What do I even say?

So, either I am way more sensitive in the last couple of weeks or I am spending more time with people who never even knew that I was ever pregnant...but the comments keep coming. Apparently, according to society, I should be a "mom" by now. Because as I realized a couple of weeks ago, it would definitely help me understand how to put straws into a Capri Sun fruit drink.

Here is the situation:
I'm in a preschool working with one of my students. It's snack time. Nine three year olds are hungry and thirsty. One preschool teacher is still trying to help the students wash their hands. The other teacher is handing out snacks. I offer to help out with the drinks. And of course, they are Capri Suns. One of the most ridiculous juice boxes you can buy a kid when trying to make them be independent, especially three year olds. All of a sudden, memories flood me of having to ask for help from the "Sarge" lady in the lunch room at MY elementary school every lunch time because my mom insisted on sending me to school with those juice boxes. As I anxiously try to put these drinks together (somewhat struggling), the preschool teacher who is handing out snacks says, "Looks like Miss Alissa needs to have kids at home to have experience opening juice boxes..." All I could say is, "Yea, it does." ZING! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to hold back the tears as I put the rest of the juice boxes together. Wish I could have said, "Yea, wish that I was only a couple years away from giving my own daughter those juice boxes" or "I was close to having that almost a year ago." But no, instead I swallowed hard and chose to go on with my day.

Why does it feel like people can just assume it's easy to have kids? Or why do we hit a "magical" number when we should be having kids? I don't get it. And I truly don't get how people can be so naive to all the hurt that is out there that we experience as babyloss moms and dads. There is no way that that particular preschool teacher gave a second thought to why I might not have kids by now or even regretted what she said later. She assumed just as most people do. And we all know what assume means....(right?)

Here was the second kind of "zinger" of a comment that just happened earlier this week. Again, this one occurred at preschool too.
It's playtime....with the same group of kids that the juice box comment came from. The teachers are busy preparing for the next event while the kids are actively playing. I could make some teacher related comments at this point, but that's not what this post is about. So, anyways...Since I am the only teacher interacting with these three year olds as they are playing, they tend to request things of me or ask me questions while they are playing. While I'm busy working with my student, one of the little boys comes up to me and really wants to work on some puzzles; however, he has taken four other toys out in the last 10 minutes. I encourage him to clean a couple up that he is no longer using before we bring anything else out. This was a very simple request and took no "educational" knowledge to suggest this; however, the one preschool teacher who was in the room (not the one with the juice box comment) said to me, "Miss Alissa, I have already decided that you will be an excellent mom someday if you don't get burnt out before then." Again, ZING!!

So, here is the thing with this comment. It's super sweet...and very well intentioned; however, it hit me that I want to be known as a great mom already. I want people to realize all I did for my baby while she was here on Earth with me and what I do for her while she is in heaven. BUT, I couldn't and didn't say anything again. I just smiled and thanked her for saying that. I hate that these two people who I spend two days a week with don't know what's been going on in my life this past year, but I hate to open up old wounds for me. Sometimes it's easier to just move on and be okay with the people that do know. I'm guessing that there may be a time in the near future where it might come up, but it just wasn't the time then.

How do you determine a right time? And how do you figure out who is worth telling? These are still things I'm working through almost a full year later. I realize that I have secluded myself from so many people due to the hurt I have felt from others that I have a hard time talking about it at all to a lot of people. Have I hurt my daughter by doing this? Have I hurt her from being honored and remembered the way she should? I wish I knew these answers... I wish I had a how-to-guide that explained how to handle this for the rest of my life. Maybe, just maybe, it would make things easier....

Time flies...

Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year.... What did I do this year that was memorable? Or that will stand out for me? Oh, yes..I remember. My baby died. I had to schedule her to be cremated. And then buried. And then choose a stone that symbolized who she was and what she will always be to me. I had to figure out how to endure life without her with me. I had to realize that I would never hold her in this living world and find a way to be "okay" with that. I had to realize who I was without her....and what my "new normal" was.

This is the year where I have had to make decisions and choices that will effect who I am for the rest of my life. Yet, there is so much about this year that I don't remember. There is so much that has happened that has very little meaning on who I am and where I am today. I can remember everything about the five months I carried Kennedy....from the first time I saw her on the ultrasound....the first time I heard her heartbeat....the first time I felt her move...the first things I bought for her....the things I wore....the things I did....the last time I heard her heartbeat....the day I found out that she was no longer living....the week that I carried her knowing she was already gone...the day she was taken from me....what I did the days after that....etc. The list goes on because the memories are so fresh and play such a pivotal role in what has happened to me this year.

But I have come to realize that there is little else that I remember about this year. There is little that I have actually "lived" to remember. I had this realization this past week when I ran into situations where I couldn't remember events, people or things from this past year. It led me to have a discussion about it with my grief counselor. She gave me a very clear perspective on how much grief truly takes over who you are...even without being consumed by it. She feels that I was the type of person pre-Kennedy who lived life to it's fullest....really experiencing everything I did. This is why I have such a good memory...because I work so hard on doing things and experiencing life for all it's worth. I want to remember things....I want to hold onto everything I have done that has shaped who I am today. This is the way I also lived my life when I was pregnant with Kennedy. Although, I wasn't really "ready" to be pregnant because I had no idea of how hard it would be, I learned to accept and embrace it for all it was worth. I took the bad times of sickness and hard times of pregnancy knowing that it would all be worth it in the end. I watched my belly grow with anticipation of the day my little girl would come into my life. I lived for her during those five months....and I lived for the future we would share together.

This all changed after October. I no longer lived for each day....I lived to get through each day. I lived for the hope that things would get better. I lived to honor my daughter by sharing her story with people I loved and those that I barely even knew. I still live my life for my little girl....it's just different than it was a year ago.

So, I have come to realize that despite the fact that there are things that I used to value and remember like who played and won the World Series, when certain movies came out, etc., that I have new values that will play a role in what I want to remember. I have been in a haze for a year....and in some ways...I am still in that haze.....and may be in it for a long time. I can't stress myself out trying to remember things that no longer have the same meaning to me. I have to treasure the memories that I do have and realize that I have those memories for a certain reason. I hate that I can't remember what has happened most of this year..... it bothers me. But there has to be a reason for it....and there is...it's called grief. My mind and heart have decided for me what's important and why. Maybe it's protecting me...maybe it's preserving the memories I do have. If it's for any of those reasons, then I'm grateful. Sure, the memories are painful...especially now. But I never want to forget.

I willingly surrender the last year starting in November 2009 to November 2010. I will remember the important things that I did to honor and remember my daughter. I will remember what I did to take care of myself. I will remember the people that reached out showing me their love and support. I will remember what's important....and those are the best memories to cherish anyways.