I will remember....for always

Another day has passed this week....and I'm another day closer to Kennedy's heavenly birthday. But as I get closer to her "heaven date," I deal with the repercussions of everything I went through to get to that point. After a nice dinner and coffee with a fellow BLM, Mikayla's mom, I realize more and more how much I'm dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Due to the situation I went through losing Kennedy and the decisions that had to be made, I continue to have triggers which bring me right back to the moments that occurred last year. The triggers are so bad that I sit and panic with anticipation. I'm just on edge for the possibility that some trigger could potentially send me into a tailspin of emotions. This is true PTSD. For example, with the spotting that occurred last year at this time, I've almost willed myself to start spotting again. I just sit each and everyday waiting for AF to come. Not that I do or don't want it to come, but I realize how much it could affect me emotionally....but for the last two days, I have had "once and awhile" spotting.

And then there's the pain....the pain was so terrible last year. On Wednesday, I could barely even walk, yet I believed the pain to be due to ligament stretching, which I had been told several times by doctors. I just ached. But I really had no clue that anything awful was happening because I was in denial too. I had no clue that something really could be happening to my baby. I didn't believe that anything could anymore. I was too far along. I mean, I was going to find out what my baby was in a few days. Anyways, I'm not actually feeling the pain this year, but due to the stress of remembering, I have basically forced an illness upon myself. Yes, that's right. I'm sick. More than likely, it's just a virus. But I'm a true believer in mind over body, and this point, I know that my mind has won. My mind has won because it has given in to the emotional pain that I'm dealing with. My mind has said, "I'm done." "You need to be done too." My mind needs to rest...

Yet, as I get closer to Friday...I know my mind won't rest easy. Each night has become more difficult to get good sleep, and the memories are becoming more vivid as the days get closer. I'm being careful with myself, but there's only so much you can do. I would love to just hide...but I don't want to do that either. I really want to embrace what Kennedy meant to me and celebrate the short time I had with her. I'm hoping that Friday will give me some of that peace, but until then....I have to keep on breathing and looking forward. Thank you to all of you for your sweet thoughts and comments. They keep me going...and I know I couldn't get through any of this without all of you. Hugs to you...and keep the prayers coming.

Sending hugs and kisses up to you, my little chickadee. Can hardly believe where the time has gone since it feels like it was just yesterday. Miss and love you, Kennedy Kate. Mommy is hoping for blue skies on Friday for your special day. We'll make it a good one, sweet girl, just like you deserve. Mommy will always remember, Kennedy, for always.