: There are a lot of other authors I have read regarding the loss of a baby...they have been wonderful reads too).

8. Online Shopping: Although I continue to have terrible luck getting the right size/fit/style...I continue to look and explore what's out there. Besides, it's just so easy!! Again, why would I leave the luxury of my comfortable room in order to step out on days that are difficult?! By the way, Etsy is my new favorite site!

9. Madison: The same place that gave me such grief during pregnancy and where I found out I had lost my baby is now a place of comfort and release. It's the place where I visit and talk to my little girl. It's the place where I laugh and smile the most. I'm thankful for Farmer's Markets, Badger Games, Concerts on the Square, the Parthenon, State Street, etc. It's the place where happy moments have occurred with people I love. My heart is always fuller and content when I am there.

10. 3-5 year olds: This item was on my original list...but for way different reasons this time. This past school year was the hardest one I have ever encountered in five years of teaching; however, "my kids" were a reason to keep going at my lowest points. I looked forward to days when I was out at preschool with them. They were an outlet in a world that didn't make sense to me. My job offered me a chance to fulfill the hopes and dreams of the families of the students I was working with. I couldn't do it for my own child, yet I could make a difference in the life of another child. These children made me smile and feel needed. I never felt lonely when I was working with them....I felt important....not the same importance that I played for my daughter, but it helped fill that gap a bit.


End of the 1st half of the list...didn't realize it was going to get so wordy. Sorry for that. Stay tuned for the 2nd half...

What is Normal?

I lifted this from Jane and Dana. I appreciated and related to it so much that I had to add it to my blog. Thank you, Jane and Dana.

What is "Normal"?
Author Unknown

* Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

* Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

* Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

* Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

* Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

* Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

* Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he/she is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he/she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

* Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

* Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

* Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his/her birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

* Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he/she would love it, but how he/she is not here to enjoy it.

* Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

* Normal is making sure that others remember him/her. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

* Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

* Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

* Normal is trying not to cry all day

* Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

* Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

* Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

* Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

* Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

* Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

* Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

* Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

* Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

* Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

* Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

* Normal is asking God why He took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

* Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

*And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".


Dearest Kennedy,

Mommy works so hard to be "normal" for everyone around her in order for them to be comfortable. I hope you always know that even if I don't mention you that you are never forgotten. Love you, baby girl.

Attention Baby Loss Mommas!

Please check out Avery's mommy's idea at the link above. Nicole wants us all to connect and feel supported. Great plan...

Rage and Resentment

A couple of days ago, I attended my once a month grief support group. It was a much larger group than I had ever been a part of...and it was nice to feel supported and connected to so many people, despite the circumstances. Listening to the stories of other babyloss mommies and even a daddy helped me to realize (again) how many there out there that are going through many of the same emotions I do on a daily basis. Each person shares a different story, but each person also shares a similarity that is unfortunate: the grieving of a baby that was lost never ends. I have come to the conclusion that there really is no time limit on grief and we all have to deal with it the way we feel is right for us. There is no right answer, despite what a family member, friend, co-worker, etc., may tell you. We are all different people....and we must handle ourselves with care and know that we are doing what's right for us.

Although, I believe in what I preach...I know that I have a hard time doing it sometimes. I fall into the awful trap of wanting to do right in the eyes of society (which may or may not include family, friends, etc.). People want me to be better....they want me to move on, so there is a real urgency in me to follow their requests. And, of course, I want to be better, but my "better" is different than theirs. My "better" is going a full day or week without feeling extreme sadness which may lead to me not feeling well at all. My "better" is being able to go to Target and walk by the baby aisles at a normal pace. My "better" is not feeling the twinge of guilt as one of my best friends is "oohed and ahhhed" upon as people see how big and beautiful she is getting carrying her little boy. My "better" is being able to attend my ten-year class reunion not wanting to run for the hills when everyone starts showing pictures of their babies. These are all things that I want to work on....but "better" for others is me being the old me. "Better" for others is almost to the point of forgetting that Kennedy was ever even a part of my life. This is where the resentment starts to creep in...

