It has been so long since I have written on here that I hardly know what to write anymore. Yet, this is the place I have come to remember her. To share her. I may post something on Facebook, but this feels more secure. Private. Privileged. I have shared Kennedy's story with so many, yet this is very much the place and world where I felt the most secure in doing so. She was readily accepted as was I. Here is where I continue to feel that her presence will be remembered. Facebook is a place where people in my life who continue to wonder why I have not "moved on" will question why I would post a birthday remembrance for my dead baby still after all this time. The scrutiny is enough for me to want to hide. I just don't know....
I continue to feel some acceptance and love these days following the event that was planned for all babies gone too soon. The idea came from my sweet little girl. Without her, I would not have ever thought to plan such an event for the Madison area. She is the reason for the celebration of life. The gift of a child no matter how small was embraced and remembered. Kennedy's life provided others the opportunity to talk and share about their babies. What a gift she truly was and is. She not only changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined, but she also has changed the lives of others. The impact this little girl will have in the future is endless.
As I sit and write, I think about what it would be like for me to be planning a 2nd birthday for a little girl. Would it have been a family party? Or would there be little friends for her too? What would she wear? What theme would the party be? Would she smile and giggle with everyone around her or would she be shy with all the attention? Would she jump right in to eat birthday cake or would her dainty little fingers never touch it at all? Would my little girl want baby dolls or trucks and cars? What music would we dance to? How many fingers would she hold up? How many changes of clothes would there be? Those are my questions. My dreams. My fantasies. It doesn't matter how any of those questions would have been answered....the important thing would be that they would be answered. Because it would mean that she was here. Alive. With me. Instead, I can only hope that this party is just as I imagined it to be...only in a different place. A far better place than here, but without me. I hope she is giggling in a frilly pink dress with pink ribbons in her hair with family and friends all around her. I would hope she would at least try the birthday cake with pink frosting and try to blow out her candles with the help of others. Knowing my little girl, she would want a baby doll as a gift and would dance to any music that was playing. My little girl would be happy and loved. My little girl is happy and loved.
So, Miss Kennedy Kate, I wish you the happiest birthday/heaven date of them all. May this year in Heaven bring new surprises...new joys...and love to you always. Your mommy wishes she was there with you to celebrate or even for you to be here, but there will be many birthdays to celebrate someday when we meet again. You are my dream come true, Kennedy Kate. I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I love you...but it's true, a mother's love is so different than any other kind of love. You are my world. My prized possession. My gift. Being away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I need you to continue to be happy, baby girl, and to always know how much you are loved and remembered. You are my firstborn, KK...and you forever will hold a special place in my heart. Give your Gr8ams a big hug and kiss from me.
Love you to the moon and back, baby of mine.
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