Today is Sunday, October 17th. On Sunday a year ago, I started spotting. That was the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with Kennedy. The spotting was a sign that things weren't going right for me or for my baby. But did I do anything about the spotting? No...I didn't because I had been told throughout my entire pregnancy that things were going okay. I had been told that my baby was growing and thriving. I was over 21 weeks along...nothing could go wrong anymore. I was finally gaining weight and feeling her move. We heard her heartbeat only a week before. Nothing could be wrong. So, on Sunday a year ago, I waited and watched. I waited to see if the spotting would go away. I waited to see or contact a doctor. I waited to tell anyone what was going on. And while I waited, my baby girl was dying or already gone. Why I waited the way I did....I will never truly know. It was a choice that I made at that point...a choice that still haunts me today. Would anything be different? I don't know... Probably not. But it still hurts.
So, that was Sunday. And the week went on...til Thursday. And this week will go on too...and I will wait. I will wait to feel the memories. I will wait to see how I handle it all. I will wait for people to remember.
Repeat: Subconcious Levels
8 hours ago
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9 comments:
I know it won't alleviate your anxiety... but you made the best choice you could have at the time. You are totally right - they tell you that everything will be fine, you don't have to worry, especially after you pass the first trimester. Even the baby books tell you that spotting is common, and everything will be fine... you did what any of us would have done in your circumstances.
It's so unfair that things did not turn out OK for you and Kennedy. I'm so, so sorry she is gone. It's just not right.
Be extra gentle on yourself this week. Please know I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of big hugs...
Dear friend you can not beat yourself up about a choice that most of us would have made the same. You did nothing wrong! I will be thinking of you this week and praying for you! I agree with the last comment, BE GENTLE with yourself! Many prayers and big hugs!
Oh, honey...I am so sorry. I have a lot of thoughts similar to yours, the haunting ones, and they suck! Please try to find comfort in knowing you had no idea what was going on. There was no way to know the outcome and of course you would have done anything to save Kennedy and you still would. Hind sight is always 20/20. You were a good mama to your baby and you still are. I am sending you lots of love and peaceful thoughts this week as Kennedy's birthday approaches. Hugs to you, Mama.
It's so easy to look back and question actions with the knowledge you have now. I think a lot of us have done the same.
for two weeks before kenny died i had increased discharge. all the books and websites said this was completely normal at this stage in pregnancy, so i didn't worry about it. i bought pantiliners. ken asked if i was sure the baby was ok, and i assured him he was. then after kenny died and i started reading about incompetent cervix, i came to understand that the discharge had been my mucus plug disintegrating. for two weeks it disintegrated in front of my eyes while i did nothing but buy pantiliners. i was very hard on myself b/c of this for a long time, but i know that had i called my dr's office about it, they would have assured me it was perfectly fine. they would not have examined me, and it would have happened anyway. it's so hard to know that all the things they say are normal can also be signs of something going wrong. don't be too hard on yourself. we all know that you did at the time what you thought was right. if you had known better, you most definitely would have acted on it.
I have a whole list of what ifs. But you're right would any of them have changed the outcome? Probably not.
Thinking and praying for you this week.
remembering with you...
It is so hard not to beat ourselves up for things. I started spotting and waited a day to go in. I was 17 weeks at the time and I told myself that everything was probably fine because I was in my second trimester and I didn't have any cramping. I feel bad now that I waited, but part of it was denial too, I guess.
I don't think going in sooner would have changed either of our outcomes and I know that Kennedy isn't upset with you for not going in sooner. She just loves you and wants you to forgive youself.
I am thinking of you and remembering Kennedy with you.
These are the hardest days.. the hardest times. We are thinking more clearly but really we are not. Nothing could have been done differently. You did everything right. I work on this each day. Even a year later my mind fogs with what if and when. Hang in there.. This will will go on and memories of love will win...
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