July's letter to my daughter

Dearest sweet daughter of mine,

Kennedy, your mommy has kind of been neglecting this place for most of the month.  With good intention and good reasoning behind everything I am doing, but it still bothers me that I haven't spent time writing about the journey that this month has been and all that I have been doing for you and me.  You see, Kennedy, I really think July has kind of opened a new door for what this journey without you is going to bring me.  I see changes.  I see strength.  I see excitement.  I see ambition.  But most of all, I am finding purpose.  A purpose and a drive to continue to share you with others.  This drive has led me down the path of starting the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Event here in Madison.  I can hardly believe that this actually might happen, sweet girl.  But it really appears that it might.  There are so many more things to do and plan, but it's going to be beautiful, KK.  Really beautiful.  And I'm doing this all because of you.  You have led me to this place.  Again, I am eternally grateful for you.  You have brought me so much peace and happiness in times when I never thought I would feel it again.  Thank you.

The other thing that I must mention that has occurred in the last month is the fact that your Daddy and I will no longer be together.  Oh, sweet girl, this one brings me such sadness because of all that you brought to our lives.  I want you to always know that us not being together is not because of you.  However, Kennedy, you must know that your mommy hasn't been happy for quite awhile now, and it was time for your daddy and I to move our separate ways.  We will always have you in our hearts guiding the path that our lives will lead now.  We share a bond that many people don't.  We share the fact that you are and will always be our daughter.  Our first-born.  We will celebrate your life and your memory forever...and more than likely even together on those special days that we keep just for you.  We will stay friends forever.  This is important to both of us as 11 years is a long time to share your life with someone.

Dear, sweet girl.  I hope you are well up in Heaven.  Mommy hasn't visited your other place lately either.  I do hope you know that I think of you often and everything surrounding this event and my drive to see it accomplished is about you.  I have a secret to tell you, Kennedy.  We are holding this event exactly 1 week before your heaven date.  It's kind of exciting because it's going to be kind of an early birthday party for you.  P.S. It's going to be pretty big.  Shh...don't tell anyone though.  :) 

Well, baby, it's almost the end of July, so I must end this letter.  I hope that there is someway that I can get back into writing more again.  I know it's about not having time, but I used to force myself to make time.  It allowed me to get my emotions out, especially when I haven't been to see the grief counselor for awhile now either.  It's weird this whole grief journey.  I don't really like it because I have no control.  But I guess I don't really have a choice, unfortunately. 

Sending many kisses and hugs up to Heaven always....thank you for your guiding spirit and inspiration.

Love to you always,
Mommy