Time flies...

Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year.... What did I do this year that was memorable? Or that will stand out for me? Oh, yes..I remember. My baby died. I had to schedule her to be cremated. And then buried. And then choose a stone that symbolized who she was and what she will always be to me. I had to figure out how to endure life without her with me. I had to realize that I would never hold her in this living world and find a way to be "okay" with that. I had to realize who I was without her....and what my "new normal" was.

This is the year where I have had to make decisions and choices that will effect who I am for the rest of my life. Yet, there is so much about this year that I don't remember. There is so much that has happened that has very little meaning on who I am and where I am today. I can remember everything about the five months I carried Kennedy....from the first time I saw her on the ultrasound....the first time I heard her heartbeat....the first time I felt her move...the first things I bought for her....the things I wore....the things I did....the last time I heard her heartbeat....the day I found out that she was no longer living....the week that I carried her knowing she was already gone...the day she was taken from me....what I did the days after that....etc. The list goes on because the memories are so fresh and play such a pivotal role in what has happened to me this year.

But I have come to realize that there is little else that I remember about this year. There is little that I have actually "lived" to remember. I had this realization this past week when I ran into situations where I couldn't remember events, people or things from this past year. It led me to have a discussion about it with my grief counselor. She gave me a very clear perspective on how much grief truly takes over who you are...even without being consumed by it. She feels that I was the type of person pre-Kennedy who lived life to it's fullest....really experiencing everything I did. This is why I have such a good memory...because I work so hard on doing things and experiencing life for all it's worth. I want to remember things....I want to hold onto everything I have done that has shaped who I am today. This is the way I also lived my life when I was pregnant with Kennedy. Although, I wasn't really "ready" to be pregnant because I had no idea of how hard it would be, I learned to accept and embrace it for all it was worth. I took the bad times of sickness and hard times of pregnancy knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. I watched my belly grow with anticipation of the day my little girl would come into my life. I lived for her during those five months....and I lived for the future we would share together.

This all changed after October. I no longer lived for each day....I lived to get through each day. I lived for the hope that things would get better. I lived to honor my daughter by sharing her story with people I loved and those that I barely even knew. I still live my life for my little girl....it's just different than it was a year ago.

So, I have come to realize that despite the fact that there are things that I used to value and remember like who played and won the World Series, when certain movies came out, etc., that I have new values that will play a role in what I want to remember. I have been in a haze for a year....and in some ways...I am still in that haze.....and may be in it for a long time. I can't stress myself out trying to remember things that no longer have the same meaning to me. I have to treasure the memories that I do have and realize that I have those memories for a certain reason. I hate that I can't remember what has happened most of this year..... it bothers me. But there has to be a reason for it....and there is...it's called grief. My mind and heart have decided for me what's important and why. Maybe it's protecting me...maybe it's preserving the memories I do have. If it's for any of those reasons, then I'm grateful. Sure, the memories are painful...especially now. But I never want to forget.

I willingly surrender the last year starting in November 2009 to November 2010. I will remember the important things that I did to honor and remember my daughter. I will remember what I did to take care of myself. I will remember the people that reached out showing me their love and support. I will remember what's important....and those are the best memories to cherish anyways.