Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year.... What did I do this year that was memorable? Or that will stand out for me? Oh, yes..I remember. My baby died. I had to schedule her to be cremated. And then buried. And then choose a stone that symbolized who she was and what she will always be to me. I had to figure out how to endure life without her with me. I had to realize that I would never hold her in this living world and find a way to be "okay" with that. I had to realize who I was without her....and what my "new normal" was.
This is the year where I have had to make decisions and choices that will effect who I am for the rest of my life. Yet, there is so much about this year that I don't remember. There is so much that has happened that has very little meaning on who I am and where I am today. I can remember everything about the five months I carried Kennedy....from the first time I saw her on the ultrasound....the first time I heard her heartbeat....the first time I felt her move...the first things I bought for her....the things I wore....the things I did....the last time I heard her heartbeat....the day I found out that she was no longer living....the week that I carried her knowing she was already gone...the day she was taken from me....what I did the days after that....etc. The list goes on because the memories are so fresh and play such a pivotal role in what has happened to me this year.
But I have come to realize that there is little else that I remember about this year. There is little that I have actually "lived" to remember. I had this realization this past week when I ran into situations where I couldn't remember events, people or things from this past year. It led me to have a discussion about it with my grief counselor. She gave me a very clear perspective on how much grief truly takes over who you are...even without being consumed by it. She feels that I was the type of person pre-Kennedy who lived life to it's fullest....really experiencing everything I did. This is why I have such a good memory...because I work so hard on doing things and experiencing life for all it's worth. I want to remember things....I want to hold onto everything I have done that has shaped who I am today. This is the way I also lived my life when I was pregnant with Kennedy. Although, I wasn't really "ready" to be pregnant because I had no idea of how hard it would be, I learned to accept and embrace it for all it was worth. I took the bad times of sickness and hard times of pregnancy knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. I watched my belly grow with anticipation of the day my little girl would come into my life. I lived for her during those five months....and I lived for the future we would share together.
This all changed after October. I no longer lived for each day....
I lived to get through each day. I lived for the hope that things would get better. I lived to honor my daughter by sharing her story with people I loved and those that I barely even knew. I still live my life for my little girl....it's just different than it was a year ago.
So, I have come to realize that despite the fact that there are things that I used to value and remember like who played and won the World Series, when certain movies came out, etc., that I have new values that will play a role in what I want to remember. I have been in a haze for a year....and in some ways...I am still in that haze.....and may be in it for a long time. I can't stress myself out trying to remember things that no longer have the same meaning to me. I have to treasure the memories that I do have and realize that I have those memories for a certain reason. I hate that I can't remember what has happened most of this year..... it bothers me. But there has to be a reason for it....and there is...it's called grief. My mind and heart have decided for me what's important and why. Maybe it's protecting me...maybe it's preserving the memories I do have. If it's for any of those reasons, then I'm grateful. Sure, the memories are painful...especially now. But I never want to forget.
I willingly surrender the last year starting in November 2009 to November 2010. I will remember the important things that I did to honor and remember my daughter. I will remember what I did to take care of myself. I will remember the people that reached out showing me their love and support. I will remember what's important....and those are the best memories to cherish anyways.
As most of you know, I remember Kennedy by wearing and collecting things with butterflies. Each day, I make sure I have something butterfly on to symbolize the life of my little girl. She is always present in my heart...but by wearing butterflies, it makes her feel more present in a physical sense. Then, if people want to ask about the butterflies, I tell them about why I wear them which typically leads to a talk about my daughter. So, for Kennedy's giveaway, I felt it necessary to find something that had a butterfly with or on it. I came up with this specific figurine made by D. Antonia Truesdale at The Midnight Orange after Jessica from Too Beautiful For Earth sent me a touching card and postcard. It hit very close to home as it is very symbolic to the way I feel about my little girl. She is, and always will be, my beautiful butterfly. After writing an email to D. Antonia about Kennedy and her first angelversary, I knew that this was the perfect giveaway gift. The winner will have the opportunity to make choices on colors of wings, people, etc. So, please comment by the end of Friday, October 22nd (Kennedy's heaven date)...I look forward to giving this beautiful sculpture to someone who will appreciate it and hold it dear to their heart.
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