Holding onto September for a little longer

The month has changed....and I have yet to share about the changing of the seasons and how it is affecting my journey through grief.

Typically, I love fall. I love the cooling of the weather. I love that I can go outside and enjoy the cool breeze on my face. I love the clothes that I can wear. I appreciate being able to wear a t-shirt and jeans and maybe a hooded sweatshirt and feel comfortable with myself and my body. (This is a little insight to my body image issues). I love football, especially being so close to the Badgers. Sundays bring warm memories to my heart of family get togethers and watching my favorite athlete of all time, Brett Favre. I love watching the leaves change and all the beautiful colors they bring to the world. I love visiting the apple orchards and pumpkin farms with my students during the week and loved ones during the weekends.

Fall represents many happy times in my life. Yet, this fall is different. This fall hits with a vengeance of all that I have lost. All that I was before October 22nd. I still love the cooling of the weather, but as I have written in previous posts, the clothes have hit me in remembering what I looked like with Kennedy. It also reminds me of all of my issues with my body and how I don't think it will ever be the same.

Football reminds me of the first Badger game I attended with Kennedy in my tummy. I can't bring myself to wear that Badger t-shirt again even though it would fit me today. I wanted so much to find clothes and t-shirts that would grow with me during my pregnancy. I wanted people to notice my "baby bump" and exclaim how cute I was. I never really got that chance. Football season also reminds me of all the Badgers things I bought for my little girl. There are outfits that still sit in boxes that were for her to fit into this fall. She was supposed to be my little Badger baby. Today would be the perfect day for her to be all decked out in her red and white for the beginning of the Big Ten season. She should match her momma.

I can no longer really do Packer/Viking football Sundays. The family get togethers don't happen as frequently, and I'm okay with that. My dad and I tend to watch the games together every once and awhile, but I can't bring myself to wear the clothes I wore then. I have the perfect Brett Favre-Viking t-shirt, but it was bought for a different time. It wasn't bought for who I am today. I have to admit, though, that I still watch football and even enjoy it. It just feels different now.

I think that the changing of the leaves has hit me the most....or maybe just seeing Halloween decorations. Although, the changing of the leaves is absolutely beautiful, it represents the leaves eventually dying and falling off of the trees. Fall is the season of things that die. It's beautiful, but so true. My fall is the season of when my daughter died. It's kind of fitting, I guess. Kennedy grew at a time when flowers and trees live and thrive. Then, she left this world along with the butterflies, birds, leaves, flowers, etc. My beautiful baby girl gave me all the beauty in the world for five and a half months, but then she had to say good-bye just like so many do in Wisconsin. Maybe she knew that she couldn't handle the cold....maybe she was a gift like so many other things and creatures in nature....a gift that couldn't last.

Have any of you ever really thought about the meaning of Halloween? It's the holiday of honoring the dead. Ironic that the National Day of Remembrance for Infant Loss falls in the same month. Not sure if that is the reason...but it's ironic. I've never been a huge fan of Halloween anyways, but I do love pumpkins and since Wicked, witches. But the skeletons...nope. Not a fan. It hits too close to home for me. I hope that someday I can enjoy Halloween a little bit more, but it may always be a hard holiday for me to deal with.

I want so much to embrace all this season has to offer me....I really do. I want to look forward to the trips to the pumpkin farm that I will go on with my students at the end of the month. I want to eat apple pie and drink cider without being reminded of the last time I had it. I want to make applesauce with my students and not have triggers of leaving school on the day I found out that we had lost Kennedy. I'm hoping for all of that.... I'm praying that I get through this next month remembering what a gift my little girl was and still is. It's just going to take a whole lot of strength, faith and support.