At support group, I talked a lot about the people in life who I feel haven't supported me the way I feel I should have been supported. These are people who play or who have played pretty major roles in my life. These are also people I once called family or even best friends. I do not understand how a family who celebrates just about every holiday/birthday/job/vacation, etc. can just "forget" how to remember a family member that lost her baby. Granted, I did ask for space....but what does it take to send an email/text/or voice mail indicating that they are at least thinking about me? What does it take to send a card that let's me know they care? This is the family portion of my resentment. So many people just didn't understand...so many people that I love and cherish rarely even acknowledge that I was ever even pregnant at all. It hurts more than I ever thought it could...

As to some of my friends....the resentment carries over to them too. Now, trust me...I do have some really awesome family and friends, but this is not that post, so I will make sure to mention them some other time. This is the post where I'm going to throw people under the bus. But my friends that have made little or no effort at all make me want to completely eliminate them from my life. Yes, I realize that everyone handles death differently, but this was my baby. My chance at a future...my dream....my desire. If you can't understand what I'm going through, then please at least do something similar to what I listed above....send an email/a voice mail/card, etc. Please just let me know that despite how long my grief is taking that you will still be around for me when I'm ready. And then when I am ready...please let me me talk about what has happened or happening in my life based on the loss of my baby. I know it may be uncomfortable for you, but this is my story, and you already know I like to talk, so you should expect that I would want to talk about the one thing I loved more than anything else in the world. Yes, including college basketball!

This is where my resentment lies 9 months later...I don't know what to do with it and I don't really know how to handle it. Again, it's taking one day at a time hoping that my anger goes away. There is a part of me that knows I will have to just let some of the anger go, but I also know that I may be letting go of friends/family too. Maybe not...but it's really not a pleasant thought either way.

Prayer for a Friend

This past week I found out that a friend of mine from support group delivered her baby girl at 25 weeks. The baby was a 1 lb and 3 oz. Baby and family have been spending a lot of time in the hospital. Baby girl needs to gain twice her weight in order to have heart surgery that will save her life. Otherwise, it is evident that medications and machines are keeping her heart going.

I constantly have my friend and her baby on my mind. It irks me to think that my friend who has already lost a baby has to go through this right now. How is this fair? Is this the plan that God had in mind for my friend? I just don't get it. I keep hearing the comment that "everything happens for a reason" or "God only gives us as much as we can handle." Well, why give us anything at all? Why is He making it so difficult for some of us? And others can have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies with no trouble? It doesn't seem right.... If anyone has answers to these questions, please comment. I'm looking for as many answers that can give me more hope than I currently have.

Please pray for my friend. I will continue to post updates as they are available.

Kennedy's Angel Baby picture

Thank you, Laura. I love Kennedy's picture.

9 months today...

Today, I'm posting because I've decided that I hate dates. Dates indicate time moving, days passing by, and a truth that it has been this many days , weeks or months that I have been without my baby. Today, I hit 9 months since I found out that Kennedy was gone. 9 months is that "magical" number that a mother is supposed to get to when pregnant. I hate 9 months.... it makes me realize that I never got to that "magical" number and am not sure if I ever will. Yes, I read many blogs and hear from many people that it could and will happen again for me, but there is no assurance. There is no guarantee. I am thrilled for the people that are carrying their "rainbow" babies, and I pray that they will all see 9 months and longer. But for me, 9 months just is a reminder that I will only hold my baby girl in Heaven someday. It does not bring me much peace today...but maybe someday it will.

Kennedy's Butterfly Wings

Thank you, Bree.

I love the Windy City...

These are some recent pics taken by my wonderful cousins and aunt from our trip to Chicago. We were so blessed to have beautiful weather, good company and lots of love. Thank you, Chicago.


Navy Pier

And the John Hancock Center...


The girls shopping in the city...At the hotel......and Millennium Park


Frank's and Frances' Deli in Lincoln Park....